1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for theSpanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (lapapa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to makea tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la",meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le",translating into "happiness in the mouth."

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful
daughter.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would
melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic -- anything she
touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired.

What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his
wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your
daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she
will be cured."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not
melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young
princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a
goblet made of titanium, the hardest alloy in the kingdom.

But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince
went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond,
thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and
would not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was
sent away disappointed. The third prince approached.

He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what
is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.She held
it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived
happily ever after.

Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?

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They were M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth,
not in your hand.

The cop ask's for his Driver's license and the guy says "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."

The cop ask's for his registration and the guy says "It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment.

At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks up to the guy
in the car.

The supervisor asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid with the guys real name and information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says "It's in the Glove compartment."

The supervisor tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks around to the
passenger side and opens the glove compartment.

There is the registration in the guys name and everything seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk.

The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop had told him.

SALESMAN: "Is your mommy there?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "Yes."
SALESMAN: "Can I speak with her?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "She's busy."
SALESMAN: "Is your daddy there?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "Yes."
SALESMAN: "Can I speak with him?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "He's busy."
SALESMAN: "Is there anyone else there?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "The fire department."
SALESMAN: "Can I talk to one of them?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "They're busy."
SALESMAN: "Is there anybody else there?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "The police department."
SALESMAN: "Well, can I talk to one of them?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "They're busy."

SALESMAN: "Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the
fire department and the police department are all in your
house, and they're all busy. What are they doing?"

The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.

When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.

He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.

She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.

Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether.

She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.

Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.

When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door.

She says just Bill.

They're starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, "Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?"

The other sperm replies, "Naaaahhhhh, we can find it."

So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who's almost dead and decide to stop and ask for directions.

They ask, "Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?"

The almost dead sperm says, "I'll try, where ya going?"

The two sperms reply, "Well, we're trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can
try and fertilize the egg."

The almost dead sperm just starts laughing.

The other two sperms look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, "What's so funny?"

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement - 12 cal
Without her agreement - 187 cal

TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands - 8 cal
With one hand - 12 cal
With one hand being slapped - 37 cal
With the mouth - 85 cal

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection - 6 cal
Without erection - 315 cal

PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris - 8 cal
Trying to find G spot - 92 cal
Without caring at all - 0 cal

WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up - 12 cal
Just on the floor - 8 cal

POSITIONS
Daddy-mummy - 12 cal
69 laying - 8 cal
69 standing up - 112 cal
Trolley - 216 cal
Italian chandelier - 912 cal

HAVING AN ORGASM
Real - 112 cal
Fake - 315 cal

POST ORGASM
Staying in bed - 8 cal
Jumping off the bed - 36 cal
Explaining why you jumped off the bed -816 cal

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age -12 cal
from 20 to 29 - 36 cal
from 30 to 39 - 108 cal
from 40 to 49 - 324 cal
from 50 to 59 - 972 cal
over 60 - 2916 cal

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner of the booth, he decides he will show her. The man unzips his pants, whips out his small dick, and shoves it into her hand. He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction.

His girlfriend says, "Thanks for offering, but I don't smoke."

I wonder if it's ? You never know?

The man sort of laughing and says, "S.H.I.T."

The lady frusrated says again, "T.G.I.F."

Again the man says, "S.H.I.T."

The lady turns to the man and says, "How dare you swear in the presence of a lady!

T.G.I.F.; thank god it's friday."

The man turns to her and says, "I wasn't swearing!

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak--it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry.

Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine.

Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army.

And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud
slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss theback of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

*******************

Three girls are sitting at a bar talking about how loose thier pussy is.

"My pussy is so loose my boyfriend can stick his whole hand in me." Says the first girl.

"My pussy is so loose my boyfriend can stick BOTH of his hands in me." Says the second girl.

The third girl laughs as she slides down the bar stool....

************************

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in the father's room the other day and guess what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

"That's your car. You can park your car in any garage you want."

Meanwhile, little Suzie went home and was also puzzled. Seeing this, her mother asked her what was wrong. Little Suzie pointed to her vagina and said, "Mommy, what's this?"

"That's your garage. You don't let ANYBODY park their car in your garage!"