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Author Topic: Computers Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2005 12:39 PM                        Rated G Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 12:39 PM                        Rated G I don't wanna do the dishes I don't wanna do the wash I sprinkled clothes a week ago And now my iron is lost!! I don't wanna rattle pots I don't wanna rattle pans I see the mail light flashin' I wanna chat with friends!! Oh the tables need some dustin' and the floor could sure be mopped But I know if I get started there'll be no place to stop The closets are so full things are falling off the shelves I wish for cleaning fairies and magic little elves. They could sprinkle fairy dust and twitch their little nose The windows would be sparkling I would have no dirty clothes Oh I know that I'm just dreamin' My head is in the sky I must cook that meat that's graying and bake that apple pie The Hubby needs a bath Doggy needs attention Oh.. the other way around I mean my brain is in suspension I am runnin' round in circles I am gettin' nothin' done, I keep thinking of my web I am missing all the fun!!! Well I know I'm not addicted though I hear that all the time But I guess this stuff can wait on me Cause Today I'll Be On Line!!! Author Unknown  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 10:40 AM                        Rated G You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when.... 1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed. 2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. 4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems. 5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail. 6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer. 8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed. 9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask. 10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape. 11. Your family always knows where you are. 12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL". 13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 12:04 PM                        Rated G "While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make- up mirror to see what time it was."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 12:09 PM                        Rated G Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over 1. All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font. 2. Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use America OnLine, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!" 3. Your connection to his server is constantly refused. 4. You get a Dear John E-mai...Your name is Fred. 5. They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole. 6. She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!! 7. She tells you that she's been working a lot. You think its a professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!! 8. During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2005 03:33 PM                        Rated G This month is the 24th Anniversary of the IBM Personal Computer. Experts say it revolutionized work and made people more productive at the office. Except for the six hours a day they are e-mailing friends, surfing the internet, and playing solitaire." ~~Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2005 08:32 PM                        Rated G B.B. WONDER for YOUR WEEK: If you met your spouse on the Internet, would it be love at first site?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2005 10:27 AM                        Rated G Remember Back when... ...A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show, a window was something you hated to clean, and ram was the cousin of a goat. Meg was the name of my girlfriend, and gig was something you did on stage for money; now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes. An application was for employment, a program was a TV show, a cursor used profanity, and a keyboard was a piano. Memory was something that you lost with age, a CD was a bank account... Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file, and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while. Log on was adding wood to the fire, hard drive was a long trip on the road, a mouse pad was where a mouse lived, and a backup happened to your commode. Cut you did with a pocketknife, paste you did with glue, a web was a spider's home, and a virus was the flu. I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2005 11:37 AM                        Rated G Sam I work as a programmer developing computer software on a contract basis, and what was supposed to be a short-term project for my client stretched to almost a year. When I was at her office one day, my client started to chuckle as she scanned a report. The account to which my time is charged, External Software Development, had been misspelled and now read Eternal Software Development.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2005 11:39 AM                        Rated G Susan I asked my five-year-old nephew, Walter, if he was excited about attending kindergarten next week and told him he'd have lots of fun, and the teacher would teach him how to print. "Oh, I already know how to print, Aunt Susan," he said. "But I can't do it right now because my computer isn't hooked up to the printer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2005 11:53 AM                        Rated G The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl(control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard. "They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2005 11:53 AM                        Rated G Jewell Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rarely ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect in it's weigh My chequer tolled me sew. -- Sauce unknown  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2005 12:21 PM                        Rated G Back then... ... A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show. A window was something you hated to clean. A ram was the cousin of a goat. Meg was the name of my girlfriend. A gig was something you did on stage for money. Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. Compress was something you did to the garbage,not something you did to a file,and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while. Log on was adding wood to the fire. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. A backup happened to your commode. Cut you did with a pocketknife. Paste you did with glue. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2006 07:44 AM                        Rated G Loney How to move a computer Sometimes it becomes necessary to move your computer to a new location for whatever reason; installing/adding new hardware or just decided to move it for "easier access", for instance (note easier access in quotation marks). Whatever your reason is, this handy guide may help you alleviate some of the stress that always arises in such occasions. Keep in mind that this is a venture only to be undertaken by those who know what they're doing...and masochists. 1. Bone up on your cursing. You will need it later. 2. Pick a *good* spot to locate your computer. Don't be too picky; you will regret having started on this venture soon enough. 3. Disconnect all cables, cords, power sources, umbilical cords and plumbing. Look at the black, gray & white spaghetti mess on the floor and sob. Refer to number 1. While you're at it, it helps to focus on cursing Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for making all this possible. 4. Be sure to dust machine off, since it's been sitting for months in one spot, gathering a dust mound the size of Mt. Rainier. This is especially essential if you have asthma. 5. Now that you've picked a *good* spot, it's time to replace all the cables, cords, etc. Make sure it's in a dark, hard-to-reach location. 6. New computers have color-coded plugs and plugins to make assembly easier. This has no bearing on you since your computer is in a dark, hard-to-reach location and they're all the same color: gray. See number 1. 7. Get a flashlight. Look for new batteries for flashlight you've left in the junk drawer for months. Go to store to buy new flashlight batteries since you don't have any. Rule number 1 is coming in handy now. 8. While inserting various cords and cables, be sure to drop at least one on the floor behind the desk, where it will take a contortionist to retrieve it. 9. Find out that your printer cable is now not long enough to reach the computer (see number 1). Oh well, you didn't use it that much anyway. 10. Once you have all the cables, etc. back in place, turn computer back on. 11. Sit, puzzled why computer isn't working. 12. Plug monitor in. 13. Ponder why keyboard and mouse don't work. 14. Switch keyboard and mouse plugins. 15. Call spouse in to admire your handiwork. 16. Spouse informs you that he/she liked it better where it was, and to move it back. 17. When asked why you're banging your head on the monitor, don't reply. It would only confuse him/her.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2006 07:15 AM                        Rated G B.B. The top 10 things the Apostle Paul would have done if he had a PC 10.Download MP3s of the Righteous Brothers for entertainment while on those long and tedious missionary journeys. 9.Visit WebMD.com about that persistent pain in his flesh. 8.Include virus protection software in his list of spiritual armor. 7.Proclaim, "To live is Christ, to die is to have a 28K modem." 6.Book boat tickets using Priceline.com. 5.Email pictures of Peter eating pork to the gang back in Jerusalem. 4.Assign church officers: pastor, elder, deacon, system administrator. 3.Use decryption software to interpret tongues. 2.Describe conversion experience as the "Divine Reboot." 1.Add spam to list of cardinal sins. ~ Gary Cantwell  |  IP: Logged

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