1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached. This is a powerful novena.

Last Chance to Make a Wish

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage ....

TWO YEAR DEGREE A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn a MA degree (Male Arts).Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for ChristmasWinter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am

EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex

MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down(Elective) (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"

ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her Just a thought for all the women out there. MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologist(poetic spelling)Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

THINGS I'VE LEARNED

For those who already have children past this age,this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN:

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house
4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

6. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

7. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

8. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

9. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

10. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

11. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

12. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

13. Super glue is forever.

14. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

15. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

16. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

17. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

18. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

19. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

20. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

21. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

22. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

23. It will however make cats dizzy.

24. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

25. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful. First grade....True story.

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "....And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand! and said, "I think he said "Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Hi:

I am a science teacher at an elementary school in
Los Angeles, California. A few of my sixth grade
students are working on a project for our 2002
Science Fair to be held May 8-9, 2002. We are
trying to see where, and how fast e-mail can travel
in a period of six weeks.

We are keeping track of how many e-mails we get
back, and what cities, states, and countries they are
coming from. We are hoping that you will be willing
to help us with our project!

There are only 2 simple steps that will help us to track this
email:

1. Please send an e-mail to the following address:
science2002fair@yahoo.com In the subject of the
e-mail please include your city, state, and country.
You do not need to include your name.
Please respond only one time

2. Please forward this e-mail to everyone on your mailing list.
We will be keeping track of the number of responses,
as well as the locations. Therefore, send them even
to people in the same town. In our science project,
we are trying to demonstrate how fast and how far
information can travel on the Internet in a six week period.

If you receive this e-mail after May 1, 2002, please
disregard it, since the project will be over.

Please read everyone. Very good information to pass on, especially to
young women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never even knew about this #77 feature!

This actually happened to one of my dearest new friend's daughter. Her daughter, Lauren, is 19yrs old and a sophomore in college. This happened to her over the Christmas/New Year's holiday break. It was the Saturday before New Year's and it was about 1PM in the afternoon.

Lauren was driving from here, Winchester, to visit a friend in Warrenton.For those of you who are familiar with the area, she was taking 50 East towards Middleburg and then was going to cut over to 66 via 17.Those of you who aren't familiar with this area - 50 East is a main road (55mph and two lanes each side with a big median separating East and West lanes), but is somewhat secluded, meaning mostly residents along the road, rather than commercial businesses. Lauren was actually following behind a state police car shortly after she left Winchester and was going just over 65mph since she was following behind him.

An UNMARKED police car pulled up behind her and put his lights on.

My friend and her husband have 4 children (highschool and college age) and have always told them never to pull over for an unmarked car on the side of the road, but rather wait until they get to a gas station, etc.

So Lauren had actually listened to her parents advice, and promptly called #77
on her cell phone to tell the dispatcher that she would not pull over right away.

She proceeded to tell the dispatcher that there were two police cars, one unmarked behind her and one marked in front of her. The dispatcher checked if there were 2 police cars where she was. There wasn't and she was connected to the policeman in front of her and he told her to keep driving, remain calm and that he had back-up already on the way. Ten mins later four cop cars surrounded her and the unmarked car behind her. One policeman went to her side and the others surrounded the car behind.

They pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground..........the man was a convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes.

Thank God Lauren listened to her parents! She was shaken up, but fine. I never knew that bit of advice, but especially for a woman alone in a car, you should not pull over for an unmarked car in a secluded area.

In fact, even a marked car after dark should follow you to a populated area.

Apparently police have to respect your right to keep going to a"safe" place. You obviously need to make some signals that you acknowledge them (i.e. put on your hazard lights) or call #77 like Lauren did. I am so thankful that my friend was just sitting at our book club meeting telling us this scary story, rather than us at her house consoling her!

TWO TRAVELING ANGELS

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.

The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room.
Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.

When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.

After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest.

When the sun came up the next morning the angelsfound the farmer and his wife in tears.

Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen?

The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused.

The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied.

"When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.

Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."

"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead.

Things aren't always what they seem."

A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

What do you think??

Conspiracy, We Must Stop This

Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection........Well, REALLY NOW ......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

I hear we are going to hit close to $3.00 a gallon by the summer.  Want gasoline prices to come down? We need to take some intelligent, united action. Phillip Hollsworth, offered this good idea:

This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain Day"
campaign that was going around last April or May! The oil companies just laughed
at that because they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves by refusing
to buy gas. It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for
them. BUT, whoever thought of this idea has come up with a plan that can really work.

Please read it and join with us!

By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $1.50 is super cheap. Me too! It is currently $1.97 for regular unleaded in my town.(California)

Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at $1.50- $1.75,we need to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control themarketplace....not sellers. With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to  take action. The only way we are going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocket book that WITHOUT hurting ourselves. How?

Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying gas. But we CAN
have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a Price war.

Here's the idea:

For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY gasoline from The two
biggest companies (which now are one), EXXON and MOBIL. If they are not selling
any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit. But to have an
impact, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon and Mobil gas buyers. It's really simple to do!! Now, don't wimp out on me at this point...keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

I am sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)... and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) ... and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers!
.
.

If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each,then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes one level further,you guessed  it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!

Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. That's all.

(If you don't understand how we can reach 300 million and all you have to do is send this to 10 people.... well, let's face it, you just aren't a mathematician. But I am... so trust me on this one.)

How long would all that take? If each of us sends this email out to ten more people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!!! I'll bet you didn't think you and I had that much potential, did you?

Acting together we can make a difference.  If this makes sense to you, please
pass this message on.

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

This is very interesting, read on......

What happens when a president gets elected in a year with a "0" (zero) at the end? Also notice it goes in increments of 20 years.

And LOOK! Year 2000 is where it lands!

1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)

1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)

1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)

1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)

1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)

1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)

1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)

1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived Assassination Attempt)

2000: George Bush (???)

And to think that we had 2 guys duking it out in the courts to be the one elected in 2000.

You might be interested in this next part.

Have a history teacher explain this ---- If they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford'.

Kennedy was shot in a car called a 'Lincoln' made by Ford.

Booth ran from the theater and was caug! ht in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials!

And here's the kicker

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

The Trouble Tree

I hired a carpenter to help me restore an old farmhouse. He had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start.

While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.

On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

THIS ONE IS WORTH SENDING ON.

NO CAFFEINE, NO BOOZE, NO PILLS...

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart
you have no prejudice against creed,
color, religion or politics,

After hearing that the state of Florida changed its opinion and let a Muslim woman have her picture on her drivers license with her face covered, I believe this is even more appropriate.

Read on, please!

This is an Editorial written by an American citizen, published in a Tampa Newspaper.

IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT.

I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans.

However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely comprised of descendants ofimmigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand.

This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity.

As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom. We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language.

Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language! "In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider
another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture. If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from.