Confucius says...

Man who keep feet firmly on ground havet trouble putting on pants.

Confucius says...

If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Confucius says...

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius says...

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Confucius says...

Couple on 7 day honeymoon make whole week.

Confucius says...

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Confucius says...
Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.

Confucius says...

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius says...

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius says...

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

A group of people meet in a social event. The first guy introduces himself, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG." Another guy says, "What's that?" "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

The other one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK". A woman asks, "What's that?" "That means my wife and I are Dual-Income, No Kids".

As the airliner  pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual  information regarding seat belts etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back  and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take  you safely to your destination."

Joe, sitting in the 8th row thought  to himself, Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think  I better have scotch and soda.

When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said,  Is the captain a  woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is  female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I  don't know what to think of all those women up there in the  cockpit."

A woman walks into a shop that sells VERY EXPENSIVE PERSIAN RUGS.

She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today ?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?"

A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, "Gimme a beer before it starts." She gives him his beer.

About 15 minutes later, he says again, "Gimme a beer before it starts." She does.

A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.

The wife says, "Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this."

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she stands in front of the mirror, looking at herslef, asking him how she looks.

One day fresh out of the shower, she was yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion, "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day get a peice of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts a few seconds.

" Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a peice of toilet paper, standing in front of the mirror and rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"Oh, they'll grow larger over a period of years." he replied.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a peice of tiolet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"

She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"

The wealthy wife of a very successful businessman went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted, "You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them
on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay....BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?"

The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phony jewelry.

What we all really mean

What girls say . . . what they mean
------------------------------------

*Can't we just be friends?
There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine again.

*I just need some space
...without you in it

*Can you help me with my homework?
If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.

*Do I look fat in this dress?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

*No, pizza's fine
Cheap bastard

*I just do not want a boyfriend now
I just do not want (you as) a boyfriend

*I don't know; what do you want to do?
I can't believe that you have nothing planned

*Come here
My puppy does this too

*I like you but...
I don't like you

*You never listen
You never listen

*We're moving too quickly
I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend

*I'll be ready in a minute
I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.

*Oh, no, I will pay for myself
I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch

*Oh Yes! Right there
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with

*I'm just going out with the girls
We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends

*There's no one else
I am doing your brother

*Size doesn't count...
unless I want an orgasm

What guys say . . . what they mean
-----------------------------------

*It is just orange juice, try it
3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.

*She's kind of cute
I want to bang her till I am blue

*I don't know if I like her
She won't blow me

*I need you
My hand is tired

*I had her
I had (wet dreams about) her all week.

*I really want to get to know you better... so I can tell my friends about it

*How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?
Is my penis really that small?

*You're the only girl I've ever cared about .
You are the only girl who has not rejected me

*I want you back...
for tonight anyway

*We've been through so much together
If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity

*I miss you so much
I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good

*No, I do not want to dance right now
Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on

*The break-up should not start until 24 hours
I want to have sex a few more times

JACK: Hey Dan can I ask you a personal question?

DAN: It depends, how personal?

JACK: Not much. Just wondering if you keep any secrets from your wife?

DAN: Oh no. I tell my wife everything.

JACK: Really. Then let me ask you this. If you went camping in the woods. You got all drunk and passed out, and in the morning you woke up with scrapes all on your knees and hands. And coming out of your ass was a used condom! Would you tell your wife that?

DAN YELLS: Hell no!

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.

(The daughter looks puzzled.)

Mom: That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complained about splinters when they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he use sandpaper as needed, and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

365 Days of sex

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

7 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be asleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I was finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):

I think you have things a little confused.

Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in my pussy

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got your dick stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.