!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!
-------------------------------

I've done a little research, and what I'vediscovered should make anyone think twice....

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread- pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
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In light of these frightening statistics,we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign,
complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

I'm going to be the best friend you ever had.

I'm going to listen to you like no one has
Even if I might be too busy.
I'm going to be there when it counts
Not this time, but every time you need it.
I'm going to be the best friend you ever had.

I'm going to be your support, lifting you up
Whether I have the strength to or not.
I'm going to treat you like it's your birthday
Not that day, but every single day of the year.
I'm going to be the best friend you ever had.

I'll listen to you
I'll offer you advice
I'll play with you
Sometimes letting you win.
I'll be there for you
When you're filled up with strife
I'll pray for you
When you're struggling in life

I'm going to be the best friend you've ever had.
This day, the next and forever...
Why?
Because that's the kind of friend you are for me.

Lunch With God:
----------------------

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of Root beer and he started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old man. He was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie.

He gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer.

Again, he smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old man, and gave him a hug. He gave him his biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face.

She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy? "He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? He's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked, "Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?"

He replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with God." However, before his son responded, he added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Embrace all equally!

Send this to people who have touched your life in a special way.

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN

by George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.

I think firewor! ks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up alr! eady.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the R everend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I believe if she has her lips on your Willie, it's sex, and this applies even if you are President of the United States.

And what the hell is going on with gas price! s... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

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TIPS FOR HARDLY WORKING!

Here are some tips for looking like you are working hard:

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then
returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.

Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. . . .Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

EVERYTHING HAPPANS FOR A REASON

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there…to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would never realize your potential, strength, will power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test limits of your soul.

Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create whom you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things. Make every day count. Appreciate everything that you possibly can, for you may never experience it again.

Talk to people whom you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold you head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create you own life and then go out and live it.

Share this with anyone whom you believe has made a difference in your life!

"If you take your eyes off your goals, all you see is obstacles."

~Author Unknown~

"May I go now?" the almost completed, eager mother asked.

"Not yet. There are essential parts and finishing touches to be added," her Maker replied.

"I look pretty good to me," she said, peering into the crystal pool at her feet.

"True, you're looking better all the time. But bear with me."

"What does a mother have to do, God, besides wash, feed, and clothe little bodies?"

God only smiled and continued working.

"What are you doing now?" the curious mother-to-be questioned.

"Tightening your anger valve. If this doesn't work, everyone is in trouble."

She watched as He reached for the container marked patience.

"And what do I need patience for?" she asked as He poured in quite a supply.

"After a week you will know, my child."

"And whatever could that be?"

"This is your bypass mechanism. It enables a mother to operate efficiently for long periods of time without compliments from her children."

"I'm sure I won't need that."

"I'm sure you will."

Then God reached for a bundle labeled insulation against loud noises.

"You can skip that," she told him. "I don't mind a little noise."

"That's nice," He said.

Seeing all the energy He was preparing to give her, she shifted uneasily from one foot to the other. "I wouldn't need all that energy in a million years."

"Little you know. You will use all of this and be begging for more before long."

"I didn't know there was so much involved in being a mother. You're not just putting me on, are you?"

"No, little mother."

With much apprehension, "Are you sure I can handle the job?"

"Quite sure...with help. I'm always available when you need me."

"I'm glad to know that. What could I possible need all these for?"

"A certain amount of pain, so that you will be fully equipped to sympathize with and minister to the needs of your children when they feel pain; tears, so that you will be able to cry with them when they are hurt; and laughter to blend with theirs for happy times."

The mother-in-waiting fidgeted while God attached yes and no buttons.

"Wouldn't it be nicer just to say yes to my children all the time?"

"Definitely not. Good mothers need to say no--and often. Say it with kindness and they will respect you for it."

"Have you equipped me with this thing called kindness, Lord?"

"I have indeed."

"And what about respect? Do I have to respect my children?"

"Absolutely."

The anxious mother tried to be patient as God installed a question answered, advice giver, get along without sleep, and a pretender not to notice.

"I know I wouldn't use one of those!" she said, as God came toward her with a let-go lever.

"Sure you will, though it's hard. This is a vital piece of equipment. Until this little lever is released, your children will not have room to grow properly, make their own decisions, or develop their own personalities."

"I guess that is important."

God stood back a few steps to appraise His work, then reached for a coat of love and wrapped it around her. "Wear this at all times, and you'll be a good mother."

Bank Account

If you had a bank that credited $86,400 to your account each morning, carried over the balance from day to day,allowed you to keep no cash in your account at the end of 24 hours, canceled out whatever partof that amount you failed to use, what would you do?

Try to spend every cent, of course!

Well, everyone does have such a bank, and its name is TIME.
Every morning it credits you with 86,400 seconds.

The next morning at the same hourit rules as lost whatever of thisyou failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance and allows no overdrafts.

If you don't use the day's deposit, the loss is yours.
There is no going back, no drawing against tomorrow.

How do you spend your daily surplus?

Best wishes for an Enormous Return on your investment Today.

One step at a time is the best way to go.

