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Author Topic: Computers Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2004 11:28 AM                        Rated R Michele Did you hear that Google is now offering free email accounts that are 500 times bigger than Yahoo's or MSN's accounts? Yep, but there is a catch: Google plans on reading your mail and then delivering ads based upon the content of the email. So if your wife sends you a note saying, "If you don't figure out a way to get your dick hard then I'm going to be forced to bone Carlos the pool boy." Then Google will include three ads in her message: one for Viagra, one for Purina dog bones, and the last for a local pool service.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:49 AM                        Rated G You just awake... your eyes are still shut Still can't quite focus.....still draggin your butt You know you need coffee......can taste that first sip You wait for the maker.....and put the mug to your lip The feeling is warm.... just what you need But you know you need more....and it's something to read The paper you say??? no...don't think so.. not it... It's much more exciting... you cant wait to "click"... You boot up your puter.......you click that icon... Can't keep from grinning.... you're really turned on! When the voice says "Welcome"...your heart skips a beat!! You know you're addicted....all the friends that you'll meet. And then you see it.......you wait with a stare.... The mail box lights up!! "you've got mail" waiting there!! OH.. what a feeling!!.... you look with delight! You hoped you'd have mail.... and you knew you were right!! So you go thru the mail..... knowing this is the "Best".. Reading this, reading that....as you go thru the rest. Some you give the "delete" key....others get your first click You know you must hurry......you gotta be quick! It is then that you hear it.... You can't wait to see Your heart gets a flutter... whose name will it be? And then there it is..... covering part of the screen The sweet little sound....Oh..you know what that means!!! "Quick mail check" you promised....you said in your mind. But you just got an IM.... and you're pressed for time! You know that you want to.... and respond you will So you stop what you're doing.. and go for the thrill! You "LOL" and "BRB", give kisses and hugs.. You type and send words... refilling your mug You give your good friend your attention and time So that quick little mail check... turns to hours online!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:50 AM                        Rated G B.B. THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING FOR AOL TO CONNECT Your taxes. Complete your Bachelor of Arts degree. Scribble "I Have No Life" on a notepad. Read War and Peace. Write a book report on it. Memorize your screen saver pattern. Spend "quality time" with your hard drive. Plan secret mission involving AOL Headquarters and a flatbed of toilet paper. Contemplate the meaning of the words "unlimited access."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2004 10:13 AM                        Rated G Ollie Q: What do you call 50,000 geeks playing Monopoly? A: Microsoft  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2004 12:41 PM                        Rated G Password A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s.. His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD ! REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 03:03 PM                        Rated G As a professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology,I taught a series of popular courses on software engineering.The program was highly competetive and difficult to get into, but one student made our decision whether to accept him quite simple. When asked to fax over his college transcript, the student told me, "Well, I would, but it's the only copy I have."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 03:09 PM                        Rated PG Sheldon Fantasy e-mail addresses we might imagine... RSimmons@SlapYourFace.net GeneSimmons@KissMyTongue.com DickCheney@ByPassOne.gov BSpears@FightThoseSluts.net H.Fleiss@ItsJustFlesh-and-Sluts.com WHouston@GetHitandPerform.com JBrown@WhupYaAndIFeelGood.net JAniston@Friends-BigDeal.com Leno@ImTheBest.com Letterman@ImTheRealBest.com Conan@ImTheBestest.com ASchwarz@illBeBack.gov Dubya@WhoWhatWhereWhenHow.gov MJackson@PleaseSaveMyNose.org Mikey@NowILickIt.com TedKoppel@ImStillAround.com TheClooney@TheyLoveMe.com BradPitt@TheyLoveMeMore.com JTravolta@GettingOlder-Damn.com PeeWee@MoviesAndFlies.net CameronDiaz@ThisIsBlondHeat.com YArafat@WhatRazorPlease.net RobertBlake@IJustLoveItaliano.net SonOfSam@SamIAm.net Dr.SeussWife@WifeIAm.net Raymond@NowSuperiorDriver.net ChauffeursGirlfriend@AlFayed.com RayRomanoAndDecentPay@YouBetYourAss.com Prince@AnybodyKnowMyNewName.com LarryKing@TheKingOfSuspenders.com TomClancy@TheKingofSuspense.com TedKennedy@TheyAintGettingMe-NoWay.gov TonyBlair@ImBetterThanTheQueen.u.k. QueenElizabethTwo@BlairShmair.u.k. RodneyD@ArrEeeEssPeeEeeCeeTee.com  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2004 05:10 AM                        Rated G Michele When my computer wasn't performing up to snuff, I took it into the shop. When I went back to pick it up, the guy said, "It was nothing serious...just a minor case of nausea - too much spam & cookies."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2004 05:26 AM                        Rated G Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks. Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee." The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?" "Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2004 10:45 AM                        Rated R Michele SON: "Daddy, how was I born? DAD: "Ah, very well, my son, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room in Yahoo. Dad set up a date via E-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from Dad's memory stick.As soon as Dad was ready for an upload,it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2004 11:46 AM                        Rated G Michele The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate- clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard. "They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 10:11 AM                        Rated G Spongemom Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2004 09:43 AM                        Rated G Michele The Top 5 Signs Your Website Was Hacked by Dumb Guys 5> "pHaNtOm" tried to disable your retail website by using his American Express platinum card to purchase your entire inventory. 4> Today's topic looks a wee bit suspicious: "DA ToP5 R33ZUNZ Y DA S1LV3R SURF3R PoSS3 RooLZ!!!!!" 3> Someone broke into your credit card database and stole 400,000 middle initials. 2> Hacked into www.Playboy.com just to read the articles. and the number 1 Sign Your Website Was Hacked by a Dumb Guy... 1> Calls himself "Dr. Evil" and demands that he will unleash an attack on the entire world and bring the internet to a screeching halt unless he receives $100 "in small bills."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2004 09:20 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A computer support specialist at a hospital, I was called back to the office one evening to handle a technical glitch. As I was getting ready to leave the house, my wife asked if I could give her friend a lift home since it was on my way. In the car, we chatted about work, and I told her why I was going back to the office. A sombre expression come over her face. "I’m sorry to hear that your server died," she said. "Had you known him long?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2004 12:47 PM                        Rated G Michele The computer company my wife works for distributed a coporate- clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard. "They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."  |  IP: Logged

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