Usenet is a wonderful source of humor. The following are just a few items culled from various usenet groups. You may have seen some, then again...

Top 10 sexually tilted lines from Star Wars:

1. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts kid.

2. Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough.

3. Look at the size of that thing!

4. Sorry about the mess...

5. You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought!

6. Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper.

7. You've got something jammed in here real good.

8. Put that thing away before you get us all killed.

9. Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?

10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!

Top 10 Sexually tilted lines from the Empire Strikes Back

1. And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.

2. Possible he came through the south entrance.

3. I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that
huh kid.

4. Hurry up, Golden-rod!

5. That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual for a while.

6. But now we must eat. Come, good food, Come...

7. Control, control. You must learn control!

8. There's an awful lot of moisture in here.

9. Size matters not, judge me by my size do you?

10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.

Top 10 sexually tilted lines from Return of the Jedi

1. Rise, my friend.

2. Open the back door.

3. Hey, point that thing somewhere else.

4. Its just a dead animal.

5. Not bad for a little furball.

6. Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat.

7. How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming.

8. Keep on that one, I'll take these two.

9. I want you to take her. I mean it, take her.

10. I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they made her Chewie.

---

We interupt this revision to bring you an important announcement:

I was sat on the toilet just now when I read something which I found
very amusing. I do not know why and apologise for any 'blank looks'
suffered as a consequence. Anyway, straight from the bog roll wrapper,
here it is:

KittenSoft is a totaly
new type of luxurious
bathroom tissue.
Every sheet is
held together
with hundreds
of tiny "dimples"
offering you luxury that you
can see and feel. KittenSoft
is dimply, KittenSoft is soft
and gentle, KittenSoft
is strong...and with
KittenSoft the layers
won't seperate.
KittenSoft has been specially
developed to be our most
luxurious bathroom tissue
ever by giving you
"Deep Down Dimple
Softness"

I feel compelled to write a letter to KittenSoft (Customer relations
Manager, Dept KSFT, FREEPOST, Jamont UK LTD, 43-51 Lowlands Road,
Harrow, Middlesex HA1 3BR.) it would read, approx. thus:

Dear sir/madam
I recently purchased your new toilet tissue. I was very excited
about getting it as the packaging promised "Deep Down Dimple Softness"!
I was also attracted by the name "KittenSoft", 'nice' I thought. Well
I'm writing to complain at the complete lack of research that went into
this product. I've been wiping my arse with dimply kittens for years and
not once have I had a single complaint (bar a few scratches) so I was
appaled to find that your toilet tissue was in no way anything close to
as soft as a kitten. And it DID seperate (kittens never do) unlike it
stated on the packaging. KittenSoft? ARSE more like!
yours sinserely,
some silly arsewipe.

---

Subject: DVD Alliance announces "Enhanced Cinema Disc Standard"
From: Jonathan Burk
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.movie-going, rec.arts.movies.tech, alt.video.dvd

Putting the "Theater" in "Home Theater"

Staff Technology Reports

(Los Angeles) - In response to increasing consumer demand, improvements
have been made to the DVD format to accommodate new and exciting
features. While the home can provide a similar experience to movie
going, consumers have striven for a sense of "realism" that was
otherwise lacking in a home theater. These improvements, consisting of
slight alterations to the audio and video, will be user selectable, and
will consist of the following. These events will occur randomly, so as
to affect greater realism:

-Shortly after the film starts, a loud, middle aged couple will noisily
find their way to the two vacant seats right next to you. Audion labs
"Spatialasm(tm)" technology will be employed for precise placement
immediately to your right. One member of the couple will use a loud
hushed voice to recap the first 5 minutes of the film for everyone in
the room.

-"LaughTrack(tm)" data triggers will trigger belly laughs from the rear
channels at all jokes in the film; algorithmic coding will increase the
level of these laughs in direct correlation to how stupid the joke was.

- Level detecting technology will trigger coughing, sneezing, and
popcorn chewing during all quiet or emotionally significant portions of
the movie (The ECDS enhanced "Contact" is sure to sell out). At the
climax of the film, a hi fidelity sample of someone in the back row
dropping a 6 pound bag of M&M's will be triggered. For the next three
to four minutes, the hard candies will roll from the rear of the theater
to the front. For especially long movies, the event will later be
repeated with a Coke bottle.

-For movies with subtitles, a loud voice will read the subtitles in a
hushed voice.

- Movies employing ECDS functions will disable the Stop and Pause
functions on the player. For DIVX discs, you will have to interact with
a "Multimedia" assistant theater manager to beg for a refund should you
not finish the movie. To approximate the true life experience, this
program will run on an 8 bit processor for reduced speed and AI, and
have no knowledge of the system or what you are trying to do.

-All G rated films will include repeated yell's of various phrases,
chosen from a random phrase generator. "I have to go potty" and "That's
a bad guy" will be the most common. Special edition discs will allow
you to enjoy various explanations of the plot and character motivations
by parent's to children.

-Video functions supported will include the "Laser Spot Generator" to
simulate a laser pointer, and "Shadow Casting" to approximate a head in
the middle of the screen. Size and location of the head will be
determined after the movie has started.

-When the credits roll, the sound of a half dozen ushers cleaning the
theater will pan in the surrounds, slowly overwhelming the exit music.

-On players bearing the ECDS symbol, the movie will randomly stop to
simulate brain wrap or film tearing. The player will then be inoperable
for three hours, with on screen displays promising the movie wills start
"in a few minutes".

Future additions to the system will support random image cropping and
framing, with image spill over into the masking. One or two red
washouts will be included for "Exit" sign simulation.

In discussing the system, Bill Varna, president of ECDS says,
"Technology has dehumanized the home theater experience to a point of
sterility. We are trying to put more life into the movie, and more
movie into the lives of our customers. We've received positive response
from the studios on this."

