Things a Perfect Woman Would Say

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a three some!

5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20.Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings

.24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

Birds, Bees, & Spiders

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

Notes from An Inexperienced Chilli Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2: Arthur's After Burner Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh1t-faced from all the beer.

Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, am it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
Cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh1t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh1t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.

Poor Yank...

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own.
He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.
As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening
all three of his girls were going out on a date.
This was the first time this had occurred.
As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun,
not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said,
"Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo.
We're going to the show, is she ready to go?"
The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said,
"My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door.
The boy started off,
"Hi, my name's Chuckà --"
and the farmer shot him.

A guy walks into a bar and says, "B-b-b-beer, p-p-p-please."

The bartender gives him a beer and says rather quietly, "You know, I also had a stuttering problem until my wife started giving me oral sex daily.  I'm totally cured. Why don't you give it a shot?" 

The guy tells the bartender "Th-th-th-thanks-s-s-s," finishes his beer  and heads out the door. 

Next day, the same guy walks back in and the bartender says, "Did you give it a try?"

He nods his head yes.

"So are you cured?" 

THE ART OF ERROR

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often Achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity -- the essence of Zen:

--------------------------------
Your file was so big.

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

------------------------------------

The Website you seek

Cannot be located, but

Countless more exist.
------------------------------------

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

------------------------------------

Program aborting:

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask far too much.

---------------------------------

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

---------------------------------

Yesterday it worked.

Today it is not working.

Windows is like that.

---------------------------------

First snow, then silence.

This thousand-dollar screen dies

So beautifully.

-----------------------------------

Into a Dublin pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his  face is cut and  bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,  and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you  have something in your hand?"

Maybe the Indians had a Point!

A man walked into a drugstore and asked the man at the counter if they sold condoms.

The proprietor asked the man what kind he wanted.

The man replied, "I want the kind with insecticide on them."

The proprietor responded, "Don't you mean the kind with spermicide?"

"NO!" shouted the man, "I mean INSECTICIDE".

The proprietor asked, "Why would you want a condom with insecticide"?"

Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God to Man: "So you would love her."

But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God replies: "So she would love you."

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before creating a masterpiece.

Diamonds are a girl's best friends.

Dogs are man's best friend.

So which is the dumber sex?

Single women complain that all good men are married, while all Married women complain about their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?

MENstruation MENopause MENtal breakdown GUYnecology HIMmorrhoids

What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.

How are men like noodles? They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it.

What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike? One squeeze and they're all over you.

Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why is food better than men? Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?

They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5minutes.

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?

At least then they would get a little attention every 6 monthsor 10,000 miles, whichever came first.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.

An elderly couple went on a cruise on a ship. They had a great room with a lot of windows.

One everning the man asked his wife, "Honey, would youl ike the windows up or down?"

With that the woman took off all of her clothes and they had wonderful sex. The next night, the man again asked, "Honey up or down?"

The woman took off all of her clothes and they again had great sex!

The next night, the man asked the same question, "Up or down honey?" referring to the windows.

The wife said, "Not tonight! No way. I guess you can take me right out to the water. I dont care!" She went on and on.

The man said, "Honey, what are you talking about? The last two nights in a row I've said up or down and you took off your clothes and we had great sex!"

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

A female computer consultant is helping a smug man set up his machine.

She asks him what password he'd like to log on with.

Wanting to embarrass the woman he tells her to enter the word 'penis'.

Without saying a word, she keys in the password and almost dies laughing at the computers reply:

A woman is driving down a country road in the night time when hercar breaks down.

Luckily, she happens to be near a farm house. She asks the farmer if she could spend the night there.

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want youmessin' with my sons, Jed and Luke."

She looks through the screen door and sees two men in their twenties.

"Okay", she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.So, she went into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".

There was a young woman named Halley who was going out with a guy named Rick since eighth grade.

She was getting quite tired of Rick, and dumped him.

Rick was heartbroken, because he still loved Halley with everything he had. He couldn't find it in him to let her go.

In the fall, Halley went to university on the other side of the state.

Rick went to the small city college.

Rick missed Halley during the school year, but Halley was having the time of her life with her new boyfriend, Jon.

In desperation, Rick kept calling Halley and sending her flowers, letters, presents, and candy.

Halley grew more and more irritated with every new present she received from Rick.

Finally, Halley decided to make Rick understand that she wanted no relationship with him what -so- ever. Halley brought Jon into her dorm and set a camcorder in front of her bed. Halley and Jon had sex the whole night through, and the camcorder recorded the whole thing on video tape. Afterwards,Halley took a Polariod picture of her sucking Jon's penis. The next day, Halley mailed the Polariod photograph and the videotape to Rick.

When Rick received the package, he was estatic,but when he opened it and saw the picture and watched the video of Halley and Jon making love, Rick was crestfallen.