The girls thought that they would do something for the guys so the girls went into the room and called the first guy in.  A few minutes later the guy came out with a big smile on his face.

The two other guys were like "what did they do"  the first guy said "they put a donut on my dick and ate it off".

Then the girls called the second guy in a few minutes later the guy came out with a smile on his face again the other guys said "what did they do" and he said they puta donut on my dick and ate it off." 

Then the girls called the 3rd guy in and a few minutes later the guy came out with a confused look on his face the guy said "what did they do"and the third guy looked at them and said "they went out to buy Cheerios!"

1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,which lasts until you sober up when you realize it was your money to start with.

2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person

Notes sent by parents to the school:

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) dyrea)(direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the)'s]

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gang over.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

She was six years old when I first met her on the beach near where I live.  I drive to this beach, a distance of three or four miles, whenever the world begins to close in on me. 

She was building a sandcastle or something and looked up, her eyes as blue as the sea.

"Hello," she said. I answered with a nod, not really in the mood to bother with a small child.

"I'm building," she said. "I see that. What is it?"   I asked, not caring

"Oh, I don't know, I just like the feel of sand."  That sounds good, I thought, and slipped off my shoes.  A sandpiper glided by.

"That's a joy," the child said.

"It's a what?"

"It's a joy.  My mama says sandpipers come to bring us joy."  The bird went gliding down the beach.

"Good-bye joy," I muttered to myself, "hello pain," and turned to walk on.  I was depressed; my life seemed completely out of balance.

"What's your name?"  She wouldn't give up.

"Robert," I answered.  "I'm Robert Peterson."
"Mine's Wendy... I'm six."

"Hi, Wendy."

She giggled. "You're funny," she said. In spite of my gloom I laughed too and walked on. Her musical giggle followed me.

"Come again, Mr. P," she called.  "We'll have another happy day."

The days and weeks that followed belonged to others: a group of unruly Boy Scouts, PTA meetings, and an ailing mother.  The sun was shining one morning as I took my hands out of the dishwater.  "I need a sandpiper," I said to myself, gathering up my coat. 

The ever-changing balm of the seashore awaited me.  The breeze was chilly, but I strode along, trying to recapture the serenity I needed. I had forgotten the child and was startled when she appeared.

"Hello, Mr. P," she said. "Do you want to play?"

"What did you have in mind?" I asked, with a twinge of annoyance.

"I don't know, you say." "How about charades?" I asked sarcastically.

The tinkling laughter burst forth again. "I don't know what that is."

"Then let's just walk." Looking at her, I noticed the delicate fairness of her face.  "Where do you live?" I asked. "Over there."  She pointed toward a row of summer cottages.

Strange, I thought, in winter. "Where do you go to school?"

"I don't go to school.  Mommy says we're on vacation."

She chattered little girl talk as we strolled up the beach, but my mind was on other things.

When I left for home, Wendy said it had been a happy day.  Feeling surprisingly better, I smiled at her and agreed.

Three weeks later, I rushed to my beach in a state of near panic.  I was in no mood to even greet Wendy.  I thought I saw her mother on the, porch and felt like demanding she keep her child at home

"Look, if you don't mind," I said crossly when Wendy caught up with me, "I'd rather be alone today."  She seems unusually pale and out of breath.

"Why?" she asked.

I turned to her and shouted, "Because my mother died!" and thought,"My God, why was I saying this to a little child?"

"Oh," she said quietly, "then this is a bad day."

"Yes," I said, "and yesterday and the day before and-oh, go away!"

"Did it hurt? " she inquired.

"Did what hurt?" I was exasperated with her, with myself.

"When she died?"

"Of course it hurt!" I snapped, misunderstanding, wrapped up in myself. I strode off.

A month or so after that, when I next went to the beach, she wasn't there. Feeling guilty, ashamed and admitting to myself I missed her, I went up to the cottage after my walk and knocked at the door. 

A drawn looking young woman with honey-colored hair opened the door.

"Hello," I said. "I'm Robert Peterson.  I missed your little girl today and wondered where she was."

"Oh yes, Mr. Peterson, please come in.  Wendy spoke of you so much.I'm afraid I allowed her to bother you.  If she was a nuisance, please, accept my apologies."

"Not at all-she's a delightful child," I said, suddenly realizing that I meant what I had just said.

"Wendy died last week, Mr. Peterson.  She had leukemia.  Maybe she didn't tell you."

Struck dumb, I groped for a chair.  I had to catch my breath.

"She loved this beach; so when she asked to come, we couldn't say no.

