There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.

But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

Onetime she was sitting next to a man.

When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically."

Here Is How Shit Happens

In the beginning, there was the plan.

And then came the assumptions.

And the assumptions were without form.

And the plan was completely without substance.

The employees told their supervisors: "It's a crock of shit and it stinks!"

The supervisors then told the department heads: "It's a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odor."

The department heads then told the managers: "It's a container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none may smell it."

The managers then told the director: "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."

The director then told the VP: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

The VP told the Executive-VP: "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

The Executive-VP told the President: "It is very strong and will promote growth and efficiency of the system."

And the President reviewed the plan, and said: "This is good."

And the plan became policy.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters'; they are married to God."

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling," But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MONTANA WHEN...

You've never met any celebrities. If you did, you ignored them.

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the
highway.

You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.

You measure distance in miles. Not minutes.

Down south to you means Wyoming.

Your school classes were cancelled because of cold, but only when it was -40F or colder.

You think the best beers available on the market today are Miller, Bud, and Coors.

You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.

You have to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.

You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it.

You often reply "you bet!"

You've gotten a "To Go" drink from the local bar.

You know what "Cow Tipping" or "Snipe Hunting" is.

You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

You know how many cords of wood it will take to get through the winter.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for High School Sports.

You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly".

You know what a real Rocky Mountain Oyster is, and have a recipe for them.

You know how to properly pronounce the capital of Montana, the capital of
South Dakota and the state of Oregon.

You know someone who's shot themselves accidentally.

Four lads are having a quiet drink in a bar when a drunk staggers over and shout's at one of them "I'VE SHAGGED YOUR MUM!".

The lads just kinda look at each other and shrug their shoulders and the drunk wanders of back to the bar to get another drink.

A while later he walks back to the lads and add's "I'VE SHAGGED YOUR MUM - UP THE ARSE!!"
The lads try to ignore him again, and eventually the drunk wanders off.

Some time later the drunk has had another few drinks and go's back to the lads where he informs one of them that "YOUR MUM GIVES GREAT HEAD!"

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Rated G

Things computers only do in movies.

You never have to use space while typing long sentences.

Actors never type wrong.

All screens show letters 1 inch high.

All computers are linked to each other. You can access the bad guys computer even if it's turned off .

Powerfull computers peep whenever you press a key or when the screen changed. Some screens even change the speed that the text is printed on the screen to the speed you read it.

People who write on the computer can easily turn it off without saving information.

A hacker can break into the most advanced computer system by guessing the
password in two tries.

You can get passed "Permission denied" by choosing "override" (Demolition man).

A computer starts up in 2 seconds.

Downloads will be finished in less than 3 seconds. Modems works at a speed of 2 Gb/sec.

If you are reading a file on the computer and someone else on the network erases it, then it will dissapear from your screen.

Computers can communicate with each other regardless of what kind of computer it is (Independence day).

If you seek on Internet it doen't matter what you seek for, it will always pop up what you are looking for (Mission Impossible, Tom Cruise searches for "file" and "computer" and gets 3 matches).

Following are the top ten marketing slogans being considered for Viagra:

10. Viagra, The quicker dicker upper

9. Viagra, One-a-day, like iron

8. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively
has to be there tonight

7. Viagra, Home of the whopper

6. Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em

5. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

4. Viagra, Tastes great, more filling

3. Viagra, Ten inches long... and growing.

2. Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to

... and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. This is your schlong. This is your schlong on Viagra. Any questions?

If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort.
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash.
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you another game, sir!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol.
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss,
So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop
and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks
around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around
the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while,
Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with an "X" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The guy says, "Gimme 3 boxes."

The next day, the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, "Gimme a bottle of BenGay."

The pharmacist replies, "BENGAY?!?!?! You're not going to put BenGay on that are you?"

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked with a chalk a small "x" on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

    One chalk mark $1
    Knowing where to put it $49,999

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

There was a little boy and he was failing math. He had never had a good grade in it and on his last report card he had an F so his parents decided to send him to a Catholic school.

The first day he came on walked through the kitchen got a class of water and went to his room to study not saying a word to either of his parents. The second day he did the same thing again. This went on for about two months. He got his report card and came home got a glass of water laid his report card on the table and went to his room to study. His mom was starting to get worried so she opened his report card and sure enough he had achieved an A in Math.

A Third Grade teacher asks her class to use a three syllable word in a sentance. Three students raise their hands... the third one was dirty Johnny. The teacher ignores his waving hand and calls on Sally.

"Beautiful," Sally says. "My teacher is beautiful!" "Why, thank you Sally," the teacher laughs. "Anyone else?"

Again three students raise their hands including dirty Johnny, and once again the teacher ignores his hand. She calls on Darcy. "Wonderful. My teacher is wonderful!" Once again the teacher thanks her little students and asks for more hands.