This guy died with an erection. It was to big for the mortician to put him in a coffin, so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up his ass.

The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her dead husband's eye.

Old Folk.... (or people my age... )

An elderly couple decides to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon.

They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort.

After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast, they begin eating in the nude.

The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!"

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?" he asked.

"Yes, I am."

The baby said "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, I am," she said.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born" he said.

He then looked at his father and asked "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered.

Important people in women's lives

There are nine very important men in a woman's life. They are:

Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."

Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."

Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"

Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"

Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."

Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."

Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

Der Machinen Nicht Kaputen, Grabben Mit Der Fingerpoken!

Important people in women's lives

There are nine very important men in a woman's life. They are:

Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."

Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."

Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"

Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"

Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."

Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."

Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

There were these 2 southern belles drinking tea together. This was their conversation:

Belle1:When my husband proposed to me, he bought me a huge diamond ring!(she shoves the ring and dangles her fingers in front of belle2's face)

Belle2: That's nice.

1: For my wedding present, my husband bought me a $3 million dollar mansion!

2: That's nice.

1: For our 5th anniversary, my husband bought me a private jumbo jet with a pilot, my own personal pilot.

2: That's nice.

1: Well, what has your husband bought for you?

2: Oh! Well he sent me off to Finishing School.

1: Why'd he do that?

A man walks in to the U.S. Patent Office with a sack of apples. "I'd like to patent these apples," he says to the patent clerk.

The clerk tells him, "You can't patent apples, silly!"

The man says, "But these are special apples. There are none like these in the world!"

Curious, the clerk asks him if he can taste one of the apples. He reaches into his sack, pulls one out and gives it to the clerk, who promptly takes a bite. "Wow! This tastes just like a grapefruit!"

The man smiles and says to the clerk, "turn it over."

The clerk takes a bite out of the other side of the apple and exclaims "Man! That tastes just like an orange! What else do you have in there?"

The man gives him another one and the clerk bites into it. "How do you do this? This one tastes just like a pear!" Says the clerk.

"Turn it over", says the man again.

"Holy Cow, this side tastes like watermelon!"

Then the clerk leans in close to the man and whispers, "Hey buddy, do you have any apples in there that taste like pussy?"

The man reaches into his sack again, pulls out another apple, and hands it to the clerk. After taking a bite, the clerk starts spitting the apple back out as fast as he can.

"Hey jerk," yells the clerk, "This tastes just like shit!"

 |  IP: Logged

This was actually an essay written by a college applicant applying to colleges/universities. The author of this essay, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU

ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU
HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing.

I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am anexpert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won
the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.

Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact
location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had
seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.

Can you believe this???

A little Girl and her Mom are riding in the car to the supermarket.

The little Girl asks her Mom: "Mom how much do you weigh?" None of your business" she replys.

So the girl asks Mom how tall are you? "None of your business", finally she asks mom why did dad and you get a divorce?

The mother again replys, "None of your BUSINESS."

Halfway there, the girl goes into her moms purse looking for a mint but finds her moms drivers license. She says

An orange, a banana, and a penis are talking about how much their life sucks.

So the orange says, "Damn, you know, my life sucks. First, people peel off my skin, then put me inside a blender and juice me, then they drink me up!"

The banana says, "C'mon that's nothing. First they peel off my skin, chop me up, and throw me into Corn Flakes, and eat me!"

Farmer Jones' rooster died, and he went into town to buy a newone.

When he got to the seed and feed store, he was told that they had sold out of roosters, and that he would have to wait for the next shipment.

Farmer Jones told the salesman that he had a long way to travel, and that he needed a rooster bad, did he know where one could be had at this time?

The salesman told him that actually, there was one rooster left in the back of the store that they had sold 10 times already, but that people had been bringing him back, and that the store was going to get rid of him in the morning.

Farmer Jones asked what the problem was, and the salesman told him that the rooster was a bit over sexed.

Farmer Jones thought about it for a minute, and decided that there were enough hens around his farm to keep a rooster plenty busy, so asked what the rooster would cost.

The salesman said that he could have him, that the rooster had caused so much trouble, that they were glad to be rid of him.

That night, Farmer Jones got home about bedtime, and let the new rooster out in the farmyard, and went to bed.

There arose a din of noise such as Farmer Jones had never heard before, and he almost went out to see what was the problem, when he remembered what the salesman had told him about the rooster being oversexed, and he decided that the rooster would play himself out by morning...

The next morning, Farmer Jones awoke to total silence.

He looked over at his wife, and saw her laying there sprawled out on the bed with her skirt hiked up, a blissful smile on her face.

He next went to the window and looked out over the farmyard, and saw all the animals layed out on their backs, smiling blissfully.

Concerned, Farmer Jones went out into the yard, and looked around. As far as the eye could see, there were farm animals sprawled out with this big smile on their faces, and he noticed that the bodies led off into the distance toward a hill.

On top of this hill, he could make out the rooster, flat on his back with buzzards circling over head.

The farmer made his way through the bodies, up to the hill, and stood over the rooster, and said, "Well old boy, ya done did yerself in."

A woman goes travelling for two days to visit a sick friend.

When she returns to the apartment, her son hugs her and says, "Mom, mom, guess what happened yesterday?

While I was playing inside the closet, dad entered in the room with the neighbor. They removed the clothes. They lied in bed, and then dad jumped on top of her and..."

The mother grabs the son's hand and says, "Don't say anything else, we will wait for your father to return and you will repeat that, just as you told me!"

The father comes back from work and the woman screams at him, "I am gone.I'm packing my suitecases and I am leaving!"

"But why?" the dad asks.

The mother goes back to the son and says, "Speak, son. Tell him what you told me!"

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.

"Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer,

"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently, the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them," replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer.