The Best Chain Letter Ever

Hello, my name is Amber and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just ! happen to run into the next day!"

What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

Fuck them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends,and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about! what you're actually
contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's
our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening
to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in
Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead
elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per
letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.

Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

The mantra must leave your hands within 96 hours. You will get a very
pleasant surprise. This is true even if you are not superstitious.

Instructions for Life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama:

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great
risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self, respect for others,
responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke
of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct
it.

8. Spend some time alone everyday.

9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then, when you get older and think back,
you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current
situation.

14. Don't bring up the past.

15. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

16. Be gentle with the earth.

17. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

18. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for
each other exceeds your need for each other.

19. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

20. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Do not keep this message. The mantra must leave your hands within 96
hours.

You will get a very pleasant surprise (this is true even if you are not
superstitious) if you send it to:

* 0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.

* 5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.

9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.

READ ALL THE WAY TO THE END-THERE'S A TRICK TO IT.

Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

Dear Terrorists,

I am a Naval Aviator. I was born and raised on a small farm in Oklahoma. I come from a family of 5. I was raised in a middle class home and was taught my values by my mother and father.

My dad worked a series of jobs in finance and my mom took care of us kids. We were not an overly religious family but attended church most Sundays. It was a nice small Catholic Church. I was the youngest in my family. I was the first in many generations to attend college.

I have flown Naval aircraft for 16 years. For me the flying was never a life long dream or a "calling," it just happened. I needed a job and I liked the challenge.

I continue to do it today because I feel it is important to give back to a nation which has given so much to me. I do it because, although I will never be rich, my family will be comfortable. I do it because many of my friends have left for the airlines and someone has to do it.

My government has spent millions to train me to fly these multi-million dollar aircraft. I make about 70,000 dollars a year and after 20 years will be offered a pension.

I like baseball but think the players make too much money. I am in awe of firemen and policemen and what they do each day for my community. I respect my elders and always use sir or ma'am when addressing a stranger.

I'm not sure about kids these days but I think that's normal for every generation. I voted for George Bush not for his IQ but because I like him. I think I made a pretty good choice.

I tell you all this because when I come for you I want you to know me. I won't be hiding behind a woman or a child. I won't be disguised or pretending to be something I am not.

I will be in a US issue flight suit. I will be wearing standard US issue flight gear, and I will be flying a Navy aircraft clearly marked as a US warplane.

I wish we could meet up close in a small room where I could wrap my hands around your throat and slowly squeeze the life out of you but, unfortunately, you're hiding in a hole in the ground so we will have to do this a different way.

I want you to know also that I am very good at what I do. I can put a 2,000 lb weapon through a window from 10,000 feet up. I generally only fight at night so you may want to start sleeping during the day. I am not eager to die for my country but I am willing to sacrifice my life to protect it from animals like you. I will do everything in my power to ensure no civilians are hurt as I take aim at you.

My countrymen are a forgiving bunch. Many are already forgetting what you did on Sept 11th. But I will not forget and my President will not forget. I am coming. I hope you know me a little bit better, see you soon...sleep tight.

Signed ............a US Navy Pilot

THE GREATEST MATHEMATICAL PROBLEM IN THE WORLD

Moses and the people were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them. They had to be fed, and fed is what they did, according to the Quartermaster General in the Army. It was reported that Moses would have had 1500 tons of food each day.

Do you know that to bring that much food each day, two freight trains, each a mile long, would be required! Besides you must remember, they were out in the desert, so they would have to have firewood to use in cooking the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains, each a mile long just for one day.

And just think, they were forty years in transit and oh yes, they would have to have water. If only they had enough water to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000.000 gallons each day, and a freight train with tank cars, 1800 miles long, just to bring in water!

And then another thing! They had to cross the Red Sea at night. (They did?) Now, if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through. So there had to be space in the Red Sea, 3 miles wide so that they could walk 5,000 abreast to get over in one night.

But then, there is another problem. Each time they camped at the end of the day, a campground two-thirds the size of Rhode Island was required, or a total of 750 square miles long… Think of it! These spaces just for nightly camping.

Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left Egypt? I think not! You see Moses believed in God. God took care of these things for him.

Let us take courage, we have the same God. We think our problems are so big. Remember what God can do!

GETTING OLD

You know you're getting old when....

Everything hurts; and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

Your children begin to look middle aged

You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

Your mind makes contracts that your body can't meet.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 years ago today."

You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.

You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 106 around the golf course.

Your back goes out more than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.

The little old gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

Rated G

HOW DO YOU EAT YOUR OREO'S

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.

2. One bite at a time

3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the
results of each bite afterwards.

4. In little feverous nibbles.

5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).

6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the
cookie.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.

10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't
like Oreos.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing:

This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time:

You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical:

You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous Nibbles:

Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked:

Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie:

You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie:

You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside:

You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them:

Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreos:

"Hey Dad," My Son asked the other day, "what was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up."

"C'mon, seriously.  Where did you eat?" "We ate at home," I explained.

"Your Grandma cooked every day and when your Grandpa got home from work, we all sat down together at the table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I had to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, my Son was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer some serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to get my Father's permission to leave the table.

Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I had figured his system could handle it.  My parents never: wore Levi's, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country, flew in a plane or had a credit card.

In their later years they had something called a "revolving charge card" but they never actually used it.  It was only good at Sears-Roebuck Or maybe it was Sears and Roebuck.  Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice.  This was because soccer back then was just for the girls.

We actually did walk to school.  By the time you were in the 6th grade it was not cool to ride the bus unless you lived more than 4 or 5 miles from the school, even when it was raining or there was ice or snow on the ground.

