A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "Ha! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

What's better than winning a few events in the Special Olympics??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...Not being retarded...

******
******

Has anyone here heard my joke about the three holes in the ground???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
No?
.
.
.
Well. Well. Well.

*****
*****

:::runs away and hides:::

...yeah...

_______________

Advance apologies to the any blondes, but here they come...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

----

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.

She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

__________________________________________

Disclaimer...

I do not believe blondes are dumb as may be inferred by these jokes. I do, however, think the jokes are pretty darn funny. So funny in fact...that here's another...

_________________________________________

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with her at a salon.

The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car any more."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I, the car only has 50,000 miles on it."

There was once this 300 pound woman who wanted to be a disco dance contest winner but her weight made it impossible
After visiting several doctors she was finally told in desperation to try a diet called the Shakespere, ( that consisted of eating nothing but ham) being assured that by spring she would win the contest.
Sure enough in the spring she was a trim young lady that easily won the competition
When asked about the miracle she said she owed it all to the bard and to quote
"This is the winner of our discotech, made glorious thinner by a ton of pork."
sorry I couldn't resist 3 bottles of wine

'That's my wife and my mistress down there. You had better go and tell them' said the first projectionist.

So the second projectionist started to walk down to tell the two women but was back just as quick. 'You wouldn't beleive it but that's MY wife and MY mistress down there.

regards,

What do you call a guy w/ no arms and no legs sitting in a hole?
Phil

Floating in the water?
Bob

Hanging on a wall?
Art

Laying in from of the door?
Matt

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They rearranged the furniture, took off all the doorknobs, and left the plunger in the toilet.

Because it held up a pair of pants.

Evans

Mr Johnson replies, "I feel fine, Doc. But you know, its the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"

The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.

The doctor tells her, "Mrs Johnson, I'm a little worried about your father-in-law. It seems that when he get up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light goes on....."

Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.

What is the difference between a trampoline and a banjo?

You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

What did the banjo player get on his SAT?

Drool.

How do you know when the stage is level?

When the banjo player drools out of BOTH sides of his mouth.

Evans
http://home.hiwaay.net/~criswell/theatre/

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now
been
unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will
be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check
the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will
let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem,
"God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying
out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There
is only one kind of football. What you refer to as
American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15%
of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to
play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are
hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side
by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The
98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is
French for "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November
8th will be a new national holiday, but only in
England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and it is for your own good. When we show you German
cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

What do you call a porno film shot in IMAX?

CLIMAX

---------------------------------------------

A stage carpenter and a stage electrician show up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asks them both if there is anything they'd like to see before passing into the Everafter. The electrician says, "You know, I don't think I ever once saw a perfect blackout."

"No problem" says St. Peter. "Standby... Out!"

Instantaneously they were enveloped in perfect darkness.

"And... Restore!"

With that, everything was as it was before.
Except that the carpenter had struck the Gates...

---------------------------------------------

Some occupational therapists were doing a study of personality traits that gravitate to various professions. The professions were selected at random, with the first three being doctors, engineers and stagehands. The therapists devised a simple test in which the test subject was to be left alone for a time in a room. In this room was a table upon which rested three steel balls. When time was up the therapists would note what, if anything, the subjects did with these items.

The doctor was led into the room first. After a suitable time the therapists returned and found that the three steel balls had been meticulously cleaned and sterilized. The therapists noted this.

The engineer was left in the room next. When the therapists returned this time they found that the three steel balls had been perfectly stacked into a column. Impressed, the therapists noted this.

The stagehand was put into the room. Upon returning the therapists found:

One ball was missing.

One ball was broken.

The last ball was in the stagehand's pocket, with the stagehand swearing up and down that the producer said he could keep it...

---------------------------------------------

An airline crew had just leveled off and with the cruise checklist completed, were settling in for the long flight home. The flight engineer asked the captain for the clipboard for the cruise power schedule. The captain did not respond (not an unusual captain's response to flight engineer queries).

Thinking that the captain had dozed off (not an unusual state for a captain to be in at start of cruise) the flight engineer tapped the captain's shoulder. The captain slumped over, dead in his seat.

The flight engineer exclaimed, "Jeez, the captain's just died! What are we gonna do now!?"

To which the first officer replied, "Well, the first thing we do is get that fat sonabitch out of *my* seat."

---------------------------------------------

Tailwinds,

Tiger shark sin theta.

What do you get when you cross a tiger with a mountain climber?

You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar.

About five minutes later he comes back and says, "Yeah, you're right! I need TWO by FOURS!" The clerk says, "Good. Now, how long do you want them?" The fella' scratches his head again and goes back out to the truck.