Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed" she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and they won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause
and remember what life is about. There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world.

women's language

A must-read for all men. Keywords and their meanings:

FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and
end with a huffy "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you
will get raised eyebrows and "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're welcome."

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT," when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the
"Loud Sigh," as she will only say "Nothing."

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air
waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and
fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a
couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jewshad to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our
religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

These three women were roommates. One night they all had allgone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers, and the CEO thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

He walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "I pay my employees to
work, not stand around. Here's a week's pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks round the room at the shocked expression on everyone's face and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With the market in the turmoil that it is, these mergers may not be too far fetched...

1. XEROX and WURLITZER (They're going to make reproductive organs)

2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS
(The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild)

3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER
(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)

4. W.R.GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS
(The company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

5. 3M and GOODYEAR (MMM Good)

6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE (Deere Abi)

7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL (Honey, I'm Home)

8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING (Mine All Mine)

9. 3M, JC PENNEY and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA COMPANY
(3 Penney Opera)

10. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS (Poupon Pants)

11. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN
(The new company will be called Knott Now)

12. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING
(The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)

13. NETSCAPE and YAHOO (Net n'Yahoo - the Israeli branch)

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me? The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

Definition Q&A's

What is the definition of pain?
Falling of a cliff, landing on a bike with no seat.

What is the definition of agony?
Sliding down a razor blade, using your balls as brakes, landing in a bucket of vinegar.

What is the definition of torture?
A 1 armed man hanging off of a cliff with itchy balls.

What is the definition of cramped?
Reading a playboy in steel jocks.

An elderly gentleman walks into a health club to inquire about the exercise programs, club facilities, and perks of the establishment. He walks up to the counter where he is greeted by a Herculean body builder.

"I'd like some information about the club."

"Well", says the body builder, "this is a great club. We have anumber of exercise and recreational areas for you to experience, and the fees are $5,000 per year."

"$5,000!!!!" the old man nearly passes out..

"We have a free trial period that you can take advantage of," says the body builder, "but before you enter you'll have to remove your clothes, because this is a nudist club."

The old man thinks about it for a moment, but figures, "why not."

The old man walks out to the pool area where he finds a lounge chair. He sits back and looks at all the beautiful women, naked women, all about him. The site begins to stimulate him and he develops the largest erection he has had since he was a teenager.

Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde runs over to him and jumps on his lap. She proceeds to do every imaginable sexual act with him.

An hour later the old man, sweating, breathing hard, staggers into the lobby and slaps down the $5000.

"You know," says the body builder, "you have a week to make up your mind about joining. Why are you paying now?"

The old man tells the story, "This place is great. I haven't had an experience like this in years."

Feeling good about himself, the old man walks back out to the pool area and orders a cigar. Walking back to his lounge chair, he drops the cigar.

While bending over to pick it up, he is suddenly tackled from behind by a homosexual. "Auuugh, Stop!!, Stop!!", screams the old man, but to no avail. Ten minutes later it's over.

The old man staggers back to the lobby where he demands his $5,000 back from the body builder.

"But why? A few minutes ago you were all excited about the club. What has changed your mind?"

After hearing the explanation from the old man, the body builder begs the old man to reconsider. "Think about the women you can meet. "Don't let this one incident affect your decision."

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendanceand participation at their regular meetings.

One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the towns people sat fascinated as the hypnotist with drew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....." Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor. "Shit," said the hypnotist.

Mommy takes Little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.

"What's that, Mommy?" asks Little Johnny.

"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother as she swiftly leads him away.

A week later Little Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens.

"What's that Daddy?"

"That son, is the elephant's penis."

"Mommy said it was nothing," said Little Johnny.

Seems there was this woman who was troubled with overly big pussy lips. It got to the point where they caused her great discomfort, even to walk. Finally she decided to see her doctor about her situation.

She described her problem to him and asked if there was any kind of surgery he could perform to make her back to normal.

After assurring her that he could fix the problem, she made him promise that this would never get out and no-one would know about it.

"Don't worry," he said, "this is all confidential."

She had the surgery and when she awoke in her hospital room, she noticed three beautiful red roses on her night stand.

Just then the doctor came in the room to see how she was feeling. He told her that everything went well and she should be able to go home the next day.

"Thanks doc," she said, "I feel better already. By the way, do you know who the roses are from?"

"Well," he said, "One is from me. That is something I do for all my patients.

The other one is from my wife." "I thought you were going to keep this confidential." she said.

"That's ok," the doctor told her, "I talk to my wife about all my surgeries and she sends a rose to cheer up the patient."

"Well, I guess that's ok too, but what about the third rose, who is that one from?"

A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting
a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that one time?"