On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished with her beauty.

"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now." The man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks, "Why?"

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and asked, "Johnny what's the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then
drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember
to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beerand I really have to go," and mean it every single time I sayit, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes andmy buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find iincreasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

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A young couple once rented a cabin near a lake for a vacation. He liked to fish, and her favorite pastime was reading. One morning, the husband rose early and took the boat out on the lake. He returned around noon, and went to the cabin for a nap.
The wife looked at the little boat and thought it might be nice to read her book on the water. Though she knew nothing about boats, she managed to row into a nice, calm area of the lake and settled down to read.

After a short time the Game Warden motored up in his boat and asked her what she was doing. Although she thought it was obvious, she responded, "I'm reading a book."

"You're in a restricted fishing area, I'll need to take you in and write you up for this", he said.

Astounded, she argued, "But I'm not fishing. You saw me here, reading my book!"

"But you have all the necessary equipment," he said, pointing out the poles, nets, and bait her husband had left in the boat, "so I'm going to cite you for fishing in a restricted area."

"Then I will press charges on you for rape", she said.

"Rape!? I haven't touched you!"

Two farmers were leaning over a fence discussing Christmas, when the first farmer says that he has bought his wife a fur coat and a Mercedes Benz for Christmas.

The second farmer asks why he bought her a Mercedes and a fur coat.

The first farmer replies that if she doesn't like the coat she can drive in the Mercedes to take it back.

The second farmer nods his head as if understanding the reasoning behind the answer.

The first farmer asks the second what he got his wife for Christmas.

He replies that he bought his wife a pair of slippers and a vibrator.

The first farmer asks why he bought these combination of presents.

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

There are these three men, an Irish man, an Austrailian man, and an American man, that all go hiking.

After a couple of hours they find a great camp site. They rest for three hours because of the long trip and when they wake up they want to go exploring.

They start walking and then they notice this slide along the mountain.

They also see a sign that says,"Here lies the magical slide. All who slide down shall make one wish while going down the slide. What you wish for shall be what the pool
below is made of."

They start thinking to themselves how much fun this would be. The Irish man goes down first. On his way down he yells out," Guiness!" and the pool is filled with the finest guiness in all of Ireland.

There were 100 nuns in a nunnery and a head nun. one day the head nun said I've done a room check and 99 rooms were perfect except 1. in that 1 room I found a pair of boxer shorts. 99 nuns went agrhhh and 1 nun went hehehe.

After mass, the priest asked Jack and Jill to come to his office so that he could ask them a few questions.

He began, "what is the name of the Lord, our heavenly Father?"

Jack stuck a pencil up Jill's ass and she screamed, "GOD!"
"Very good," said the priest, " second question. What is the name of God's son, our savior?"

Jack stuck the pencil up Jill's ass again and in pain she screamed, "JEEEEEEEESUS CHRIIIIST!"

The priest smiled and said, "Wonderful! Now, I have just one more question.

What did Eve say to Adam right after they had their 22 child?"

Jack was about to stick the pencil up Jill's ass but she said, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

A rooster and a cat are walking over water on a bridge.

The cat slips and falls down into the water.

The rooster starts laughing hysterically.

"A Women's Little Instruction Book"

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.

2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.

7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.

11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?"

He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh No!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said,