The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and
the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the
best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another
glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her todrink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and
takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss
in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will
drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and
when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P)= PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they are there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles FUNNY.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself,"Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Colorado Springs:

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways outof this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

A frequent line used at the end of a flight is, "Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!"

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please, do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, one of the most bone jarring I've experienced; The steward came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight
attendants fault.......it was the asphalt!"

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. "Her response...click.

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England From Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I doublechecked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 74.7 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

They knocked on the door and the farmer came up.

"Can we stay here tonight, sir? We are tired and hungary and need some place to sleep."

The farmer replied, "If you want to stay here, you must have sex with my daughter."

A fat 18-year old daughter walks down the stairs. One man replied,

"Na, I'd rather stay out here in the snow and cold."

The other man said, "Yeah, I guess I'll do it." After a well-cooked and hardy meal, he put a ear of corn in his pocket.

The farmer said to him, "Now you must go up and have sex with my daughter."

He walked in the bedroom and saw the farmer's daughter laying on the bed naked.

"Do you mind if I blindfold you? It's a lot more fun!" he said.

"Sure!" she exclaimed.

So he blindfolded her, took out the corn, and used the corn in place of his dick. When he was done and she was satisfied, he threw the corn out the window.

That night he slept the best he had slept in a long time. He came downstairs, thanked the farmer, and walked out the door.

Fathers day sale: Tampax Tampons $5.99

One man, Seven woman hot tub -- $850/offer

Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days.

Free puppies...part German Shepherd; part dog.

Two wire mesh butchering gloves, One 5-finger, One 3-finger, pair: $15

Tickle Me Elmo Doll. New in box. Hardly tickled. $700

Black face cows, calves...also 1 gay bull for sale.

'83 Toyota hunchback...$2000

Valentines Day Sale: ty-d-bol blue toss-ins

Do something special for your valentine.. have your septic tank pumped.

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel...1/2 sneaky neighbor dog.<----HAHAHAHA!!!!

Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.

Soft and genital bath tissues or facial tissue - 89 cents

German shephard. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free. Make a mint on this one!! LOL

Full sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Free 1 can of pork and beans with purchase of 3 Bedroom 2 bath home.

For sale: Lee Majors (6 million dollar man) - $50

Charmin Ultra Bathroom Tissue -- boneless

Nordic track $300 - hardly used - call Chubbie at:

Bill's septic cleaning - 'we haul American made products' <---Not much business there!!!!!

Shakespeare's Pizza - free chopsticks

Hummels - largest selection ever - 'if it's in stock, we have it!'

Get a Little John - the traveling urinal - holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.

President's Choice - cow manure - Two 33 lb bags - $5

Harrisburg postal employees gun club

Georgia peaches - California grown - 89 cents lb.

For rent - vibrator - well used *eeeeeeeeeeesh!!* won't touch that with a ten foot pole! (pardon the pun!!)

Cute kitten for sale, Two cents or best offer

Whirlpool built in oven -- frost free!

Barbie country ride -- (note: most dolls cannot pedal the bike).

'93 Pontiac Lemons - low miles

Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat. <----mmmm....fur balls! hehehe

Frozen soft and gentle bath tissue - 4 rolls 99 cents

American flag - 60 stars - pole included - $100 <----??????

Kittens 8 weeks old - seeking good Christian home.

Found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out awhile...better be a reward.

The most romantic love songs of the '50s: including '16 tons' by Tennessee Ernie Ford

Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer - $300.

Lawyer says client is not that guilty.

Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember.

Exercise equipment queen size mattress and box spring - $175.

Our sofa seats the whole mob - and it's made of 100% Italian leather.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

So Satan takes Bill down a hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Bill Gates being burned at the stake. "No," Bill balks, "I can't do that for all eternity." "Fair enough," replies Satan.

Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second door. Inside is Rush Limbaugh being pulled apart on The Rack. "No,"Bill again balks. "I can't do that for all of eternity, either."

Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being heldup to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him a blow job. Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me."

Satan walks into the room and kicks Monica and shouts, "Get up Monica, and get out.. Your replacement's here"

A guy buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00 + in
monthly payments.

He's pretty proud of this rig, and gets a hold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride.

They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two atomic brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the ice. They want to make some kind of a natural landing to attract ducks--something the decoys will float on. Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks, a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse.

To their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting, and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion, and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphsback when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet black lab (used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high
rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice--all to the woe of the two idiots who are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the heck to do now?! The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms, yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked. Finally one of the guys decides to think, something that neither had one before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a black lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time thedog, still standing, became REALLY confused and of course scared. TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds?
Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars, the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice. BOOM!! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces.

The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."

The candidate
leaves.

The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell....

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal
desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness"

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.

"Yes, madam?", answers the butler.

"Charles, take off my dress."

"Yes, madam," he says, and removes the dress.

"Charles, take off my bra."

"Yes, madam," he says, and he takes off her bra.

"Now, Charles, take off my shoes and stockings."

"Yes, madam'" and he takes off her soes and stockings.