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Author Topic: Computers Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-26-2003 12:08 PM                        Bill Gates and the President of General Motors were having lunch. Gates puffed out his chest and bosted of the innovations his company had made. "If GM had kept up with technology the way Microsoft has, we'd all be driving $25.00 cars that get 1,000 miles per gallon" "I suposed that's true" the GM exec agreed. "But, would you reall want your car to crash twice a day?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2003 03:29 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers From a "Senior" point of view: A Computer was something on TV From a Science Fiction show of note A Window was something you hated to clean And Ram was the father of a goat. Meg was the name of a girlfriend And Gig was a job for the nights Now they all mean different things And that really Mega Bytes. An Application was for employment A Program was a TV show A Cursor used profanity A Keyboard was a piano. A Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3-inch floppy You hoped nobody found out. Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you Unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while. Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a Backup happened to your commode. Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A Web was a spider's home And a Virus was the flu. I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the Memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 08:18 PM                        Rated G The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the Windows XP: 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6. Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another ? 9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now?(Y/Y)" 10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 20. User Error: Replace user. 21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? 24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-15-2003 01:35 PM                        Rated G Lorraine FACTS OF COMPUTER LIFE: FACT ONE:If you haven't yet today said:"I hate computers!", well, you haven't done much on one today! The logo for this lesson shows a happy smiley and a yucky smiley.That's the way you'll feel - sometimes happy all over, other times ready to throw that #$!%^$#@ computer through a brick wall! FACT TWO: Something better is just around the corner. No matter how spiffy your new hardware or software is, something spiffier is will be released soon. The computer market evolves faster than any market before even dreamed of. If you wait for the next generation to come out, the one after that will be announced.If you wait for that one, and the next one, .... you could wind up never actually buying anything! FACT THREE: The price will go down next week. This is related to Fact Two above. Devices and programs drop in price when newer ones are released.Prices also drop from competition among similar products and as manufacturing techniques improve. FACT FOUR: "All you'll ever need" is never enough. Example - You get a new hard drive with four-times the space of your nearly-full one. "All the space you'll ever need." After a year, you're getting short on space again! You got more programs and bulkier programs and saved more and larger files. What you have to store expands to meet the space available. Example - You get a new video card to run the new applications and games.It's blazingly fast with umpteen jillion colors. "Absolutely as fast as you'll ever need." Next year the new games need a card that is twice as fast, works in 3D, and requires a new motherboard because it uses a different kind of slot! FACT FIVE: Release dates are fiction. When something new is coming out that you really, really want, the release date will change and change again, but always to a later one. So don't hold your breath. Blue is not your color.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-08-2003 07:28 AM                        Rated G Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Who's on First at "The Computer Store" ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. May I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in my den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud. ABBOTT: Your computer is named "Bud"? COSTELLO: No, I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud. ABBOTT: Okay, what about Windows? COSTELLO: My den has windows. What does that have to do with my computer? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses... you know, run a business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommended something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. ABBOTT: Office for Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I use? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: I mean the Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?" ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer! Okay, let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four.Can I watch reel four? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue 1. COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W? ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne.The blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows!" ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word there is. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is the real one? ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word.RealOne isn't even part of Office... COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again.But I also need something for bank accounts,loans,and so on.What do you have to help me track my money? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money... COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get? ABBOTT: Just one copy. COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal? ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money. COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money? ABBOTT: Why not? They own it. COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: You sell money? ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us,you get it for free. COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for,you know, accounting? ABBOTT: Simply Accounting. COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated. ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for? ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business. COSTELLO: I beg your pardon? ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business.You know- accounting? You do it with money. ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need More. COSTELLO: More money? ABBOTT: No, you might need More than Money. Money can't do everything. COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Oh yes, crash.And if my computer crashes,what can I use to restore my data? ABBOTT: GoBack. COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend? ABBOTT: GoBack. COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself? ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack. COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal. ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word- the Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in... Oh, I give up! ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? He hung up! Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. May I help you?