One day she asked Jonny what his problem was he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her to."

The teacher took him to the principals office and explained the situation to the principal.The principal told her that he would give Jonny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet.

The teacher and Jonny both agreed.

Principal: "what is 3 x 3" Jonny: "9"

Principal: "6 x 6" Jonny: "36"

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know.

Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Jonny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Jonny agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of? Jonny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" the principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Jonny says, "pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Jonny:"Pants"

Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?"

Jonny: "Firetruck" The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says

A schoolteacher from Oklahoma set her fifth grade class an assignment: get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day they all came back, and she asked Katie to go first. "Well, my parents are farmers - dairy farmers - and one day Dad put his eggs in a massive container to take to the market, which he then put on the front seat of his pickup. Less than half a mile out, the pickup went over a pothole and all the eggs smashed, creating an awful mess." "What's the moral of that?," asked the teacher. "You shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket," replied Katie.

Next up was Tommy. "Well ma'am, my parents are also farmers - chicken farmers. We had 12 eggs and thought that we would be able to sell 12 chickens, but only 10 of them actually hatched. The moral? Don't count your chickens before they've hatched.""Very good," said the teacher.

"Now Jenna, what's your story?" "Well," replied Jenna, "my aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Operation Desert Storm. Her plane got shot down, and before she bailed out all she had time to collect was a bottle of Bourbon, an AK-47 and a machete. Fearing that the bottle might break, she drunk the whisky on the way down. When she landed she was confronted by 100 homicidal Iraqis. She shot the first 70 with the AK-47 but then it ran out of bullets. She killed another 20 with the machete before its handle snapped. Finally, she finished off the remaining 10 with her bare hands."

One morning, looking in his mirror, he noticed he was sun-tanned all over...with the exception of his penis...which he readily decided to dosomething about.

He went to the beach completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling on the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing this penis sticking out of the sand she began to move it around with her cane.

Remarking to her friend she said, "there really is no justice in the world." Her friend asked, "What do you mean?"

The cane pusher said while pointing to the tanning penis...

Finally, something other than Smiley faces ...

(o)(o)     Perfect breasts

(+)(+)     Fake silicone breasts

(*)(*)     High nipple breasts

(@)(@)   Big nipple breasts

00       A cups

{O}{O}    D cup

(oYo)      Wonderbra breasts

(^)(^)     Cold breasts

(o)(O)     Lopsided breasts

(Q)(O)     Pierced breasts

(p)(p)     Hanging tassels breasts

\o/\o/     Grandma breasts

( - )( - )  Flat against the Shower Door breasts

IoIIoI     Android breasts

($)($)     Jenny McCarthy's breasts

And God created woman and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you would like changed?"

She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of the middle breast?"And so it was done, and it was good.The the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand,

"What can be done with this useless boob?"

And God created man. 

An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a near by town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and sooth him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

She looks around and picks the most expensive kind of cat food. As she approaches the cashier, she tells her, "Nothing but the best for my little kitty."

The clerk tells the old lady that she can't sell her the cat food because a lot of old people buy cat food to eat it. She then tells the old lady that she needs proof that she has a cat.

So the old lady goes home, takes her cat, and drags it to the store. Once the clerk sees that the old lady actually has a cat, she sells her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady goes to the grocery store again this time to buy dog food.

She looks around and picks the most expensive kind of dog food. As she approaches the cashier, she tells her, "Nothing but the best for my little puppy."

The clerk tells the old lady that she can't sell her the dog food becausea lot of old people buy dog food to eat it. She then tells the old lady that she needs proof that she has a dog.

So the old lady, who is now very frustrated, goes home, takes her dog, and drags it to the store. Once the clerk sees that the old lady actually has a dog, she sells her the dog food.

The next day the old lady goes back to the grocery store with a jar in her hands. The jar is covered with old newspapers and it has a little hole at the top. The old lady goes directly to the clerk and politely asks the clerk to stick her finger in.

Theclerk immediately refuses because she is afraid that the old lady has a snake inside. The old lady assures the clerk that there is nothing in the jar that will bite her. So the clerk sticks her finger inside the jar and feels around. She tells the old lady that whatever is inside, is very soft and mushy.

Theold lady now tells the clerk to take her finger out, and smell it.

The clerk does what she is told. As soon as she begins to smell her finger, she starts to yell. She told the old lady that the jar is full of crap and her finger smells like shit.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"said one boy.

The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my goodness!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St.Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The old man said,"Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you.

That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex.

The first old lady saidshe enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.

The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.

The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake.

In conversation while waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked."Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and in conversation they begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all."What if it doesn't work out?, " they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, " you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out?Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"Whats wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

Luckily the babies are okay.  The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. 

She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.  

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asks the mother. 

"I was taking a pee and this bullet  came out" replied the daughter. 

The mother tells her it's okay and explains  what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a pee and this bullet came out".  

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

 A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the Mom, "I know what happened.  You were taking a pee and a  bullet came out."  

She gets married and has 17children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.

Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies inher coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together." A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The first baby tells the other two, "When I get out of here I'm gonna be an electrician because it's to damn dark up in here."

The second baby says, "When I get out of here I'm going to be a doctor, because this cord is bugging the hell out of me."

There was a slight problem though, their husbands were all named Leroy.

The ladies decided to name thier Leroy's after soda pop.

The first lady said, "I am going to namemy Leroy 7 Up."

The other ladies said, "Why 7 Up?"

She replied, "Well my Leroy has 7 inches and it is always up!"

The next lady said, "I am goingto name my Leroy Mountain Dew."

The other two ladies said, "Why MountainDew?" " Well," she said, "My Leroy likes to mount me and he likes to do me.

"The third lady was scratching her head, she could not think of a soda pop, finally she says, "I am going to name my Leroy Jack Daniels."

He stomps up to the counter and says to the madam, "I wanna woman.

"I'm sorry," she says, "but we don't let boys your age have a woman."

The little boy slams a hundred dollar bill down on the counter and says, "I wanna woman!"

So the madam asks him what kind of woman he wants.

"A skanky one," he replies. "I want her to have AIDS, Syphilis,crabs, the works. I want the nastiest whore in the place."

Offended, the madam says, "We don't have women like that here."

So the boy slams another hundred down, and the madam points to a room down the hall and says "last door on the right."

The boy walks down the hall, dragging his dead frog on a string, and goes into the room.

He screws the hell out of the woman, and then leaves (still dragging his dead frog on a string). Just as he's getting ready to leave, the madam calls him over and asks why on earth he would want someone so nasty.

"Well, it's like this," he says, "I'm gonna go home about seven o'clock tonight, and I'm gonna have sex with my baby sitter. Then when mom and dad come home about nine o' clock, dad's gonna take the babysitter home, and he's gonna screw her. Then dad's gonna come home, and him and mom are gonna go to bed, and they'll screw. In the morning, dad will leave for work, and the milkman will stop by, and mom will have sex with him. Now here's where it all comes down you see!!