He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention.  It's a folding bottle."

"Ok," says the clerk.  "What do you call it?"

"A fottle."

"A fottle?  That's a stupid name.  Can you think of something else?"

"I can think about it.  I've got something else though.  It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton." "That's rude.  You can't possibly call it that."

On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their goons after the deaf collector.

The goons find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia goons says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the goons, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The goon pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where da money is!"

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."

He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains jus tbecame too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.

Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride.

Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.

Not to be outdone,the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.

A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

e offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one.

The mime accepts. So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help! Help me!"

The lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion. in his pants.

The lion says, "Shut up you idiot or we'll both lose our jobs!"

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning,"t he neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

The farmer was a kind man, and he was willing to lend him his only horse.

He said,"This is the only horse I have, but he is very weird.When you say,"Praise the Lord! he will start moving, and if you say Amen, he will stop."

The man thought it was fair enough, and thanked the farmer.

He was on his way, but when the sky was getting dark, he was lost. He was praying to God, hoping that he would be safe.

Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat." Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh....Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went his own way.

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan.

They were touring around the marke place looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming,

They finally came to an old hut and knocked on the door.

An old lady answered the door asked them to come in and sit down.  "Now stay here and i'm going go cook dinner, whatever you do, dont look in the closet," the old woman said.  

After awhile, the boys got curious and decided to look in the closet. As they opened the door, a pile of dicks came out.  

The old lady came in and saw what they had done.  She yelled "now you'll have to pay the consiqueces."  

To the first boy she said, "now what does your father do for a living?"  " my father is a bucher" he answered.  so she chopped off his dick.  

She asked the second boy the same question and he replied "my father is a hunter." then  she shot off his dick.  

When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing."

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him at says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?" :0

The Smiths, a young married couple have no children and the government man is due to arrive. Mr. Smith on leaving, says "I'm off, the Government man should be here soon". Instead, however a door-to-door photographer who specialises in baby pictures rings the bell.

The conversation went as follows:

Ms. Smith: Good morning.

Salesman: Good morning, you don't know me but I've come to...

Ms. Smith: Oh, you don't have to explain. My husband told me you were coming.

Salesman: Oh? Well good. I've made a specialty of babies,
especially twins.

Ms. Smith: That's what my husband said. Please sit down.

Salesman: Then your husband probably told you that...

Ms. Smith: Oh yes, we both agreed this is the best thing to do.

Salesman: Well, in that case perhaps we should get right on with
it.

Ms. Smith: (blushing) Well, just where do we start?

Salesman: Just leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple in the bed. Sometimes the living room floor works well.

Ms. Smith: Bathroom!!! Living room floor!!! No wonder it hasn't worked for us.

Salesman: Well lady, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try six or seven times one of 'em is bound to be a honey.

Ms. Smith: Pardon me, but isn't this a bit informal?

Salesman: No indeed, in my line a man can't do his work in a
hurry.

Ms. Smith: Well have you had much success with this?

Salesman: (opening case and showing baby pictures) Just look at these babies! They're all jobs I've handled. This one took four hours.

Ms. Smith: Yes, this is a lovely child.

Salesman: But if you want to hear about a really tough assignment, look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London.

Ms. Smith: OH MY GOD!!!

Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider that their mother was hard to work with.

Ms. Smith: Oh, she was?

Salesman: Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were all around four and five deep pushing to get a good look.

Ms. Smith: Four and five deep!!!

Salesman: Yes, and for more than three hours too. But I finally got a couple of buddies to keep them back. I could've shot again before dark, but by that time the squirrels were beginning to nibble on my equipment and I had to give up.

Ms. Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your ahhh - equipment?

Salesman: Yes, but it's all in a days work. I've spent three long years perfecting my technique. Take this baby. I shot this one in the front window of a big department store.

Ms. Smith: I can't believe it!

Salesman: Well, madam, if your ready, I'll get my tripod.

Ms. Smith: TRIPOD???!!!

Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy to hold in my hand.

To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guesses:"1228" "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St.Peter turns to the film technician: "Name them."

She said "well , he was a big muscular and handsome Marine".

"Well , what did he want to do?" They all asked.

She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".

So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".

"Finally I said, well how much do you have"?

The sailor said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand".

He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first andthen the first hand above the second hand"

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge,then what did youdo?"

"WOW! This is GREAT!" he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits - all free and nibbling at the lush green grass.

"Hello!" he called out. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory over there and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they all cried out.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted SO good.

"What else do you do wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said, "You see that field over there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This he couldn't resist. He spent the next hour gorging on the most succulent carrots he had ever tasted.

"They are wonderful!" he told his new friends.

Much later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there in the distance? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned some hours later, completely full of lettuce.

"Is there anything else you do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came close to him and whispered, "There is one other thing you must try." Pointing to a bunch of rabbits in the far corner of the field, he said, "They're girl rabbits. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the afternoon screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back to his male friends.

"That was FANTASTIC!!!" he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry. I had a great time, believe me. But I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him in amazement. "Why? We thought you liked it out here."