The parrot can speak really well.

The guy takes the parrot into a pub and bets everyone that the parrot can talk well.

He gets the odds of 30 to 1.

He is just about to boast about the parrot but the parrot won't talk. He is furious and goes home and yells at the parrot.

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership."He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,and a big stock portfolio."

One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

She yelled atthe boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband's home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here,he'll kill us both!" So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window.

As he began running down the street, he discovered he'd run right into the middle of a town marathon, so he ran along with the others.
Still naked, his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow overyour skin while you run."

The other runner then asked the nudeman, "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run for the drive home."

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don`t let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don`t let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don`t let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don`t let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with aurine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, ocated the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

You can't take your time, you HAVE to answer immediately. O.K.?

Let's find out just how clever you really are...Ready?

GO!!! First Question:You are participating in a race.You over take the second. What position do you finish?

NOW! See the answer below
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*Answer: If you answered that you arrived first, than you are absolutely wrong!!! Because you over take the second so you arrived second!! To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:If you overtake the last then you arrive...?
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Answer: If you answer that you arrived second last then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST!!!

The question was wrong!

Third Question:Subject: Very Very Tricky Maths, lol! Note: This riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT using paper and a pen.Try it - Take 1000
and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?
(scroll down for answer)
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Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.

So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.The first one (Dwayne) came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second (Brad) arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?

Well, during human kind there have been a lot of fascinating people.

The story begins...Around the time of Picasso's death, he meets up Jesus at the Gates of Heaven.

Jesus says, "Before we let you in, you must prove you are who you are."

Picasso replies "Sure, no problem."Picasso, a great artist, paints the most beautiful Jesus has ever seen.

"Come on in, Picasso!" replies Jesus

Next is Albert Einstein, when he dies he meets up with Jesus at the gates of heaven and again the same task is asked of him.

Einstein then shows Jesus his proof of the Theory of Relativity.

Jesus agrees that it is indeed Einstein and let's him in.

Finally, George Bush dies and gets up to Jesus.

She told the class to raise their hands if they were true Avalanche fans like her.

The children, not knowing what an Avalanche fan was, raised their hands. They too wanted to be just like the teacher, all except one little girl. She did not raise her hand.

The teacher approached her and asked, " Why aren't you an Avalanche fan? They are the best team and I love them."

The little girl responded, "I'm a New York Ranger fan." The teacher asked, " Why are you a Ranger fan?"

The little girl said, "Well, my parents are Ranger fans."The teacher, getting upset at this point, stated, "Just because your parents are Ranger fans doesn't make you one. What if your Dad was a moron and your Mom was an idiot, what would that make you?"

So she comes in the next day with her hair dyed red and says "Can I buy that t.v" and he goes "Nah  I don't sell it to BLONDES,"

So the next day she comes in with a full makeover and says,"Can I buy that t.v," and he says "Nah , I don't sell it to BLONDES."   and she says "Why do you think that I am a blonde?"

One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.

The young girl became frantic.Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously," What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl said that somepeople were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some."Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the ine.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out o fplaces that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around thebathroom.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward off evil dandruff spirits.

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

You collect dead window sill flies.

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got it's wings!"

You like cats. Especially with mayo.

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

You have a predominant fear of fabric softener

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons

Melba toast excites you.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by akoala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.

You despise the voices in your head, especially the one thatspeaks only Hindi.

You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

You like reading lists like this.

The Psychiatrist had a restraining order against you

The first to tee off was Moses. Unfortunately, when he hit theball, it fell into a nearby lake. Moses, undaunted, walks overto the lake, parts the water, and tees off from there.

Next up is Jesus. After he hits the golf ball, it also flies wayoff in the other direction into another lake. Jesus simply walksonto the water and tees off.

Finally, it's the other guy's turn. This time, the golfer hits the ball completely in the  wrong direction. It flies high into the air, bounces off an airplane, falls onto a building, rolls off, falls onto a lilypad on a lake, and gets eaten by a frog.The frog then jumps out of the lake and spits the ball out right next to the hole. Then the ball slowly but surely rolls directly into the hole. A hole in one.

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker night 4.1 and Beer bash 3.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install doses not work on this program. Can you help me?

--B. J. Clinton
To: Mr. Clinton

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by the creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings/Alimony/Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

--Tech Support