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Author
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Topic: Computers
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-05-2007 11:31 AM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-26-2007 09:35 AM
Rated G Lorraine
A friend of mine admits she's not computer literate, so attending a one-day, new-software training session was not something she looked forward to. The day arrived, and the course wasn't going well. At the morning break, she toyed with the idea of feigning illness. However, she decided to tough it out. The instructor, sensing my friend's frustration, began to work with her. He gave some basic commands...hit "enter," "page-down," "go home". At that, my confused friend rose from her chair and left.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-03-2007 10:35 AM
Rated G George
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch himself) stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left-turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, and you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT', and then added more seats.
6. Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the roads.
7. Oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car default' warning light.
8. New seats would force every-one to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps from Rand-McNally (a subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Trying to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You would press the 'start' button to shut off the engine.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-15-2007 09:03 AM
Rated G B.B.
A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchens. When she goes downstairs, she sees that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something.
"What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?"
"It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!"
"Then what's the matter? Where there are a lot of bugs in it?"
"I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!"
"So what's wrong?"
"I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes."
"Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired.
"No, I slept perfectly well ... with my head on the backspace key."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-13-2008 05:01 PM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Jokester
Computer Women
A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER.!!!
B... WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.
C... EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.
D... SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colorful, and lots of fun!
E... INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.!!!
F... SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.
G... MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.
H... CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!
I... E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.
J... VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost everything. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-13-2008 05:06 PM
Rated PG Jokester
Virus Variants
Recently, the "Love Bug" Virus circled the globe, damaging computers in its path. There have recently been some new mutations or variations of this virus that you should be aware of.
* The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer, but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
* The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
* The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
* The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
* The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer isn't working and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.
* The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and tries to record all of its functions. And it writes rude messages to any other computer with which yours connects on any regular basis.
* The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers with which it is totally incompatible or prove generally unavailable.
* The "Deadbeat" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
>>>>>-------- The information went data way -------->
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
C:> Bad, bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
C:> File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Who's General Failure, & why's he reading my disk?
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down.
To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.
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