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Author Topic: Computers Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-20-2005 07:38 AM                        Rated G Hardware Question of the Day A dealer calls in, having problems with the interrupt jumpers on a bus mouse card. After I informed this person that jumper information is on page 9 of the Mouse User's Guide, and gave the proper jumper setting, the dealer said: "Can you hold on while I give it a try?" The telephone clicked against the desk on the other end as the receiver was set down. The following conversation ensued: (in whispers) "He's right. It is on page 9." "I told you to look in the book." "I know, I know. He's still on the line. You talk to him." "I didn't call him. I didn't screw up. You talk to him." "Why don't you just hang it up. Maybe he won't notice." "Okay." Cluck. Click. Buzz (dial tone).  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-21-2005 07:34 AM                        Rated R Why the Internet Is Like a Vagina The more people use it the bigger it gets. If you play with it too much you can go blind. You wouldn't believe the things people put in there! Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish. The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" Some folks have it, some don't.Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers. Both are subject to abuse by hardware dongles.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2005 06:05 AM                        Rated G Bob in Kingston, Ontario FOR EVERYONE WHO SENDS E-MAILS, PLEASE READ VERY CAREFULLY!!!!! I HOPE THIS HELPS Please read the text below... Do you really know how to forward e-mails? 50% of us do; 50% do NOT. Do you wonder why you get viruses or junk mail? Do you hate it? Every time you forward an e-mail there is information left over from the people who got the message before you, namely their e-Mail addresses. As the messages get forwarded along, the list of addresses builds, and builds, and builds, and all it takes is for some poor individual to get a virus, and his (her) computer can send that virus to every e-mail address that has come across his computer. Or, someone can take all of those addresses and sell them or send junk mail to them in the hopes that you will go to the site and he will make five cents for each hit. That's right, all of that inconvenience over a nickel! How do you stop it? Well, there are two easy steps: 1) When you forward an e-mail, DELETE all of the other addresses that appear in the body of the message. That's right, DELETE them. Highlight them and delete them, backspace them, cut them, whatever it is you know how to do. It only takes a second. You MUST click the "Forward" button first, then you will have full editing capabilities against the body and headers of the message. If you don't click on "Forward" first, you won't be able to edit the message at all. 2) Whenever you send an e-mail to more than one person, do NOT use the To: or Cc: columns for adding e-mail address. Always use the BCC: (blind carbon copy) column for listing the e-mail addresses. This is the way that people you send to only see their own e-mail address. If you don't see your BCC: option click on where it says To: and your address list will appear. Highlight the address and choose BCC: and that's it, it's that easy. OR With outlook express you can, when in a "New Message" window click the View tab then select "all headers". Now the BCC will show as well as TO and CC When you send to BCC: in this manner, your message will automatically say "Undisclosed Recipients" in the "TO:" field of the people who receive it. So please, in the future, let's stop the junk mail and the viruses! Finally, here's an idea!!! Let's send this to everyone we know. ( but strip my address off first). This is something that SHOULD be forwarded. Hope you find the above info useful and helpful! Whatever you do, please remove my return address before you forward this email!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2005 02:50 PM                        Rated G Betsy A computer operator was heard muttering softly, "If it writes 'To err is human' once more, I'm going to cut off its electricity.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-19-2005 09:03 AM                        Rated G My twenty-four year old sister-in-law, Barbara, was surfing the Internet when she lost her connection. She tried several times to reconnect but was unsuccessful. "I can't get on the Net," she told her younger brother in dismay. "Now what am I going to do this afternoon?" "Do what we did in the old days," he suggested. "Watch television."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2005 11:36 AM                        Rated G Doctor - Engineer & Programmer ...about the doctor, engineer, and programmer who were debating what the world's oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in the removal of Adam's rib. The engineer countered that before that act, the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and heavens from nothing. The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer interjected that programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great Void, only Chaos! The programmer simply smiled and said: "Where do you think the Chaos came from?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 12:40 PM                        Rated G B.B. New At The Pearly Gates" A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St.Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees "Welcome to www.Heaven.com enter your User ID and Password to continue." He doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: "Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So he does. Up pops a screen which reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your password and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields include "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food." The man enters his name, date of birth, and favorite food and then clicks "Submit." Up pops another screen which reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the man clicks the button marked "Yes." A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends some time filling it out. Then he clicks the "Submit" button. Now he is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable; please try again later." There is a button marked "Back." He clicks it. A new page appears. It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2005 08:15 AM                        Rated G Because we had forgotten the dates for a number of our friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked. "Have you tried a wife?" he replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 12:04 PM                        Rated G "CNN is reporting that Bill Gates, the richest man in the world has received a raise from Microsoft. Gates says that he is happy about the raise and now he can finally buy that Canada he's had his eye on." --Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2005 01:56 PM                        Rated G To: ALL PERSONNEL Subject: Restroom Trip Policy In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective February 1, 1990, a RESTROOM TRIP POLICY (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employees restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20. Restroom Trip Credits can be accumulated from month to month, to a maximum of 100 credits at which point no further credits can be accumulated. Currently, the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition. During the next two weeks, each employee must provide two copies of their voice print (one normal, one under stress) to Personnel. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of January; employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period. If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to all restrooms will remain locked for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound, the roll of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If you have any questions about the new policy, please ask your supervisor.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2005 10:30 AM                        Rated G Rules For Surviving Web Addiction * I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web. * I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. * I will get dressed before noon. * I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web. * I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived. * I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web. * I will read a book I think I still remember how. * I will listen to those around me and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web. * I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for e-mail. * I will try leave the house at least once a week, whether it is necessary or not. * I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web. * I will remember I must go to bed sometime * the Web will always be there tomorrow!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2005 11:08 AM                        Rated G Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow 1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code 2. Graphics arrive via FedEx 3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection 4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later 5. Your credit card expires while ordering online 6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989 7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan" 8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump 9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them 10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2005 09:39 PM                        Rated G According to a survey in Men's Health magazine, 85 percent of men admit they surf the Internet wearing nothing but their underwear. Sixty-three percent said that's how they lost their last job.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 12:51 PM                        Rated G The 10 Commandments of E-Mail Thou shall include a clear and specific subject line. Thou shall edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter. Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2005 12:29 PM                        Rated G Am I using my computer too much? I warned my son, "You've got a heap of trouble in your shopping cart and you're one click away from check-out!" I told my daughter, "Ctrl+X your attitude young lady!" I challenged a co-worker,"If you don't believe me,just Google it!" My uncle was having a mid-life crisis and I reminded him, "Be careful-when you reformat, important files can get lost." "Even though Grandma's gone," I consoled my father, "she'll remain in our registry." When my wife reminded me to do something for the tenth time I replied, "Net congestion made it take longer to download".  |  IP: Logged

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