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2003 11:59 AM                        Rated G Dear Lord, Every single evening As I'm lying here in bed, This tiny little Prayer Keeps running through my head. God bless all my family Wherever they may be, Keep them warm and safe from harm For they're so close to me. And God, there is one more thing I wish that you could do, Hope you don't mind me asking Please bless my computer too. Now I know that it's unusual To Bless a motherboard, But listen just a second While I explain it to you, Lord. You see that little metal box Holds more than odds and ends, Inside those small compartments Rest so many of my friends. I know so much about them By the kindness that they give, And this little scrap of metal Takes me in to where they live. By faith is how I know them Much the same as you, We share in what life brings us And from that our friendships grew. Please take an extra minute From your duties up above, To bless those in my address book That's filled with so much love. Wherever else this prayer may reach To each and every friend, Bless each e-mail inbox And each person who hits send. AMEN  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 01:43 PM                        Rated G B.B. AM I USING MY COMPUTER TOO MUCH? I warned my son, "You've got a heap of trouble in your shopping cart and you're one click away from check-out!" I told my daughter, "Ctrl + X your attitude young lady!" I challenged a co-worker, "If you don't believe me, just Google it!" My uncle was having a mid-life crisis and I reminded him, "Be careful-when you reformat, important files can get lost." "Even though Grandma's gone," I consoled my father, "she'll remain in our registry." When my wife reminded me to do something for the tenth time I replied, "Net congestion made it take longer to download".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2003 07:34 AM                        Rated G My New Spelling Chequer Eye halve a spelling chequer, it came with my pea sea. It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say. Weather eye am wrong oar write. It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long and eye can put the error rite. Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer told me sew.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 07:34 AM                        Rated G Michele A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message:"Can't find the printer". On the phone the man said he held the printer up in front of the screen but the computer still couldn't find it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained about how hard it was to hit the buttons. She was quite embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:45 PM                        Rated G Michele This guy calls in to complain that he gets "access denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. TECH SUPPORT: "O.K., let's try once more, but use lower case letters." CUSTOMER: "Oh, but I only have capital letters on my keyboard."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 12:09 PM                        Rated G Michele My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon.He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed.After several minutes,he noticed that she was still in the same position,only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button (the ’help’ button) over twenty minutes ago!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2003 10:04 AM                        Rated G B.B. SERENE JAPANESE COMPUTER MESSAGES Here are 16 actual error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan,here some are written in Haiku.Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation"? -------------------------------------------- The Web site you seek cannot be located,but countless more exist. Chaos reigns within.Reflect,repent,and reboot.Order shall return. Program aborting:Close all that you have worked on.You ask far too much. Windows NT crashed.I am the Blue Screen of Death.No one hears your screams. Yesterday it worked.Today it is not working.Windows is like that. Your file was so big.It might be very useful.But now it is gone. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire.The network is down. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. Three things are certain:Death,taxes and lost data.Guess which has occurred? You step in the stream,but the water has moved on.This page is not here. Out of memory.We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you're seeking must now be retyped. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 06:05 AM                        Rated G Diane in Reno Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from my Boyfriend 5.0 software program version to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance,particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5,and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0,  PGA 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.  Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate RESPONSE FROM TECH SUPPORT: Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very badprogram that will create Snoring Loudly 1.0. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or install another Boyfriend program.  These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might  consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 10:14 AM                        Rated G Michele I was sitting in chat room, Feeling mildly amused, When I saw something strange, That left me all confused. Someone typed a word, (As far as I could tell) But I had never seen it. What is an LOL? Then the plot got thicker, More words I didn't know, A person started typing, The word LMAO. I sat there in amazement, I felt like a dumb toad. Could it be, these people, Were speaking in a code? That's when I looked closer. And found the subtle clue. I figured out this code And I'll share it now, with you. LOL is three little words, That seem, to me, quite shady. The words, "Lean Over Lady"? LMAO, was more obscure, It made me sweat my socks! LMAO is a command, Meaning, "Leave Me Alone, Ox!" ROFL was harder still, I found it rather sickening. It's a discreet way to say, "Ready Only For Licking!" I can't believe that AOL, Would let this code exist! To them I say, YOMSL Meaning, "You're On My SHIT List!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2003 09:22 PM                        Rated R Ed in Aurora,Ont. NEWFIE LUBRICANT ~~~~~~~ Way down in the outports of Newfoundland, Murph's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor,and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy,and the doctor looked over at Murph and said, "Hey, Murph! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!" Murph got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said "Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil thang, too...." Murph got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!" Murph said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?" The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception." Murph said, "Ah yeah, during conception" When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of dat Vaseline and we had to use dat dar 3-in-1 Oil. She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night"" Murph said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's a dam good thang we didn't use dat dar WD-40!"  |  IP: Logged

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