One day, a blonde decided to wear her new miniskirt to work. She takes the bus to work, but on this day, she couldn't get on the bus, because her skirt was too tight.

Finally, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little bit. She tried and tried again to get on the bus, but couldn't. She reached back and unzipped it a little more. She tried as hard as she could, but still couldn't get on. She reached back and unzipped her skirt as far as it could go, but she still was not able to step onto the bus.

Finally, a man behind her picked her up and put her on the first step of the bus.

The blonde was very mad. She turned around quickly and asked him, "What gives you the right to touch me?"

The Mammogram

For years and years they told me,
"Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them
And give them monthly tests."

So I heeded all the warnings,
Protected them by law,
Guarded them oh so carefully
And always wore my bra.

After all of these precautions
My doctor found a lump
And ordered up a mammogram
To see inside the bump.

"Stand up very close," she said
As she got my boob in line,
"Just tell me if it hurts at all -
Ah, yes, there - that's fine."

She stepped upon a peddle
And I can't believe my eyes;
A plastic plate pressed down and down;
My tit was in a vise.

My skin stretched out so far
From my navel to my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner of this vicious thing
My poor defenseless tit.

It squeezed me first from up and down;
Then squeezed me side to side,
I'll bet she's never had this done
To her tender little hide.

If I had a problem when I came in
I surely don't have it now.
If there was a cyst in there
It would have popped - KERPOW!

"There, that was good." I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's do the other one."
"Lord have mercy!" I was praying.

This machine was designed by man;
Of this I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there
And see how they'd come out!

Sentences Found In Patients' Medical Charts

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The gay guy wanted to grow hair on his chest so he went to his doctor. His doctor told him to put vaseline on his chest so that his pore would unclog and the hair would grow.

That night when he was putting the vaseline on his chest his lover walked in and asked him what he was doing. He explained, "My doctor said that if I put vaseline on my chest the hair would grow."

Sentences Found In Patients' Medical Charts

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

An elderly woman went to visit her daughter, who had married about six months ago. When she came in, her daughter was completely nude, sitting on the couch.

Obviously, the mother was curious. "Sara, why are you naked?" she asked.

"This is my love dress." she explained. "Now go away I'm waiting for my husband to come home."

So when the elderly woman went back to her house, she took of all her clothes and waited for her husband to come home.

When he came in the door, he looked surprised. "Martha, what are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she said.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" Says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight. I will pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.

"Now what?" Responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeep.

A black couple were invited to a costume party. The man told the women to go out and get his costume.

When he came home, he saw the costume that his wife had bought laid out on the bed. It was a superman costume.

Upon seeing this he yelled to his wife, "Superman? A superman comstume? Have you ever heard of a black superman? Go back and get me a new costume!" A little aggrivated, she goes to get his costume.

The next day the man returns home and sees his new costume on the bed. It was a batman costume.

Apon seeing this, he yelled to his wife, "A batman costume? Have you ever heard of a black batman? Go and get me a new costume!" The wife, being furious, goes to get a new costume.

The husband returns home the next day to find a white belt, some white polka-spots, and a 2x4 of wood.

The husband, seeing this yells to his wife, "What are these for?"

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.

"Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the living room, he said, "You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me."

The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her?

"Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story.

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him.

When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conservation with her. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He is CRAZED with excitement! Here is this gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!!

"And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks.

"Well," she replies, " we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.

She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native America men who own this trait.

Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting...." the man responds.

Suddenly the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! At least tell me what your name is?"

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into
the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

A gal enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

Wife: Oh, come on.

Husband: Leave me alone!

Wife: It won't take long.

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: (Sob-Sob)

Husband: Alright, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

"One of Microsoft's tech support reps was drafted and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.

He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech rep looked at his rifle and then at the target again.

He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.

He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area:

Top 20 programers excuses

The Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs do not
work:

20. "That's weird..."

19. "It's never done that before."

18. "It worked yesterday."

17. "How is that possible?"

16. "It must be a hardware problem."

15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"

14. "There is something funky in your data."

13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"

12. "You must have the wrong version."

11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."

10. "I can't test everything!"

9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."

8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."

7. "Somebody must have changed my code."

6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"

5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?

4. "You can't use that version on your system."

3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"

2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"

And the Number One reply by programmers when their programs
don't work: