When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off, "Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish, and I'll keep last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "it's the least I can do."

"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife. "Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife agreed.

The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old is you husband, anyway?"

"Twenty-five," said the wife.

Money doesn't bring you happiness,
but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong,
but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with,
but they make great ancestors.

Be careful what rut you choose.
You may be in it the rest of your life.

The trouble with bucket seats is that
not everybody has the same size bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall,
you can bet you're in a public rest room.

Opportunities always look bigger
going than coming.

The real reason you can't take it with you
is that it goes before you do.

Junk is something you throw away
three weeks before you need it.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home,
even if you wish they were.

A closed mouth
gathers no feet.

A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong
has found someone to blame it on.

A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday
with a television on the blink.

The world is full of willing people:
some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Money isn't everything...
there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

Some people are like blisters.
They don't show up until the work is done.

A true friend is one that lets his grass grow
as tall as his neighbor's.

A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult
while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If you don't know where you're going,
you're never lost.

A few minutes later they drove past a train and the little boy said, "Look grandpa choo choo." And the grandpa said, "What did I tell you. You have to talk like a big boy now. That's a train." "Okay grandpa, train."

Tom sat down, and a few minutes later, he saw a funeral procession heading his way.

First came a hearse, then a man crying his eyes out, next is a German Shepherd, and last is a single file line of men.

Tom was curious so he walked up to the man who's crying and asked, "Who died?" The man replied, "My wife."

Can you imagine working for an organization that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse

*7 have been arrested for fraud

*19 have been accused of writing bad checks

*117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

*3 have done time for assault

*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

*8 have been arrested for shoplifting

*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

When the kids come back to school the next day, the teacher says, "All Right, Susie, stand up and tell us what your father does for a living."

Susie , gets up and says, "My daddy's a fireman."

The teacher says, Good, Now billy, please tell us what your father does for a living."

So, Billy stands up and says, "My dad is a policeman."

"Very good, " says the teacher. So this goes on and on until it finally gets to Ernie.

When its Ernie turn he says, My father eats light bulbs."

The teacher says, "What? Your father eats light bulbs."

'Yeah," says Ernie defensively, .

"Ernie, what makes you think that?" asks the teacher.

"Well," says Ernie, "last night, before I went to sleep, I passed my parents bedroom
and I heard my father say, 'Hey,turn out the light and I'll eat it.' "

1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about inthe last time management course you sent me to."

4. "I was working smarter, not harder."

5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

9. "I'm in the management training program."

10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination ExercisePlan' (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you (boss)made me attend."

11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when Idreamed about work!"12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

13. "The coffee machine is broke...."

14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wearoff!"

16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting. (Next, I watch the Walton's)"

18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lenses without using my hands."

20. "The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."

One day, the General Fly sent three soldier flies on an important mission.

He sent them on a mission to explore a Womens body.

One Fly went in the ear, one Fly went in the nose and one Fly went in the Pussy.

One week later they go back to the General,

The General asks the first fly how he slept, "Oh just fine I slept on some comfy waxy stuff."

The General asks the second fly how he slept, "Oh just fine I slept on some comfy slimey stuff."

The General gets to the last fly and the last Fly looks very tired, with pockets under his eyes."What happened to you, didn't you sleep at all?"

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: You wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: You're daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend

When he tells the doctor about his problem, the psychiatrist says, "You know I had a case similar to yours just a few months ago. A man wanted to put his hand on a hot stove."

"What happeded? " Asked the man.

The patient did puthis hand on a hot stove," says the psychiatrist, " and he burned himself. But after that he never had the desire to do that again. So my advice to you would be: If you have the feeling to put your penis into the pickle slicer then follow your impulse and try it."

"All right,' says the man and he leaves.

When the man comes back for his next appointment, the doctor asks him if he followed his advice.

"Yes, I did,"says the man, "I stuck my penis into the pickle slicer."

"and," asks the psychiatrist, "what happened."

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

45-year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police,Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic
would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrantbecause a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocketand laughed so hard he required a five- minute recess to compose himself.

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They
misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your fucking head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, " - if I'd been the one that was there." The jury
took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer's asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was acover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door,I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

1. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

3. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?

4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

5. How do a fool and his money GET together?

6. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?

7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?

8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work
station?
9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

12. If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?

13. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

15. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

16. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

17. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

19. What year did Jesus think it was?

20. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

23. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?

24. After Eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

25. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

26. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?

27. How come there aren't B batteries?

28. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?

29. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?

30. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?

31. Is a metaphor like a simile?

32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

33. How do I set my laser printer on stun?

34. How is it possible to have a civil war?

35. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

36. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

37. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

38. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

39. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

40. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

41. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

42. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?

43. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

44. How can there be self-help "groups"?

47. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

45. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?

46. How do you throw away a garbage can?

47. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

48. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

49. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them.

50. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

51. If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers?

52. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

53. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

54. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

55. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?

56. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

57. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong?

58. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

59. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

60. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

61. How do you remove a club soda stain?

62. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?

63. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you, swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

He notices the mansitting next to him is looking into a box. After a while, his curiosity gets the best of him, so he leans over and looks into the box. Inside is a miniature man playing a miniature piano "... that's amazing, where did you get it?", he asked. His barmate answers, "This is my wish. There's a genie out back in the alley and he is granting wishes."

The guy finds this hard to believe, so he walks out back to the alley, and to his surprise, there is a genie. The genie asks him what he would like to have for a wish, and the guy answers, "I would like to have a million bucks!" Then suddenly, there are a million ducks flying around his head, quacking and flappingtheir wings.