NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a certified financial statement, job history, and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information, such as psychological profile and polygraph test if requested.

Name___________________________ Date of Birth___________ Social Security No. ____________
Driver's License No. ___________________ Issuing State_____ IQ ________________ GPA ______
Home Address and Telephone No. ________________________________________________________
Do you have one male and female parent? If not, explain: ___________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
Do you own a van?___________ A truck with oversize tires? __________ A waterbed? ____________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a pierced belly button ? _________A tattoo? _______________
(If you have answered YES to any of the five questions, discontinue application and leave at ONCE!)
In fifty words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? ______________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
In fifty words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?_____________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
In fifty words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
What is your church affiliation? _________________ How often do you attend? _________________
What is the best time to interview your Parents? ___________________________________________
What is the best time to interview your Preacher?__________________________________________
What is the best time to interview your Employer? _________________________________________
Have you ever been finger printed? ____________ Reason: __________________________________
Have you ever had a DNA sample taken and recorded? _________ If yes, when? ________________ What was the reason for the DNA sample being taken? ______________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Answer the following questions under oath:

The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
My greatest fear is: ____________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice is: ______________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
(NOTE: If your answer begins with a T or A, discontinue and LEAVE AT ONCE, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion, for your own safety.)

CERTIFICATE OF ACCURACY BY APPLICANT:
I swear all the information above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of death, dismemberment, or Chinese Water Torture.

I worked for a while in domestic electronics for a Hitachi dealer. We got a delivery of cruddy Hitachi(I think) electric organs. We goofed around with them for a bit then got bored with them, as we had to screw 4 wooden legs into the base of each organ.

One day we get a panicky phonecall from a Hitachi sales guy who screams down the phone "for God's sake don't send any organs out - theres a misprint in the manual."

We looked all through the manual and found this:

"When installing, take hold of legs, and fuck them into the hole in the under cabinet"

Interesting Japanese variant on the word 'screw'? eh?
http://www.ampage.org

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor honor their request. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astonished at the woman's new beauty! She looked more beautiful than she ever had before. All of her friends and relatives went on and on about her new beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his scarifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

---Ronald Reagan

He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."

The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you."

Dig a deep hole and fill it with pea's.

When the bear goes to take a pea.....kick him in the hole.

An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling
out the application form. He came to this question: "Do you
favor the overthrow of the United States government by force,
subversion, or violence?" Thinking it was a multiple-choice
question, he checked "violence."

------------------------------

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper.
The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White
Cloud.

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the
Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What
about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no
name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.
"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces
to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit
off an Indian."

After having their 11th child, a redneck Tennessee couple deceided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/vetinerian and told him that his wife/cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Tennessee), light it up, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to ten. The fellow said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." Trust me", said the doctor.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife,
"What did the Dr. say to you?"

I thought you also previously had a job working in a bakery as a pilot. (You'd take the bread from one corner and pilot 'n the other). If I remember correctly, you quit that job because you got sick of the dough and thought you'd go on the loaf.

Evans