"Test her," the doctor said. "Stand back from her a ways and ask her a question, then move up a little and ask again, then move a little closer, then closer, and this way we'll gauge when she starts to hear you."

So the husband went home and saw his wife busy at the kitchen sink.

Standing in the doorway he asked when dinner would be ready.

No response.

He moved a little closer and asked again.

No response.

He asked again even closer.

Again, no response.

Soon he was standing right at her shoulder and asked again.

This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute

12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

16) My kid had sex with your honor student.

17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.

18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

36) CAT----- The Other White Meat

37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon

38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes

39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?

40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.

41) Welcome To **** Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles

42) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother.

- OOPS !!

- I wonder what this does!

- Hand me the saw someone!

- Did he say the right or left leg?

- It is now out of my hands...Nurse, could you grab it? It's over there behind the keg.

- I'd feel alot better about this if the dotted lines were pre-drawn like
back at night school.
- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

- Rats, there go the lights again...

- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em."

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens.

- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

- What's this doing here?

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!

- Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

- And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

- This patient has already had kids, am I correct ?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card ?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out !

- Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing !

- Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

The teacher was tired after a long day, and didn't want to put up with any shit. It's not that her class was bad, but there was one boy named Johnathan , that everybody called Dirty Johny, who could turn anything into something nasty.

She was working her way through the alphabet, having the kids name one word that
started with each letter. Naturally, she didn't want to call on Dirty Johny, because he would say a nasty word.

So she ignored his hand, despite the fact that it was constantly raised to volunteer.

It was all going fine, until she got to "R". She was unable to find any nasty words that started with "R", so she figured, logically, that he couldn't either. Johny's hand was still up in the air, so she called on him.

He sat and thought for a while, and said "Rats." Thinking he was cursing the fact
that he couldn't find a dirty word, she started to say something, until she realized that "rats" was an "R" word.

She said "thank you Johny" and started to move on.

Then Johny yelled out loud "REAL BIG FUCKIN' RATS, WITH DICKS
THIS<-----------------------------------> BIG

Having picked up a few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and everything, and he was good at it.

Eventually, it became such a problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it. After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.

One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch black, you dye your hair."

"I most certainly do not," she replied.

"I bet you ten bucks you do," he said.

She saw that this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for all the other children to leave the class and took off her pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the hair on her head.

Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked sullenly out of the room.

A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father."I think I finally taught him a lesson," she said.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (So what are you waiting for?)

If you fart consistantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create an atomic bomb.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (Left-handies take note!!)

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animals having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a footbal field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

A gorilla's penis is 1/3 that of a human.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

The giraffe has a black tongue that is 14 inches long and about no vocal cords.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

He stopped to investigate

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...nothing...only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material Ifound on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you." he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"Wow! This woman is amazing!" he muses, "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

All your orgasms are real.

You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

Sex means never worrying about your reputation
.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

You can write your name in the snow.

Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever
thinking "He must be mad at me".

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

One mood, all the time

You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's
just too skeevy.

You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.

Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.

With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

You don't mooch off others' desserts.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

The remote control is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.

You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your other friends you've changed.

Someday you'll be a dirty old man
.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"

Things that suck about being a guy:

The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.

External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.

Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper,
you're not allowed to cry.

Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.

You have to wear ties.

You can't flirt your way out of a jam.

Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife
wasn't here. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the
kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting
up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP, THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST, COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN. PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE. NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied:

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

1. A day without sunshine is like, night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Remember: half the people you know are below average.

12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16. Eagles may soar, but dogs don't get sucked into jet engines.

17. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

18. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.

19. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

21. The only substitue for good manners is fast reflexes.

22. Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have.

23. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

24. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

25. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

26. Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

27. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

28. Bills travel though the mail at twice the speed of checks.

29. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

30. Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store check-out line you're in will always take the longest.

31. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

32. Anything you buy will go on sale the next day.

33. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

34. The colder the x-ray table the more of you body is required on it.

35. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

36. The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach it.

37. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

38. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

39. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

40. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

41. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

42. The sooner you fall behine the more time you'll have to catch up

43. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

44. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

45. Get a new car for you spouse -- it'll be a great trade!

46. Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.

47. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

48. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

49. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Make sure you have a pen and paper to write down all of your answers... or just a really good memory. Try to imagine this happening...

1) You are walking to your love's house. There are two roads to get there. One is a straight path which takes you there quickly, but it is very plain and boring. The other is curvy and full of wonderful sights on the way, but it takes quite a while to reach your loved one's house.

Do you choose the short or the long path?

2) On the way, you see two rose bushes. One is full of red roses, the other is full of white roses. You decide to pick 20 roses for your love. You can give your love any kind of color combination of roses that you
choose. All white, 15 red and 5 white, half and half, 19 white and 1 red, whatever!

What color combination do you choose?

3) You finally reach your love's house. You ring the bell and the maid answers. You can ask the maid to please get your loved one for you, or you may go upstairs and get your love yourself.

Do you ask the maid or get your love yourself?

4) Now, you go upstairs to your love's room. No one is there. You want to suprise your love by leaving the roses on the bed or by the window sill.

Do you leave the roses on the bed or window sill?

5) Later, it's time for bed. You and your loved one go to sleep in separate rooms. You wake up early in the morning to check on your love.

You enter the room.

Is your love awake or sleeping?

6) It's time to go now, and you start to head back. You can take either path home now: the plain, boring one that gets you home fast or the curvy, sight filled path that you can casually take your time with and enjoy the view on your way home.

Do you choose the short or long path home?

The interpretations are below... Make a wish about your love on your way down!

* falling stars*

*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
***********
**********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
***********
************
*************
**************
***************
****************
*****************
******************
*******************
********************
*********************
**********************
***********************
************************
*************************
************************
***********************
**********************
*********************
********************
*******************
******************
*****************
****************
***************
**************
*************
************
***********
**********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
**********
***********
**********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*

Hope you made a wish!

Interpretations:

1) If you chose the short path to reach your love's house, you fall love quickly, easily, and probably very often. If you chose the long path, hit takes you a while to trust someone and fall in love.

2) The number of roses you choose of each color determines how much of yourself you give in a relationship and how much you expect from the other person. The number of white is how much of yourself you give, the number of red is how much you expect from your partner. For example, if you chose
all white, you give yourself fully and unconditionally in a relationship.If you chose half and half your relationships are equally balanced. Or if you chose a few more red than white you tend to take a bit more than give in a relationship.

3) If you asked the maid to go get your love for you, you tend to avoid confrontation and ignore problems in your relationship for as long as possible. If you went to get your loved one yourself you always bring up
problems with your partner and want them resolved quickly. You don't mind fighting once in a while.

4) If you left the roses on the bed, you're very attached and you want to see your love all the time. If you left the roses on the windowsill, you don't mind just seeing your love once in a while.

5) If your love is awake you want for them to change. If you chose sleeping, you love them just the way they are.

6) If you chose the short path home, you tend to fall out of love easily. You are fickle and have a tendency to bounce around from relationship to relationship. It is easy for you to get over someone. If you chose the long path home, you stay in love for a long time. When you fall, you fall
hard.