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Author Topic: Computers Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2003 09:04 AM                        Rated G Dr. Seuss As A Technical Writer Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! You can't say this? What a shame sir! We'll find you Another game sir. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-30-2003 08:38 AM                        Rated G Michele Yet another worthless stunt made the headlines this week. DotComGuy (in reality Mitch Maddox) has just finished one whole year of being confined in his Dallas apartment, with his only contact with the outside world being the internet. All his groceries and it now turns out his new wife were ordered on-line.Twenty web cams recorded his every move and supposedly he never once ventured outside his apartment. Big freaking deal.Thousands of others have done that same shut-in stunt.Some of them for decades,without the benefit of computers,web cams, corporate sponsors and media attention. Completely on a shoestring budget and without health benefits. They're called senior citizens.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2004 08:29 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Bevererly Hillbillies Tune Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was talking to a recruiter, Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..." Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations... Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer. The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here". They said "California is the place ya oughta be", So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley... Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park... On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube. They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do. Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!" OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory... The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad. Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad. They called another meeting and decided on a fix. The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!" Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life... Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey. Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away. Waiting to retire when he turned 64, Instead he got a call and escorted out the door. Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed... Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told, Companies will use you and discard you when you're old. So gather up your friends and start your own firm, Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm. Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs... Y'all come back now... ya hear'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2004 08:44 AM                        Rated PG Michele Jill, on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer programmer sitting next to her. "Where are you going?" asks Jill. "I'm going to San Jose," says the geek, "to a UNIX convention." Later, Jill's husband picks her up at the airport. "How was the flight?" he asks. "Oh, fine," says Jill. "I sat next to this guy I felt really sorry for." "Why'd you feel sorry for him?" "He didn't have any testicles." "What?!" says the husband. "And just how did you learn *that*?" "Because," says Jill, "he said he was going to a eunuchs' convention."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 08:48 AM                        Rated G Michele Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-11-2004 04:41 PM                        Rated G WHO'S ON FIRST ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the names Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W." COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great, with what? ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue "1." COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue "1." COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not; they own it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2004 11:51 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Computer Bumper Snickers Don't make me use uppercase! A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from? Email is packaged by intellectual weight, not volume. Some settling of contents may have occurred during transmission. Murphy's best friend was a computer. The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL? The Web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2004 12:03 PM                        Rated G NASA says it will take two weeks to fix the software on the Mars Rover. Actually, it should only take 3 minutes to fix. They've budgeted the rest of the time for being on hold with Dell Technical Support. [ 01-30-2004, 10:37 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2004 03:16 PM                        Rated G Here are 16 actual error messages seen on computer screens in Japan. Aren't these better than, "your computer has performed an illegal operation?" The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will. Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2004 08:02 AM                        Rated G In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor.One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue." Curious,the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked,"What exactly is that?" The programmer replied,"They don't have all their ducks in a row."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2004 08:09 AM                        Rated G B.B. MicroSoft Windows 2004 - Improved Error Messages ERROR: Bang on LEFT side of the computer to restart Windows. ERROR: press all the keys at once to continue. ERROR: #0004 any key not found. ERROR: #0032: keyboard not responding. Use hammer (Y/n)? ERROR: #004 erroneous error. Nothing wrong. ERROR: #0040 this program will crash right before you win. ERROR: #01E timing error. Please wait. And wait. And wait. ERROR: #3032 recursion error. See error #3032. ERROR: #304 out of memory, I think. Er... Where was I? ERROR: Error reading drive A: Please insert 25 cents. ERROR: file not found. Where did you last leave it? ERROR: Illegal error. You are not allowed to get this error. ERROR: Press any key... NO, NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE!!!!!! ERROR: Recursion error: (R)etry, (R)etry, (R)etry? ERROR: (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ind 12 year old and ask?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2004 09:04 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ontario Ca This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations) "Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing? It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What is a sea prompt? "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark.." "Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window" "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power failure." "A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too damn stupid to own a computer."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2004 06:49 AM                        Rated G B.B. SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TOO LONG Your children are named Yahoo and Google. When you turn off your computer,it feels like you've just pulled the plug on your best friend's life support system. Your flight has nearly reached its destination before you realize your computer is on your lap and your child is in the overhead compartment. You can't say the word "dot" without thinking "com." You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading." You don't talk to your parents anymore because they refuse to get e-mail. AOL has stopped sending you offers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2004 12:35 PM                        Rated G B.B. An Alan Tale Because I don't have a personal computer at home,I use one at my local library. One day I urgently needed to research something, so I hastily put on my gloves and helmet and jumped on my bike to head over to the building.Dashing into the library,I sat down and started to work right away. Moments later another library patron approached me. "Excuse me," he said, staring at my head. "I've heard of computerscrashing, but this is the first time I've ever seen anybody wearing a helmet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2004 11:26 AM                        Rated G Michele 10 Ways To Know You Bought a Bad Computer 1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it. 2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy. 3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car. 4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics". 5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long. 6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. 7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?" 8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!" 9. The only chip inside is a Dorito. 10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.  |  IP: Logged

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