Here was one of the winners.

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am.

I has just packed every one off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.

The trip usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.

I was surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond.

The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went as normal, some shopping, cleaning andt he evening meal, etc.

It was hard for him, but he went back to sleep.

The next nighthe heard the same noises, but once again fell back asleep.

Finally, on the third day that he was woken up by his parents,he decides to see what the heck they are doing.

So he walks up to his parents room, and sees his mother on top of his father. She is moving up and down on top of him, and they both are making grunting noises.

He has no idea what is going on, and decides to go back to bed.The next morning the boy tells his mother about how they woke him up, and what he saw when he went to see what they were doing.

Finally, he asks what was going on.

His mother decides he is too young to learn about sex, so she tells him that since his father is getting old and fat, she has to jump on top on him to keep him thin.

He liked to look up little girl's skirts.

One day he had a sucker with him and he told this little girl that he would give her the sucker if she would climb to the top of the monkey bars(Un beknownst to her, he was gonna look up her skirt).

So the ittle girl climbed to the top and the little boy gave her the sucker.

The little girl walked home that day and her mother immediatelynoticed the sucker hanging out of her mouth.

Her mother asked her where she got the sucker and the little girl told her the story of the little boy and the monkey bars. Her mother was appalled and she scolded her little girl for falling for the trick.

She said "Don't you know that little boy was just tryingt o see you panties?"

The little girl went to school the next day and the little boyoffered her another sucker in exchange for her climbing to the top of the monkey bars.

She said, "My Mommie told me that all you wanted to do was look at my panties-and I'm not going to let you!"Now the little boy was determined so he offered her a whole bag of suckers and she accepted.

She went home and her mother scolded her again!

She went to school the next day determined that the little boy was not going to see her panties. But, he offered her 2 bags of suckers and she gave in. T

hat afternoon she went home and her mother proceded to scold her again.

Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles,he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and we have more sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."   

All of a sudden, they saw a naked lady sun bathing so of course, they stopped to look.

Then, right out of the blue, one of the kids takes off running. The next day, they see the same lady, and again, the same kid takes off running.

On the third day they stop to see the lady, and she is still there. But this time, before the kid can run away, his two friends grab him by the arm,and theyask him "What's the matter, don't you like looking at naked women?"

And the kid replies, "Yeah, but my mommy told me that if I look at a naked woman too long, I'll turn to stone. And I felt something getting hard."   

She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"

Little Johnny started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the mailman tell my mommy, "I'm gonna eat your pussy today!"   

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!   

It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says,"Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!

"The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

Suddenly there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapseso n top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer is astounded!

When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has everdone it before!"

The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years.

Finally,Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It'sdriving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"J

The first thing the therapist says is "Drop your pants. Let's have a look". The couple does as they're told and therapist looks them up and down. After a careful examination of them both he says "OK. I can help get that spark back in your marriage. Here's what you do: On your way home stop at the grocery store and buy a bag of grapes and a box of doughnuts. When you get home, take off all f your clothes and sit on the floor across the room from each other and facing each other.

Now, Bob, you take the grapes, roll them across the floor one by one and try to get one in your wife's vagina. When you get one in, crawl along the floor to her and retrieve the grape with your tongue.

Laura, you take the doughnuts and play "ring-toss" with Bob. When you get one over his penis, crawl along the floor and slowly eat the doughnut. When you've done that, you'll have that spark yout hought you'd lost.

"Bob and Laura go home and try this therapy. To their surprise they have the best sex they've had in years!

The next day Bob's friend Tom confides in him that he and his wife are having marital problems. Immediately Bob speaks up and says "Tom; you have to go to this therapist. Guaranteed he can help you! He helped Laura and me.'

So Tom takes his wife and goes to see the therapist. The first thing the therapist says is "Ok. Drop your pants. Let's have a look at you both

"Tom and his wife do as they're told and the therapist looks them up and down. The therapist frowns and says "I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do for you."

"What?! " yells Tom. But my friend said that you could help us...guaranteed!

Isn't there anything you can do for us?"

The moral of this story,

DONT LIE TO KIDS!

Another villager said, "That is impossible, mine must be the coldest." The remaining two villagers suggested that they have a contest to see who's igloo was the coldest. They set off immediately to find the coldest igloo.

When they arrived at the first Eskimo's igloo he asked them to observe. He gathered spit in his mouth and spit in the middle of the igloo. As soon as the spit hit the floor it froze. The others were very impressed.

Shortly after they arrived at the second Eskimo's igloo. He walked over to the stove and removed a kettle of hot tea. He moved to the center of the igloo and poured it onto the ground.The instant the hot tea hit the ground it froze. Amazed, the others turned to leave.

They soon came upon the third Eskimo's igloo. He walked up to the stove and removed a kettle of hot cocoa. He brought it to the middle of the room and poured it out. As soon as it came out of the kettle it froze, then fell to the floor and shattered.The others could not believe their eyes.

Finally they were at the fourth Eskimo's igloo. He led them into the bedroom were he slept. He walked them over to the bed and pulled back the sheets. On the bed were 4 green balls. Confused, the others asked what they were. The Eskimo smiled, pulled out a match, and held it under the ball. A huge fart shook the igloo.

Years later that same Eskimo brags about the night that his farts froze.   

Suddenly, a cell phone that was on one of the benches, rings. A man picks it up and here is the conversation:

"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me.""Sugar!" "Are you at the club?"

"Yes,"

"Great! I'm at the mall and I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500."

"Well, go ahead and get it if you like it that much."

"And I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. There's one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a great price and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you for?""Only $60,000."

"OK, but for that price I want all the options."

"Oh, honey, that's wonderful! Before we hang up, there's one more thing."

"What is it?"

"I went to see the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!. Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of parking area,beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?""Just $450,000. It's a magnificent price and I see that we have just enough money in the bank to buy it."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!!"

"Bye. I love you, too.

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I wasworking alone on the roof of a new six story building.

When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.I refer you again to my weight.As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly.The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

1.You Are Different and That's Bad

2.The Boy Who Died From Eating All of His Vegetables

3.Dad's New Wife

4.Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share

5.Hammers,Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6.The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7.Kathy Was so Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving

8.Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9.All Cats Go to Hell

10.The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11.Some Kittens Can Fly

12.That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13.Grandpa Gets a Casket

14.The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refridgerator1

5.Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16.The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17.Strangers Have the Best Candy

18.Whinning, Kicking, and Screaming to Get Your Way

19.You Were an Accident

20.Things Rich Kids Have, but You Never Will

21.Pop! Goes the Hamster.....and Other Microwave Games

2.The Man on the Moon is Actually Satan

23.Your Nightmares are Real

24.Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25.Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26.Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27.Places Were Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things