The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if your going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless your not getting any.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive if others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if your alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you critize someone, you should walk a mike in their shoes. That way, when you critize them, your a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eyes and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

To his son, who had been waiting, O'Malley said,"Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things are don't go so well. In this case things aren't so good. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tellthem that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences and they had a few more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you had cancer? You just told your friends you had AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

illness.

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

When the waiter came to take our order, I noticed that he too had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and noticed that all the staff had a spoon in their pockets.

When the waiter returned to serve the soup, I asked, "Why, the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurants owners had hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, to revamp all of our processes. They concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 per cent more than any other utensil. This represents a drop in effeciency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 hours per shift.

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with the spoon in his pocket. "I'll get another spoon, when I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip right now." he said.

I was rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around I then noticed that all of the waiters had a string hanging out of their flies. My curiosity got the better of me, and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: " Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh certainly," he said, "not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"By tying this to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it. and that way we eliminate the need to wash our hands. shortening the time we spend in the restroom bt 76.39 percent."

"Ok, that makes sense, but..if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he wispered, lowering his voice even lower, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Some days you are the bug, some days your are the windshield.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side and it holds the universe together.

There are two thories to argueing with a woman. Neither one works.

Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

If you drink, don't drive, accidents cause people.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

ANGELS

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field. The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen? The first man had
everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die. "Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied..

"When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it." "Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later...

Some People come into our lives and quickly go.. Some people become friends and stay awhile... leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts...and we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend!!

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present! I think this is special.....live and savor every moment..... this is not a dress rehearsal!.........

She went over to the machine, put a quarter in, and out came a fortune card that read, Your a nun who weighs 128lbs and your going to Chicago, Illinois"

She sat down and thought about it. She reasoned that it probably tells everybody the same thing, but deceided to try it again. She went back to the machine, put her quarter in, and out came the card that read, "You are a nun, you are going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle" The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life."

She sat back down, when out of nowhere a cowboy sat next to her and put his fiddle case on the seat next to the nun. The nun picked up the fiddle and played the most beautiful music, as if she had been playing for years. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said,"This is incredible, I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine she went. She put her quarter in and out came a card that read, "Your a nun, you are going to Chicago, Illinois, and your going to break wind." Now the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my life." She turned around and tripped, falling off the scale, breaking wind."

Stunned, she sat back down, looking at the machine. She said to herself...."This is truly unbelievable! I have got to try it again."

The presidents eye opened wide and he said, "That is a kindly notion, sir, we will be pleased to accept it."
"There's a condition. I would have to have an honorary degree."

"No problem" said the president, "that can be arranged."

"For my horse" said the Texan.
Now the president got to his feet in shock. "For your, HORSE?"

Yes, my mare, Betsy. She's carried me for many years. I would like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."

"We can't give an honorary degree, to a horse."

'I am sorry to hear you say so, because in that case I can't give you a million dollars."

"Well, wait a minute" said the president, sweating profusely. "Let me consult the Board of Trustees."

The board was convened in a hurry and listened to the story in various grades of shock and disbelief, all except the oldest trustee, whose eyes were closed and he seemed asleep. One trustee expressed the general opinion. "We can't give a horse an honorery degree, no matter how much money is involved." At this point, the oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "For God's sakes, take the money and give the horse his degree."

"Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?" said the president.

"Of course not," said the oldest trustee, "It would be an honor, it would be the first time we ever gave a degree to the Whole horse."

The reverend thought this was awful and not something a member of his flock should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly, "this is no place for a member of my congregation. Why, don't you let me take you home." "Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, Here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?

A: Your heart is good for only so many beats & that's it. Every thing wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies, What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain, eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). A pork chop can give you a full 100% of your daily allowance of slop.

Q: Is Beer or wine bad for?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide in the world into three categories: animal, mineral and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal and they are not on the periodic table of elements. So that leaves only one thing, right? My advice: Have a hamburger and a beer, enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body fat ratio?

A: Well, you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, so forth and so on.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him, while he did the bench press. What did he mean?

A. "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find it has become the ONLY reason why your going in, you probably ought to reevaluate you exercise program.

Q: What are some of the values of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one. My philosophy is No pain - No pain.

Q: Will sit ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit ups if you want a bigger stomach. Remember when someone asks me if I'm in shape, I always answer, yes. Round is a shape.

 |  IP: Logged

"Excuse me, what did you say?"

"I said lawyers are assholes."

"I'm sorry but that really, bothers me! I'm really offended."

"Why, are you a lawyer?"

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years."

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for french-fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."

14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.