She seemed so much better here and had a lot of what she called happy days. But the last few weeks, she declined rapidly...Her voice faltered, "She left something for you ... if only I can find it. Could you wait a moment while I look?"

I nodded stupidly, my mind racing for something, to say to this lovely young woman. She handed me a smeared envelope, with MR. P printed in bold childish letters.  Inside was a drawing in bright crayon hues- a yellow beach, a blue sea, and a brown bird.  Underneath was carefully printed:

A SANDPIPER TO BRING YOU JOY

Tears welled up in my eyes and a heart that had almost forgotten to love opened wide. I took Wendy's mother in my arms.  "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," I muttered over and over, and we wept together.

The precious little picture is framed now and hangs in my study.

Six words - one for each year of her life that speak to me of harmony, courage, and undemanding love.  A gift from a child with sea-blue eyes and hair the color of sand - who taught me the gift of love.

NOTE:
This is a true story sent out by Robert Peterson.  It serves as a reminder to all of us that we need to take time to enjoy living and life and each other.  "The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less."  Life is so complicated, the hustle and bustle of everyday traumas can make us lose focus about what is truly important
or what is only a monetary set back or crisis. This weekend, be sure to give your loved ones an extra hug, and by all means, take a moment ..even if it is  only ten seconds, to stop and smell the roses.

This comes from someone's heart, and is shared with many and now I share it with you.

May God Bless everyone that receives this!

There are NO coincidences!  Everything that happens to us happens for a reason. Never brush aside anyone as insignificant.

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your
penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you, except, if you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks
about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for
it." A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic
evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure
Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

"Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..."

"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at
the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cashfor that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me,it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.

"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

"Go get help." he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your
snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she
arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

And my personal favorite. . . . . . .

She picked out some shoes that she fancied, and she sat down to try them on. The shoe salesman rushed to help her. As he was slipping a pair of high heels on her feet, he looked up her skirt and noticed that she wasn't wearing underwear.

This made him extremely horny, and he just couldn't help himself.

He said to her, "I want to fill your pussy up with ice cream and eat it out."

The woman became flustered and quickly left the store. When her husband came home that night, she told him what had happened.

He had three things to say.

"First of all, you don't need to be buying anymore shoes. You already have a hundred pairs in your closet."

"Second, you shouldn't be going around with no underwear on. It's cold outside.".

The perfect man is gentle Never cruel or mean.

He has a beautiful smile and keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children and will raise them by your side.

He will be a good fathera s well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking, cleaning and vacuuming too.

He'll do anything in his power to convey his feelings of love on to you.

The perfect man is sweet writing poetry from your name.

He's a best friend to your mother and kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry or hurt you in any way.

To hell with this endless poem.

How to Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.

3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach soas to complain about how fat you're getting.

4. Turn on hot water only.

5. Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the steam.

6. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.

10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake bodywash.

11. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been EATING your ginger nut and java cake bodywash.

12. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).

13. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.

14. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.

15. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
16. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country
.
******************************
How to Shower Like a Man:

1. Sit on the edge of the bed and take off the underwear you've walking around the house in all morning. Leave them on the floor.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flash her.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Pat your beer belly with affection as if it was a great achievement. Suckin your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)

4. Turn on the water.

5. Check for pecs again. (Still no.)

6. Get in the shower.

7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)

8. Spend 5 minutes soaping your body and rinse.

9. Spend 15 minutes washing your crotch and surrounding area.

10. Wash your rear end.

11. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.

12. Make a shampoo mohawk.

13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror, giggle.

14. Pee.

15. Repeat #9, because it felt good.

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.

17. Pick up the towel and sniff it. If it smells okay, go ahead and dry off with it. If it doesn't smell okay, holler to your wife to find you a clean one.

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"

The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

Women's English:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever thinkabout?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I Heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.

The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

**********

Men's English:

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to haves sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex withyou.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!"
You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!"
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin'dress and let's go home!

Suddenly the woman jumps up and starts yelling, "something just flew into my vagina!

Do something!"

The husband rushes her to a local hospital where an x-ray is performed on her.

A few minutes later her doctor comes back with the results. "Mrs. Davis, apparently a wasp flew into you, but fear not, there is a simple solution."

He discusses it quietly with the husband, "all you do is rub some honey on the head of your penis, insert it and as soon as you feel the wasp yank your penis out and the wasp should fly out."

Due to the stressful situation, the husband could not get hard.

So the doctor said, "Due to the circumstances, why don't I do the deed?"

After disussing the matter, the couple agreed that there is no other choice.

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself inthe head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed totry, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried
his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"