|  IP: Logged

Another joke:

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

The teacher was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," Johnnie explained.

"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack and Mommy fainted."

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Philadelphia son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

 |  IP: Logged

~Maude & Esther~

:::two older southern ladies are sitting on a porch one warm afternoon, sipping iced, ejoying the pleasant weather of the day, carrying on a sporadic conversation:::

Esther: You know what Maude? I just learned something the other day.

Maude: What was that?

Esther: Did you know that there are men that kiss other men's private parts?

Maude: My lands! I had no idea! ...What do they call them?

Esther: Homosexuals.

:::a pauses ensues:::

Esther: And do you know what else I learned?

Maude: ...What else?

Esther: That there are women that kiss other women's private parts.

Maude: No!

Esther: Yes. And do you know what they call them?

Maude: ...No. What?

Esther: Lesbians.

:::both are quiet for a few moments, and Esther grins mischievously:::

Esther: Do you know what else I learned?

Maud: (a bit timidly) ...What else?

Esther: That there are men that kiss women's private parts.

Maude: (her mood brightens) Oh. Now what do they call them?

Esther: (fanning herself) Well, after I gets done breathing so hard. I just call him 'precious'.

*******************
*******************

~GLB

One day Jerry wakes up in the morning, feeling amazingly great. He bounces out of bed, ready to face the world, and anything that it might throw his way.

Jerry trots downstairs and finds his wife making breakfast. Once she sees him, a worried expression crosses her face. "Jerry, hun, are you feeling ok?"

"Oh, I feel great!" Jerry replies.

"You look awful dear," his wife remarks. "Are you sure that you want to go to work today?"

"Oh yeah! I don't just feel fine. I feel great! he answers.

His wife shrugs, knowing that it would be pointless to argue with him.

Jerry sets off to work, in high spirits. When he arrives, hi coworkers greet him near the entrance. "Jerry! Man, you look like shit! Are you suer that you should be here, instead of at home."

Jerry rolls his eyes. "My wife said the same thing, but really guys, I feel great!"

His coworkers shrug, and all head off to get to work.

Jerry's boss stops by where he is working. "Jerry! What are you doing here today? You look awful. You look like you should be at home."

"Everyone keeps saying I look terrible," Jerry replies. "But really, I feel great!"

His boss is skeptical. "Go see the nurse then, better to be safe..."

"Fine. Fine. I'll go," Jerry concedes. "But I can tell you that nothing's wrong."

Jerry gets in to see the nurse. The nurse is pretty new, and still not well versed in odd illnesses. "Well, Jerry, you look terrible," he confides.

"But really man, I feel excellent!" Jerry protests.

And despite the fact that Jerry does look awful, the nurse can't find anything wrong with him. So the nurse starts looking up the sysmtoms, and mutters to himself as he reads. 'Looks great, feels awful, no, that's not the one... ahhh... here it is... looks awful, feels great.'
The nurse looks up. "Well Jerry, seems that you are a vagina."

*****************************
*****************************

~GLB

"What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." "Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?" The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."

"Now son. You can't talk baby talk at school like you do at home. So don't say things like 'bow-wow,' or 'moo-moo'. Just say 'dog' or 'cow'. And ask to go to the bathroom, not 'I wanna go tinkle'. Got it?" The boy nodded in understanding and went off to school.

About an hour later, the school's principal called the father and asked him to come in for a conference about his son.

"What's the problem?" the worried dad asked him.

"Well Mr. Hall," the principal said, "your son is using some rather inappropriate lauguage in class."

"I don't believe it," the father retorted. "What did he say?"

"Well, when his teacher asked him what story he'd like her to read aloud, your son said... well, ahem, ah he said..."

"What? Spit it out," the father demanded.

"He said that he wanted her to read him Winnie the Shit!"

Well, ol' Jeb and Zeke decided enough was enough; they dig themselves to China while the Yankee shouts orders. Zeke decides to go up there and give that sonofabitch a piece of his mind. The 'super' just says, "You ain't nothin' but a dirty redneck. Digging dirt is all you're good for! Now get back there and keep digging!" Zeke starts in... "Why, I oughta' bust you in half fer sayin' that!"

"Here, I'll prove it!", says the super as he holds his hand up in front of a brick wall. "Just try to hit my hand as hard as you can." Ol' Zeke winds up and takes his best shot... The super pulls his hand away at the last second and Zeke bashes his fist into the wall, scraping up his knuckles and probably busted a finger or two. "See what I mean?", chuckles the fat-ass, "Now get back there and start digging!" Zeke just holds his hand in pain and goes back down in the hole.

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mummy almost died this morning".

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it..

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the bartender.

The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"

The guy says, "I'm late for work."

"What do you do?"

The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"

The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot butthole?"

"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge.."

Luke: Hey, what happened to Biggs? I could have sworn he was here a minute ago...

Kenobi, before fight scene: Darth, you ignorant slut!

Random Imperial Trooper: Emperor Palpatine? Here's that wrinkle cream you asked for, sir...

R2D2 : Anything coherent

Han : Okay, I admit it. It's all my fault.

Luke: You're kinda cute...can I buy you a drink?

Luke: (trying to impress girl) Wanna see some neat Jedi tricks?

Jabba : Anything that doesn't start with Hoooo, Hoooo, Hoooo

Yoda or Mon Mothma : I've fallen, and I can't get up!

Lando : Han, I've always loved you

Anonymous Death Star Officer: Wow, that Vader is touchy today.

C3PO : No comment

Chewbacca: Why don't I ever get the girl?

Han : I traded the Falcon in for this new family model...

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Luke, will you please stop whining?

Darth Vader: This is CNN.

Ewok Female: You know, that Chewbacca may be tall, but he's awfully cute.

Luke: Jeez, only one woman around, and she has to be my sister.

Jabba : Pass me that can of SlimFast, will you?

Imerial Officer: Why don't any of the rebels have this British accent?

Leia: I want my hairstylist executed - immediately.

Yoda: I have seen the future, and we're never going to make it to episode 7.

Lando : Okay, I admit it. It's all my fault.

Han : Chewie, you need shampoo AGAIN?!

Han : OUCH! Chewie, have you been using my razor again?

Luke : Jedi, Shmedi. Let's go hit a bar, Han.

Luke : Anybody got a cigarette?

Boba Fett : You know, I'm actually a really nice guy when you get to know me...

Palpatine : Budget crisis? Whaddaya mean BUDGET CRISIS???

Jabba : And pack the extra Sand Skiff with Rolaids

Bib Fortuna : Does anyone here know how to do a French Braid?

Han : Hey Lando - how much DO you spend on dry cleaning, anyway?

Lando : Han, you seem troubled...have you called my psychic hotline yet?

Leia : No, I didn't say TRIM, I said cut it ALL OFF!

C3PO : Actually, I have nothing to say.

Luke (to Vader) : But what happens if I push this button on your chest that says Off?
or : This button that says Reboot?
or : This button that says Light Side?
or : Why do your buttons say Mix, Puree, Blend, etc...?
or : Why do your buttons say Wash, Rinse, Spin Dry, etc...?