posted 04-03-2004 03:45 PM                       

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When I was a student at the Freie Universität Berlin (Germany) in 1983, I faithfully attended the weekly lecture on Gerichtsmedizin (forensic medicine) that was based on the grim harvest of the West Berlin police department. Apart from the gruesome, the horrifying (child abuse!) and the plain morbid, there were a few candidates who'd undoubtedly qualify for a Darwin Award.

One that sticks out in my mind was the lamentable case of a middle-aged West Berliner whose autoerotic proclivities and aspirations as an amateur electrician provided a spark of levity for the permanently nauseous audience.

This gentleman had -- presumably by a process of trial and error that I leave others to speculate about -- arrived at the conclusion that ramming a "candle"-shaped lightbulb up his rectum was a pretty darn pleasant experience, especially when practised in combination with a small leather harness attached to his procreative equipment.

Unfortunately, he must have felt uncomfortable by the initial chill emanating from the cold glass of the lightbulb. But necessity is the mother of invention: He detached socket, switch, and power cord from an ordinary table lamp and adapted them to his specific purpose, put the harness on his little friend, and proceded to amuse himself with the now instantly heatable lightbulb in his rear end.

Tragically, his skills as an electrician were vastly inferior to his inventiveness. While happily playing with his new toy, his shoddy workmanship sent 240V through his body, electrocuting him in flagranti.

A slide of his contraption... pluss harness... and his inspirational story were part of the standard lecture on Gerichtsmedizin (forensic medicine) at the Freie Universität Berlin back in the summer semester of 1983... and presumably longer.

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