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Author Topic: Computers Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-08-2005 08:43 AM                        Rated G Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee (CSE) Customer Support Employee (CSE): May I help you? Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. CSE: What sort of trouble? Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. CSE: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? Customer: Nothing. CSE: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? Customer: How do I tell? CSE: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen? Customer: What's a sea-prompt? CSE: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type. CSE: Does your monitor have a power indicator? Customer: What's a monitor? CSE: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on? Customer: I don't know. CSE: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that? Customer: Yes, I think so. CSE: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Customer: I can't. It's dark out here. CSE: Dark? Customer: There's a power outage. CSE: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in with? Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. CSE: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. Customer: Really? Is it that bad? CSE: Yes, I'm afraid it is. Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them? CSE: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-08-2005 08:48 AM                        Rated G Top Ten Changes to Cable Television ... 10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View". 9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just wont work. 8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal. 7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled. 6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try. 5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television. 4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive. 3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again. 2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do. and the number one change.... 1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-08-2005 08:50 AM                        Rated G At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-10-2005 02:32 PM                        Rated G AOL Version 9.0 Cool features you may not be aware of: Easy tutorialhelps users get past 8.0. Pop-ups! More Pop-ups! (Oh, wait, that's actually true and it's not funny at all) Buddy List automatically includes Larry King, whether you want him or not. Identifies the best porn on the internet so you know precisely which sites to, um, avoid, Pedophiles 50% creepier. You can install this version rectally.  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 08-10-2005 04:24 PM                     Rated G Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100... 1 changes and 99 click away the error messages  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 08-10-2005 04:29 PM                     Rated G Three men in the restroom. One works for Mr. Gates (Microsoft), one for IBM and one for Linux. After they have peed, the Microsoft guy washes his hands very carefully... This does take time. He explains: "We were taught to take a lot of pride in our work." Next comes the IBM guy. He washes his hands and dries it with a cloth, using every single dry spot. He explains:" At IBM we were taught to be very economic." The Linux guy just goes out the door and says: "Linux guys don't piss on their hands!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-14-2005 05:58 AM                        Rated G Lorraine In our high-tech computer firm, Janice, who keeps track of equipment, receives numerous calls from salesmen across the United States. They all try to build a rapport with her and often waste time with stories and friendly comments. On a particularly busy day, one salesman started to tell Janice a joke. "Do you know the definition of eternity?" he asked. "Talking to a salesman?" she suggested.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2005 03:01 PM                        Rated G Dave I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said, "Outlook not so good." I said, "Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-24-2005 04:28 PM                        Rated G Pickup Lines for Geeks • Nice Set of Floppies ! • Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU. • I'd like to play on your laptop. • Need me to unzip your files? • If you were an ISP I'd dial you all day long • I'd like to boot up your PC ! • I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen. • I've got a 21 inch... (monitor) • I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video... • Your homepage or mine?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2005 02:30 PM                        Rated G HOW TO GET BETTER SERVICE ON YOUR MACHINE Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an opinion as to what is wrong; allow each person the chance to correct the problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be turned. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best, but anytime after 4PM is OK. Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is wrong. Suggestions of how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the serviceman. Hide the service history log that is found inside the machine. Make several references to the man who was here for the same problem last week. Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem. The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear that he was to arrive two days ago. Before he can answer, ask him when the machine will be back in service. The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil and pencil sharpener shavings work well. If the machine has electrical components, add staples and paper clips. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the machine before is preferred. Bad breath is a big plus. Ask again when the machine will be ready for use. Be sure that the lights are off in the room where the machine is to be repaired. A good serviceman can fix them blindfolded. Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the serviceman is looking at a schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him that the job should be swell,it took long enough. Try to talk the serviceman down on the bill. Those big companies make too much money anyway. After the serviceman has gone, call his supervisor and tell him the machine is now worse than it was before. Follow up with a letter and send a copy to the company's home office. Follow the above rules on every service call, no matter how small the problem is.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2005 02:42 PM                        Rated G I've managed to trace the essence of this story back as far as a professor in the Department of Mathematics and Computer Science at the University of Denver. ] A social worker, a minister, and a systems analyst set out one day to play a friendly game of golf. At the course, they found a long line waiting to get to the first tee. They asked the party in front of them what the problem was, and were told that a group of blind golfers was on the course ahead of them. The following conversation ensued: Social Worker: Isn't it wonderful what handicapped people can do if you just give them half a chance? Minister: It certainly is, but those golfers aren't on the course alone. The Lord helps those who help themselves. Systems Analyst: Yeah, it's neat all right, but why the hell can't they play at night?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2005 05:15 PM                        Rated G Matrimonial Specifications Looking for a Wife Hardware Requirements: Pleasant screen and chassis. Moderate size disk drives. Must come with original manufacturer write-protect tab. Must be easily interconnectable to accessories such as vacuum cleaners, ovens, brooms, washing machines, etc. Software Requirements: Compiler for IOHL (International Obedient Housewife Language) basic command subset (e.g. clean, wash, cook, "of course dear"). Single-user mode ONLY. Very-user-friendly interface. Word "no" must not appear  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2005 05:17 PM                        Rated G Looking for a Husband Hardware Requirements: Pleasant screen and durable chassis. Hard drive - no floppies! User definable sex drive. Must come certified "bug free." Top-of-the-line joystick. Software Requirements: Compiler for IOHL (International Obedient Husband Language) basic command subset (e.g. of_course_dear, yes_I_will_watch_the_kids, just_use_the_credit_card). Must be easily programmable. Single-user mode ONLY. Very-user-friendly interface.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2005 06:51 PM                        Rated G Bill Gates is building a new massive mansion, most of it underground. I guess he is doing this because he doesn't want to spend another dime on Windows. Or, perhaps, he is getting ready to throw a few stones.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2005 06:55 PM                        Rated G This big-city PC dealer bought a farm. He didn't have the faintest idea what to do first, so he went for a walk to look around. As he walked through a gate, he felt something soft under his feet, and a none-too-pleasant smell hit his nostrils. Looking down, he found he was standing right in the centre of a warm squishy, just-laid prairie-cake. A look of terror came into his eyes. "Help!" he shouted, "I'm melting!"  |  IP: Logged

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