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Author Topic: Computers Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-18-2006 01:19 PM                        Rated G A hopeful young lady listed her requirements with a computer dating service. "I want someone who likes people, isn't too tall, prefers formal attire and enjoys water sports." The computer instantly obliged. It sent her a penguin.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2006 08:26 AM                        Rated G Andrew If Bill gates put all his money under his mattress and fell out of bed, it would take him eighteen minutes to hit the floor.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2006 10:25 AM                        Rated G B.B. E-MAIL I still recall the three-cent stamp, and phone calls for a dime, And I remember that before E-Mail I had more time, But somehow now, with anxious fingers I can't wait to see Exciting things that my Inbox has waiting there for me. I turn on my Computer, click the Icon for the Net, And when I type my password in, my E-Mail I can get. My messages sometimes are funny, and sometimes they're sad. Oft times they are informative, with news that makes me glad. Some days I laugh my head off, and some other days I grieve, But each new message seems just like a gift that I receive. I'm not confessing just how often, or how long I spend Receiving, clicking, viewing, typing messages to send; And I am sure before E-Mail, I got a lot more done. But I must still admit that NOW...I HAVE A LOT MORE FUN!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2006 06:58 AM                        Rated G B.B. Fer sell cheep: IBM spel chekker. Wurks grate  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 09:45 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A neighbor who had gone "on line" with the Internet asked my mother if she had found her way to the information highway yet. Mom, who was just learning this new technology, replied, "I'm still looking for the on-ramp, dear."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 10:02 AM                        Rated G An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress...The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"  |  IP: Logged Michael Gonzalez Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 790 From: Grand Island , NE USA Registered: Sep 2000 posted 03-08-2006 04:12 PM                     Fact: Boston Computer Museum sells chocolate bars shaped like floppy disks. Fact: Three year old kids see daddy boot his computer using a floppy to play games. Fact: Computers are warm inside...even some quite expensive computers. I don't want to talk about it.  |  IP: Logged Michael Gonzalez Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 790 From: Grand Island , NE USA Registered: Sep 2000 posted 03-08-2006 04:13 PM                     A Computer Tech Story: About a year ago, I was called out to do field service. When I got to the lady's house and was let in, the first thing I noticed was the smell of gunpowder. The second, the double barreled 12-gauge shotgun lying on the couch. Third, the big gaping hole in the side of her computer. (It was one of those Macs where the CPU and monitor are in the same housing.) I looked at her. She was a little grey haired woman, around 60 or so. Had she? Not possible. Still, I had to ask. Me: "Did you shoot...?" Customer: "Yes, I got a little mad at it. They told me I couldn't hurt it, but I think they were wrong. Can you salvage anything?" I mumbled something about not being a Mac tech and told her I would send one out as soon as I could. Then I burned rubber out of there. About a month later, my boss called me in; he had the woman on hold. She had apparently complained that I was not competent and that I had lied when I said I would send out a competent Mac tech -- or perhaps I just hadn't been able to find anyone competent working for us. I filled him in. He paused for a second, picked up the phone, and said, "Ma'am? Did you put a shotshell into your computer? ... Uh huh...I'm sorry, ma'am, we really can't...well, no.... I'll try to send one out.... Nice doing business with you...." He hung up, looked at me, and said, "You think any of our Mac techs will go?" I shook my head. "Me neither." We heard from her again last week, when my boss told me that the woman had called up to cuss me out, saying not only was I a "young whippersnapper" but also a liar, since one of our competitors had fixed her computer just fine, even fixing the little scratches and stuff on the monitor glass. That sounded fishy, so I went over and talked with the techs. After a case of canned drinks and a few bags of junk food, I wormed the whole story out of them. Apparently, about the only salvagable part was the hard drive (which the buckshot had missed), so they took it out, went out and bought a whole new computer, slapped the hard drive in, and presented it to the lady as her repaired computer -- of course charging her an arm and a leg.  |  IP: Logged Michael Gonzalez Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 790 From: Grand Island , NE USA Registered: Sep 2000 posted 03-08-2006 04:18 PM                     A client called Wednesday afternoon. Her computer was dead. All our field techs were booked for the day, so we sent one out first thing Thursday morning. The problem was gone. Next Wednesday she called again. Thursday morning the tech arrived. No problem. Next Wednesday she called again. Thursday morning the tech arrived. No problem. He brought the computer in for service. I ran the computer two days on diagnostics with no problem, and we returned the computer. Next Wednesday she called again. Thursday morning the tech arrived. No problem. The following Wednesday, we had a tech sit with her all day. At lunchtime, she watered her plants, which, in turned out, she did every Wednesday at lunch. The plant above the computer started leaking.  |  IP: Logged Michael Gonzalez Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 790 From: Grand Island , NE USA Registered: Sep 2000 posted 03-08-2006 04:21 PM                     A friend worked for a company that made IC's. Every few months, their yields would go down to about zero. Analysis of the failures showed all sorts of organic material was introduced in the process, but they couldn't figure out where. One evening, someone was working late and came into the lab. There he found the maintainence crew cooking pizza in the chip curing ovens!  |  IP: Logged Michael Gonzalez Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 790 From: Grand Island , NE USA Registered: Sep 2000 posted 03-08-2006 04:22 PM                     We sold a new Pentium to a new customer. After only a day or two it was back in the shop. She was complaining about many errors she was getting in Windows: a number of general protection faults, disk read/write errors, etc. We brought the system to our shop, ran some tests...everything checked out fine, so we sent it back. Again a call came in from her, complaining about the same errors. We ran some tests, everything was fine, and we sent the machine back. By the fourth call, we decided there must be something in her office that was causing the problems, so we asked her about microwave ovens, etc. Nothing like that was anywhere near her computer, according to her, so we sent a technician over to take a look. After five minutes on site the system worked fine. The technician removed the two dozen or so refrigerator magnets that she had been decorating her computer with.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 08:41 AM                        Rated G B.B. A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."  |  IP: Logged Michael Gonzalez Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 790 From: Grand Island , NE USA Registered: Sep 2000 posted 03-09-2006 11:42 AM                     For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "What the..." the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.  |  IP: Logged Michael Gonzalez Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 790 From: Grand Island , NE USA Registered: Sep 2000 posted 03-09-2006 11:45 AM                     I had a call from a customer who was complaining that when she typed, the wrong letters came up on the screen. After some investigation, I learned she had pried off all the letter key caps off her keyboard and rearranged them in alphabetical order. You'd think she'd have figured out the problem herself when her computer stopped working afterward.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2006 11:13 AM                        Rated G B.B. Several of us were talking computers when the conversation turned to our children and the impact computers have had on them. One of the Dads in the group said he didn't realize how much his son was into computers until he asked him to empty the kitchen trash. The son replied, "Sure Dad, I'll be glad to delete it for you."  |  IP: Logged

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