But not all may be as rosy as it seems. Studio executives we contacted
retracted their initial enthusiasm, saying they were just excited about
being able to release catalog product in a new format. With foley and
production costs figured into the equation, profits may turn out to be
harder to come by.

So is this were we're headed? Ghost parents reading Greedo's subtitles
as you watch "Star Wars" by yourself? A crowded theater of pre-teens
screaming "don't go in there" for "Scream"? In the words of one
executive, "THX puts the system in the home. ECDS puts the theater in
the system. Together, you have another night at the movies!"

---

Subject: Re: Alt.Gothic.Dorm.Room
From: Xandraius
Newsgroups: alt.gothic

Chijin wrote:
>
> Xandraius - The Black Drake wrote in article :
>
> My curiousity, which will someday be the death of me, requires me to ask,
> "what was the night of the vaseline sponges?!!"
> Sounds like fun!<8D

I had hoped someone would ask...

After a long week of six of annoying dorm people who do not believe
in little common courtesies such as hygeine, quiet-while-asleep, and
other assorted things, I had suffered enough. A quick trip to the local
"HardWareHouseDepot" place got me big sponges... lots and lots of big
sponges. I then went to WallyMart and picked up lots of Vaseline...
enough to (I'm just guessing) sodomize a pachyderm. Next, I managed to
make some very funky smoke bombs from some model rocket engines (Open
'em up, empty 'em out...).

After a particularly LONG annoying night, they all started to drop
off. Finally... quiet. Out I slipped, wearing those cheap, ugly, yellow
dishwashing gloves. Dozens of sponges. Coated in Vaseline. Hallway.
Under doors. Bathroom. Everywhere. A cornucopia of lubrcated sponges.
Next was to plug all available drains in all water sources. Turn *ON*
said water sources. Start lighting smoke bombs (looked like the scene in
'Fast Times at Ridgemont High' when they get out of the van). Smoke,
glorious thick, choking, acrid smoke... EVERYWHERE! Worlds biggest
'bong-hit'... and the water is filling the hallway... and the sponges...
which have enough Vaseline on them to make 'em dangerous, but not enough
to keep water out... floor starts flooding.. I went to bed.

The first bars of my symphony were smoke alarms, and beauteous it
was. Next were the groggy shouts and yells. Doors opening. The next
movement of this little piece was akin to the '1812 Overture' as I would
hear constant "What the fuck?!" ::slip.. *BOOM*:: and the sound of
bodies hitting the floor.. which was getting about two inches by now.
All of these college-genius boyz, and no one turned off the water. About
the time I was drifting off (Top bunk, all of my shit on shelves anyway,
no problems with water) and the fire department along with allll of the
'Officer Roscoe P. Coaltrain' campus cops showed up. What a farking
circus!

A man and woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. The man proposed and the woman accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a babys. He said that he loved her and that her measurements did not matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size did not matter.

Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.

'Don't worry honey' he said. She took off her nightie and her breasts were the smallest that he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.

As he took off his pants the new bride exclaimed, 'Good God Almighty. I thought you said you penis was like a baby?' 'It is,' he replied, '9 pounds and 21 inches long!'

PHYSICAL EXAM

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman,"Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replies "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalaties."

"That is correct." says the doctor. Then he begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asks

"Yes," says the woman, "You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

The clerk says, "$50."

"That's way to much. How much for that bat?"

"$5," says the clerk.

"I'll take it," the mother replies.

As he's wrapping it up he says, "How about a ball for the
bat?"

"No thanks," says the mother, "But I'll go down on you for
the mitt."

______________________

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh
shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them
out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an
older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that?
It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you,
I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well
want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells,
throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps.
Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear
while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her
knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the
woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to
sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've
paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out
of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the
train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha,
you'll get fined £200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when
the police smell your fingers."

_____________________

Two hillbillies were standing next to the track. One was brushing himself off, and bellowed to the other, "Jeeze, I don't know what kind of tobacco that dude chews, but MAN, DID YOU SEE THE JAWS ON THAT GUY?"

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

------------------
"Blood is thicker then blondes" - From the movie, Save the last Dance.

It may surprise you that this made me sad, but let me explain. Watching this part of the days festivities, I saw 21 U.S. Marines, in full dress, with rifles, deliver a 21 gun salute to the out going President. It was then I realizes what is wrong with Americas Military. They need more practice with their firearms.

Every last one of them missed.

Every day for a week, the same guy walked up to the gate and asked to see President Clinton. Each time the guard told him the same thing; "Clinton isn't the President any more!"

Finally, the guard got fed up and said, "Hey! Every day you come here and ask to see President Clinton and every day I tell you he's no longer the president.! What gives?!"

Titanic Video: $9.95
Clinton Video: $9.95

Titanic Video: over three hours long
Clinton Video: over three hours long

Titanic Video: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton Video: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic Video: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton Video: Bill is a bullshit artist

Titanic Video: Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton Video: Ditto for Bill

Titanic Video: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton Video: Ditto for Monica

Titanic Video: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton Video: Let's not go there.

Titanic Video: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton Video: Monica's forced to return her gifts

Titanic Video: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
Clinton Video: Monica doesn't remember Jack

Titanic Video: Rose goes down on a vessel full if seaman
Clinton Video: Monica..uh, never mind

Titanic Video: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton Video: Bill goes home to Hillery, Basically the same thing.

The waitress turns to Dubya and asks him, "What would you like Mr. President?"

"I'd like a quickie."

The waitress is shocked and astonished. In a huff, she exclaims, I thought you were going to bring a new era of moral recesitude to the White House! Now I see that you, like all politicians, were lying! I am sorry I ever voted for you, and storms off.