posted 07-23-2006 09:08 PM                    

Where do I hang this?

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July 21, 2006

Painter Tim Patch shows plenty of raw talent. Emily Dunn reports.

Former Brisbane builder Tim Patch was finding it difficult to crack the art market until he dipped his quill in the ink, so to speak.

Under the artistic pseudonym "Pricasso", Patch uses his penis to paint portraits, landscapes and female nudes.

"I dip it in the paint and then apply it to the canvas," says the 56-year-old who grew up in England. "I began doing it at a party around Christmas time. Now I videotape all my work, because sometimes people don't believe me."

When the canvas became too rough on his "brush", he switched to paper, but has switched to a "smoothed-back canvas ... for a better effect".

He has painted portraits of John Howard and Kim Beazley and plans to unveil a portrait of Lord Mayor Clover Moore at this weekend's Sexpo.

Patch will also paint your portrait at the adult-entertainment event for $50-$100, depending on time taken.

This year's Sexpo also includes the world's first sex train. "The gerbil" contains automated mannequins simulating sexual acts and a re-enactment of Lorena Bobbitt cutting off part of John Bobbitt's penis.

"It is like a ghost train for adults," says Sexpo organiser John Ross.

The four-day exhibition of sex products and performers started in Melbourne in 1996 and was first staged in Sydney in 1997 at the now-defunct Gazebo Hotel in Kings Cross.

Ross estimates about 10,000 turned up to the first show. This year he is expecting 55,000.

"The first shows were testers to see if anyone would turn up to something called Sexpo," Ross says.

The 2006 line-up includes some of the original exhibitors such as the mail order pornography company Adult Media Group and Body Bits, a stall allowing visitors to mould body parts - but Ross doubts any original strippers will reprise their acts.

"It's not a career for longevity."

SEXPO

Thursday to July 30, 11am-9pm, Hordern Pavilion, Moore Park, 132 849, $25/$21.

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posted 07-23-2006 09:10 PM                    

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

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