Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own
a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied
the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you
have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a
wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching
on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you
are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing
I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked
back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the
first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and
make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies,"To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure." She then asks him,"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out. There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!

As quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them...really.

Now, ARROW down (but not too fast, you might miss something)...

What is:

1+5?

2+4?

3+3?

4+2?

5+1?

Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds.

Then scroll down.

QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE!

Then arrow down.

Keep going.
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.
You're thinking of a carrot right?

If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise. Freaky, Right!

1. "The beginning of eternity,
The end of time and space,
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."

2. "I never was, am always to be,
None ever saw me, nor ever will,
And yet I am the confidence of all
Who live and breathe on this terrestrial ball."

3."At night they come without being fetched,
and by day they are lost without being stolen."

4. "Fatherless and motherless,
Born without a skin,
Spoke when it came into the world,
And never spoke again."

5. "What gets wet when drying."

6. "There was a green house.
Inside the green house there was a white house.
Inside the white house there was a red house.
Inside the red house there were a lot of black babies."

===========================================================================

ANSWERS:

1. The letter "E".

2. Tomorrow.

3. Stars.

4. A fart.

5. A towel

6. A watermelon.

One little girl raised her hand.

"Yes, Susie?"

"Well, my dog just had puppies and they are ALL Democrats."

"Wonderful!" said the teacher.

So finally the day arrived and the Democratic Senator came and the teacher said, "Susie, what did you want to tell the senator?"

"Well, my dog had puppies three weeks ago."

"And what are they?"

"They're ALL Republican!"

"Susie, you told me they were all Democrats."

Sarge answers the camels outback, the bewildered recruit walks off thinking I'm
not that horney, weeks later the recruit asks the Sarge the same question recieveing the same answer the camels outback.

"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'." said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of theagreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."

The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test."'g'day, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"

"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up,and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great memory.

The Brunette said "I was looking through my daughter's things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes."

The Redhead says "Ladies, I was looking through my daughter's things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks."

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked with salmon" God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I
shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the Earth."

"But Lord" asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

Upon examining Jack, the doctor said, "Jack, we have got to find out why everything down there is this shade of orange".

Jack was scared and agreed to sit down with the wise, old doctor.

"Jack, lets get to the bottom of this, so to speak". The doctor proceeded with the investigation. "Jack, this might be stressed related, how goes it at work"

"Fine", answered Jack." I just got a promotion and a huge raise, my boss thinks the world of me, and all my fellow employees are wonderful people."

"Ok" replied the doc, "How about any problems with your family?".

"No problems at all", Jack stated." My mom and dad are wonderful people, and I adore my two sisters and younger brother, we have no problems at all".

"OK", replied the doctor. "Are you taking any medication, or any type of drugs".

"No, nothing in the way of drugs, legal or illegal of any type",replied Jack.

The doctor also asked Jack about any pesticides he might have been around, had he traveled to a foreign country lately, had he used a different type of a soap, shampoo, or any thing at all recently.

All answers came back no.

It finally came down to Jack's relationship with women."Jack, about your sex life, have you had relations with a woman recently?", the doctor inqured.

"No", was Jack's response," I have a girlfriend, but she has pledged her virginity only when we are married. There is and has been no other woman, ever", cried Jack.

The doctor had sensed that Jack was all wound up and told him to"go on home and take it easy, but come back the next day".

The following morning, Jack was back at the doctor, and his crotch area was even a brighter orange."I told you to go home and relax", exclaimed the doctor.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrong doing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's on going and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice an undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.(We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent,hard working American. Dr. Suses:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed,
I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released e-Chicken 01, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of e-Chicken 01.

EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken. Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.

After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy" he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?'

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "You've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turn offs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some
attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular
thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh orstomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
It's good to start out slow and gentle, but move on from that. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try
talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on
.
37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?

"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!"

Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure.

Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

--First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

--Second Base- Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

--Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

--Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer
such puzzling questions and present without further ado... The Standardized Guide to the Bases!

--On Deck- Having plans for a date

--Strike-Out- Duh!!

--Walk- Kissing

--Bunt- Masturbation

--Single- Tongue kissing

--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels

--Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation

--Inside the park home run- Oral Sex

--Home Run- SEX!

--Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom

--Error- Condom breaks during sex

--Banned for life for gambling- sex without a condom

--Hall of Fame- Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

--Balk- Premature ejaculation

--Pine Tar- KY jelly

--Relief pitcher- Vibrator

--Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly

--Box Seats- Waterbed

--Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions

--Rookie- Virgin

--Minor Leagues- Under 18

--Loaded Bases- manage a trois

--Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours

--Foul tip- VD

--Three up and three down- impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old
infusion with current clarity.

OLD WAY- we um got to third base I guess and then we um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.

NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.