One day dad went off to work and mom told the boy what his chores were for that day: First feed the pigs, then put the chickens back in the cage, and then let the cows out in the field to graze.

The boy went out to feed the pigs. He was in a very bad mood for having to do such stupid chores, but he didn't want to disobey his mom so he fed the pigs like he should; but he hit them with sticks and grumbled to himself. Next he went to put the chickens in their cage; but while putting them into the cage he started kicking and yelling at them. And last he went to let the cows out in the field; since he was still in a bad mood he started chasing the cows and yelling at them.

Mom saw all this happen and when the boy came back from his chores she told him, "I saw the way you threw stuff at the pigs, so for a week you don't get any bacon for breakfast. I also saw the way you kicked and yelled at the chickens so for one week noeggs or chicken. I also saw the way you chased the cows while putting them out in the field, so no hamburgers for you for a week."

Later that day, the dad came home from a terrible day at work. As the dad walked up to the house he almost tripped over the cat. "Damn cat!" So he kicked it really hard.

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this.

We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.'
He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

Steven Gorsky

Nerds of the world unite.

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED --ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK"

He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The
bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long. The
bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over
the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

Football player version
Time limit: 3 weeks

1.What language is spoken in France?

2.Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - or give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespear to:
a. build a bridge b. sail the ocean c. lead an army d. write a play

4. What religion is the Pope?
a. Jewish b. Catholic c. Hindu
d. Polish e. Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion - - how many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.)

8. What are the people in America's far north called?
a.westerners b. southerners c. easterners d. northerners

9. Spell - Bush, Carter, and Clinton.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does the rain come from?
a. Macy's b. 7-11 c. Canada d. The Sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
a. yes b. no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium - or - spell your name in block letters.

16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York b. FLORIDA c.Canada d. Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?

20. The University of Illinois tradition for efficiency began when?
a. B.C. b. A.D. c. STILL WAITING

* YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY

How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace

1. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

2. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

3. Insist that your e-mail address be "Thor_god_of_War@film-tech.com"

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask him to settle the disagreement.

8. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

11. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

12. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No, I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." "Hey Bucko, are we meeting later?"etc...

14. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

15. Schedule meetings for 4:14 p.m.. or 2:37 p.m., or 10:16 a.m..

16. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

17. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

18. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."

20. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

21. Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

23. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

24. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office,and talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when she/he leaves.

25. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave to get a coffee.

26. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

27. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

28. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

29. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.

30. "Hi-lite" your shoes and tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

34. Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." or "Ona personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

35. Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

37. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

38. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your own children.

39. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc.... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

40. See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.

41. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." the tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid' responses shouldn't be taken personally.

If you work too hard,
there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough,
you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

(This really happened)

Caller: Is this Tech Support?

Tech: Yes it is. How may I help you?

Caller: Well, it's a software problem. Somthing with the power.

Tech: The power supply?

Caller: Yes. Thats it.

Tech: The power supply is hardware sir, not software.

Caller: No, this is a software problem.

Tech: Ok, what exactly is the problem?

Caller: Black smoke keeps coming from the vents when I turn it on.

Tech: You need a new power supply. What you need to do is take it...

Caller: No! It's a software problem!

(The tech guy realising at this point that the guy is totally clueless about computers, and won't let up that it is a software problem, he decided to just lead him on)

Tech: Oh. I guess you are right. It MUST be a software problem.

Caller: That's what I've been trying to tell you! So how do I fix it?

Tech: Do you have your Windows 95 Startup Disk still?

Caller: Hold on, let me find it. (Pause) Yes, I have it.

Tech: Ok, on that disk is a program called "Microsoft Anti-smoke". Put the disk in, turn on the machine, and it will be fixed.

Caller: Ok, hold on (Pause) No, it didn't work.

Tech: You must need a higher version of Anti-Smoke. Call Microsoft.

Caller: Ok, thanks.

(So the man calls Microsoft)

Microsoft: Microsoft Tech Support, How may I help you?

Caller: I called this other tech guy and told him that there was smoke coming out of power supply. At first he said I needed to
replace it, but I wouldn't let him rip me off like that. So he said you guys had the program called "Anti-Smoke" on the disk I got with my computer. We tryed it, but I need A higher version.

Microsoft: Sir I don't...

(And then the Microsoft guy got what the other support guy was doing. So he went with it too.)

Microsoft: Ok sir, that won't be a problem. I need the numbers of the back of your computer so I know what version to send you.

Caller: Ok. (Pause) Z4....

Microsoft: I'm sorry, did you say "Z" was the first letter of the code?

Caller: Yes....

Microsoft: I'm afraid we have no version of "Anti-Smoke" that will work with "Z Class" computers.

Caller: Then what do I do?

Microsoft: You will have to replace your power supply.

Caller: Ok, thanks.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath. "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband?" asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight,"

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic Area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked,"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

One day a teacher tells the class, "I'm going to ask you a question on every Friday, if you answer it right you don't have to come to school on Monday.

The first Friday she asks, "How many stars are in the sky?"

Of course, nobody knows the answer so nobody raises their hand.

The next Friday she asks, "How many grains of sand are in the
beach?"

Again nobody knows the answer.

Little Johnny, getting a little annoyed, makes a plan.

The next Friday he brings in a bucket of black ping-pong balls.

When the teacher is about to ask the question Johnny rolls all of the ping-pong balls on the floor.

The teacher gets tripped and asks, "Alright, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Little Johnny immediatly stands up and says, "Bill Cosby!

So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska.

The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex."

Bill bends over for the bear.

He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.

Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him.

At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him.

The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

Bill bends over.

He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover. He's outraged.

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range.

There's a tap on his shoulder.

He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says,

In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Germany.

She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmater. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.

The schoolmaster, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house...a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the
following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of the a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As
there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly,
has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The
acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.

I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,