Outdoor sports consisted of stickball, snowball fights, building forts, making snowmen and sliding down hills on a piece of cardboard.  No skate boards, roller blades or trail bikes.

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 12.  It was, of course, black and white, but you could buy a piece of special colored plastic to cover the screen.  The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass.  The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza.  It was a Sam's Pizza at the East end of Fruit Street in Milford.  My friend, Steve took me there to try what he called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down and plastered itself against my chin. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

Pizzas were not delivered to your house back then, but the milk was. I looked forward to winter because the cream in the milk was on top of the bottle and it would freeze and push the cap off.  Of course us kids would get up first to get the milk and eat the frozen cream before our mother could catch us.

I never had a telephone in my room.  Actually the only phone in the house was in the hallway and it was on a party line.  Before you could make a call, you had to listen in to make sure someone else wasn't already using the line.  If the line was not in use an Operator would come on and ask "number please" and you would give her the number you wanted to call.

There was no such thing as a computer or a hand held calculator. We were required o memorize the "times tables." Believe it or not, we were tested each week on our ability to perform mathematics with nothing but a pencil and paper.  We took a spelling test every day.

There was no such thing as a "social promotion." If you flunked a class, you repeated that grade the following year.  Nobody was concerned about your "self esteem." We had to actually do something praiseworthy before we were praised. 

We learned that you had to earn respect.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and most all boys delivered newspapers.  I delivered the "Milford Daily News" six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents.  On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers.  My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home
on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut on screen.  Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they just didn't do that in the movies back then. I had no idea what they did in French movies. French movies were considered dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

You never saw the Lone Ranger, Roy Rogers or anyone else actual kill someone.  The heroes back then would just shoot the gun out of the bad guys hand.  There was no blood and violence.

When you were sick, the Doctor actually came to your house.  No, I am not making this up.

Drugs were something you purchased at a pharmacy in order to cure an illness.

If we dared to "sass" our parents, or any other grown-up, we immediately found out what soap tasted like.  For more serious infractions, we learned about something called a "this hurts me more than it hurts you." I never did quite understand that one.

In those days, parents were expected to discipline their kids.  There was no interference from the government. "Social Services" or "Family Services" had not been invented (The ninth and tenth amendments to the constitution were still observed in those days.)

I must be getting old because I find myself reflecting back more and more and thinking I liked it a lot better back then.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your kids or grandchildren.  Just don't blame me if they wet themselves laughing.  Growing up today sure ain't what it used to be.

Note: Change name to Bob and Milford to The Bronx and it could be me with the exception that my Dad was the Doctor, so I was unable to prove I was sick...

Don't buy it from the MiddleEast

Re: gas
Buy Gas from Co's that don't import it from the MiddleEast!!

Every time you fill up the car, you can avoid putting more money into the coffers of Saudi Arabia.

Just buy from gas companies that don't import their oil from the Saudis. Nothing is more frustrating than the feeling that every time I fill-up the tank, I am sending my money to people who are trying to kill me, my family, and my friends. I thought it might be interesting for you to know which oil companies are the best to buy gas from.

Major companies that import Middle Eastern oil (for the period 9/1/00-8/31/01).

Shell................ 205,742,000 barrels
Chevron/Texaco....... 144,332,000 barrels
Exxon /Mobil......... 130,082,000 barrels
Marathon............. 117,740,000 barrels
Amoco................ 62,231,000 barrels

If you do the math at $30/barrel, these imports amount to over $18 BILLION!

Here are some large companies that do not import Middle Eastern oil:

Citgo 0 barrels
Sunoco 0 barrels
Conoco 0 barrels
Sinclair 0 barrels
BP/Phillips 0 barrels
Hess 0 barrels

All of this information is available from the Department of Energy and can be easily documented. Refineries located in the U.S. are required to state where they get their oil and how much they are importing. They report on a monthly basis.

Keep this list in your car; share it with friends. Stop paying for terrorism.............
But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of gas buyers. It's really simple to do!! Now, don't wimp out at this point...keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

I'm sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)... and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) .. and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth ! generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION
consumers!

If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!! .

Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people.

How long would all that take? If each of us sends this e-mail out to ten more people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!!!

Who knows!? It might be worth the try! Go for it!!

PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE

Dr. Phil gave this test on Oprah. Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. Read on, this is very interesting!

Here's something that you may find interesting psychological profile don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate. And it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends, including the one who sent it, and let
them know who you are.

The person who sent it placed their score in the subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends.

Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.

Answers are for who you are now ... not who you were in the past.

Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees.

There are only 10 simple questions, so .... grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers.

Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you're finished, forward this to everyone you know, and also send it to the person who sent this to you.

Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. Ready?? Begin..

1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon and early evening
c) late at night

2. You usually walk:
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you:
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with:
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with:
a) a big, appreciative laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering:
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted, do you ...
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie:
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are:
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6

2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1

3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1

5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2

7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4

8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1

10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

Interpretations on are as follows:

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care". You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

Our Hazardous life

Us older folks, or I guess it would be more politically correct to say "youth deprived" or "age enhanced," have lived a most dangerous but adventurous life.

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

We drank water from the garden hose, public fountains and not from a bottle.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us by cell phone or pager all day.

We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugared soda,but we were never overweight; we were always outside playing.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment and learned to try harder.

Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

That generation produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with all of it!

It's a wonder that any of our generation has survived to tell of that hazardous way of life.

Click on the link below it really is to an nfl site

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