When going through life
and traveling in
the direction of
your dreams,

the best way
to get ahead
is the simplest way:
Take one step at a time.

Don't look over
your shoulder;
if you do,
you'll feel
the weight

of all your
yesterdays
upon you.
And don't worry
about what lies ahead.

By the time you get
to the bend in the road
or the crest of the hill,

you're going to be better
and stronger than
you ever were before.

Just go one step at a time,
one day at a time.

And you'll find
a rich, thankful life
you never thought
you could afford.

~by Adrian Rogers~

Juggling Your Life

Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air.
You name them - work, family, health, friends and spirit, and you're keeping all of these in the air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back.
But the other four balls: family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass.

If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same.

You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.

How?

Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others.
It is because we're different that each of us is special.

Don't set your goals too high by what other people deem important.
Only you know what is best for you.

Don't take for granted things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would life, for without them, life is meaningless.

Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living life only one day at a time, you live ALL the days of your life.

Don't give up when you have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
It is this fragile thread that binds us and hold us together.

Don't be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that we learn to be brave.
Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you are going.

Don't forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.

Don't be afraid to learn.
Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily.
Don't use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved.

Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

~"Five Balls" Author Unknown~

What's a Military Family Worth?
by Rush Limbaugh, March 11, 2002

I think the vast differences in compensation between the victims of the September 11th casualty, and those who die serving the country in uniform, are profound.

No one is really talking about it either because you just don't criticize anything having to do with September 11th.

Well, I just can't let the numbers pass by because it says something really disturbing about the entitlement mentality of this country.

If you lost a family member in the September 11th attack, you're going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.

If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct death benefit, half of which is taxable.

Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs.

If you are the surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry.

And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18.When the child hits 18, those payments come to a screeching halt.

Keep in mind that some of the people that are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it's not enough.

We also learned over the weekend that some of the victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11th families are getting.

In addition to that, some of the families of those bombed in the embassies are now asking for compensation as well.

You see where this is going, don't you?

Folks, this is part and parcel of over fifty years of entitlement politics in this country.

It's just really sad.

"Patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime."-Adlai E. Stevenson, Jr.

Every time when a pay raise comes up for the military they usually receive next to nothing of a raise.

Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle East while their families have to survive on food stamps and live in low rent housing.

However our own U.S. Congress just voted themselves a raise, and many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress one-time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per month and most are now equal to be millionaires plus.

They also do not receive Social Security on retirement because they didn't have to pay into the system.

If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out as an E-7 you may receive a pension of $1,000 per month, and the very people who placed you in harms way receive a pension of $15,000 per month.

I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and join ranks before they start cutting out benefits and lowering pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting.

I dreamed I had an interview with God.

"Come in," God said. "So, you would like to interview Me?"

"If you have the time," I said.

God smiled and said: "My time is eternity and is enough to do everything; What questions do you have in mind to ask me?"

"What surprises you most about mankind?"

God answered:

"That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.

"That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health.

"That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future.

"That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived."

God's hands took mine and we were silent for awhile and then I asked...

"As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"

God replied with a smile:

"To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved.

"To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives.

"To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. All will be judged individually on their own merits, not as a group on a comparison basis!

"To learn that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

"To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them.

"To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.

"To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings.

"To learn that money can buy everything but happiness.

"To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it totally different.

"To learn that a true friend is someone who knows everything about them...and likes them anyway.

"To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves."

I sat there for awhile enjoying the moment. I thanked Him for his time and for all that He has done for me and my family, and He replied, "Anytime. I'm here 24 hours a day. All you have to do is ask for me, and I'll answer."

America Answers

Osama Bin Laden, your time is short;
We'd rather you die, than come to court.

Why are you hiding if it was in God's name?
Your just a punk with a turban; a pathetic shame.

I have a question, about your theory and laws;
"How come you never die for the cause?"

Is it because you're a coward who counts on others?
Well here in America, we stand by our brothers.

As is usual, you failed in your mission;
If you expected pure chaos, you can keep on wishing

Americans are now focused and stronger than ever;
Your death has become our next endeavor.

What you tried to kill, doesn't live in our walls;
It's not in buildings or shopping malls.

If all of our structures came crashing down;
It would still be there, safe and sound.

Because pride and courage can't be destroyed;
Even if the towers leave a deep void.

We'll band together and fill the holes
We'll bury our dead and bless their souls.

But then our energy will focus on you;
And you'll feel the wrath of theRed, White and Blue.

THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE

Here's a quick quiz:

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America
contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or
Pulitzer prize.

5. Name the last six Academy Award winners for
Best Actor & Actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series
Winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remembers
the headliners of yesterday.
These are not second-rate achievers.
They're the best in their fields.

But the applause dies.
Awards tarnish.
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried
with their owners.

Now here's another quiz.
See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey
through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you
through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you
something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel
appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time
with.

6. Name a half dozen heroes whose stories have
inspired you.

Easier, isn't it?

So what's the lesson?

The people who make a difference in your life
aren't the ones with the most credentials,
the most money, or the most awards.
They're the ones who care.

When you have a chance,
pass this on to people
who've made a difference in your life.

I just did!

~Author Unknown~