The Pentagon recently unveiled it's new super computer to the top brass.

This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test it's capabilities, the brass pose a tactical problem to it and then ask for a decision,"Attack or Retreat"?

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers "YES".

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replied "Yes What"?

When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms, I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork until I returned home at 5 p.m.

One day about 4:30 I decided to check up on him.Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother, and you are grounded for two weeks!"

A computer *Does* save time at work.

This quiz is dedicated to all of those people who find
themselves constantly roaming the net.

Do you leave yourself logged in twenty-four hours a day,even when you're not home?

Is your wpm typing speed higher than your IQ? Are you having trouble seeingthings at distances greater than 2 feet? Yes, YOU.

You know who you are.

Ok... shall we begin? Yes? 5 points... (you could've backed out.)

Unless otherwise stated, point values are as follows:
2 for (a),
4 for (b),
6 for (c),
and 10 for (d).
---------------------------------------------------------

1) How many valid net addresses do you have?
Multiple machines at the same site do not count.

____Internet ____UUCP ____Other public access
____Other

____Bitnet ____Freenet ____Internet BBS
____All seven

(2 points each)

2) How many hours did it take for you to create your .sig?

a) Huh?
b) More than one
c) More than five
d) I'm still looking for a really funky quote

3) On an average working day, how many email messages do you receive?

a) Nobody sends me any mail... snif
b) Three, but they're all from Lester in the next cubicle over, because he has nothing better to do
c) I can't count that high, I failed calculus
d) Don't ask me now, I'm too busy. Send me e-mail.

4) Alright, fess up. Have you ever read alt.sex.bondage just to see what the heck those perverts were talking about?

a) Yes, and I'm so ashamed
b) Yes, and I'm so embarrassed
c) Yes, and would you please explain a few things to me...
d) No, never. (10 points. You're lying.)

5) Have you ever met one of your past SO's (significant others) via a computer network?

a) No
b) Yes, through a newsgroup we both posted on
c) Yes, by chatting randomly over the Internet (shame!)
d) Yes, by chatting over RELAY

6) Once you've logged onto your system, what do you spend most of your time doing?

a) Going through the library system and putting books on reserve
b) Reading _Alice in Wonderland_ in the online bookshelf
c) Reading the monthly postings on rec.humor.funny
d) Writing up stupid quizzes because you've done everything else

7) If someone were to telephone your home at any given moment of the day, what would be the percent chance that your phone would be busy?

a) Zero... I've got call waiting
b) 25%.... I only dial in from work (Uh, hi, boss)
c) 75%.... Duh, so that's why nobody ever calls me
d) Zero... My modem has a separate phone line

8) Which usenet newsgroups do you spend the most time reading?

a) The comp. groups... because they're so informative
b) The soc. groups.... because they're so multicultural
c) The rec. groups.... because they're so diverting
d) The alt. groups.... because I don't know what half those words mean

9) What's your worst complaint about having an Internet account?

a) I have to pay $5/month for it
b) The damn sysadmins won't give me enough quota to hold all my .gif's
c) All those programmers keep tying up the modem lines
d) I have to stay in school to keep it

10) Check your watch now. What time is it?

a) 10 am... coffee break
b) 3 pm.... General Hospital's on
c) 12 am... one last login before I hit the sack
d) 4 am.... Oh my God, I've got a test tomorrow

ALRIGHT, GUYS. SCORING TIME.

0-25 points: You're not a nerd. Go read a manual or two and come back next year.

25-50 points: You're an up-and-coming Internet nerd. Why don't you telnet over to 128.6.4.8 and play around with the Quartz BBS for a while.

50-75 points: You're a full-fledged Internet nerd. Join the club.

75-100 points: You're an Internet addict. Try going to the library this week, it'll do you some good.

100+ points: You're an Internet obsessive-compulsive. Unplug your computer, go out in the woods for a few days, and relax. Lay back and listen to the birds singing. Clear your mind. And don't forget to
unsubscribe yourself from all those lists before you leave.

My neighbor works in the operations department in the Central Office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have a problem with their computers.

One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Rated G

EVERYONE WITH A COMPUTER CAN APPRECIATE THIS ONE.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.

For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.

8. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or
more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

Application to Leave AOL

This form must be filled out in triplicate and e-mailed to all the regs not less than thirty days prior to your intended departure date. Applications will be reviewed the second Tuesday of each week from 1:10-1:15 am. If you are approved for departure (which ain't gonna
happen so give it up), you will be notified by e-mail on the second Wednesday of next week.

Part A

Question 1: In no less than 5,000 word explain your reason for desiring to be released from AOL:.

Question 2: What the hell do you think you are gonna do with all the spare time you are gonna have?

Question 3: Do you honestly believe your family likes you enough to talk to you?????

Part B
Personal Information
Full Given Name:________________________________
Address_______________________________________
______________________________________________
Daytime phone__________________________________
Work phone____________________________________
Parents phone__________________________________
Neighbors phone________________________________
Strangers phone_________________________________

Age____________ SSN#_____________________
Weight_______________ Height___________________
Bra size___________________ Jock size_____________
Mothers Maiden Name_____________________________
Grandmothers Country of Origin_____________________

List Ten Names, Addresses & Phone Numbers of places that you can be reached in case of a damn "we miss you" emergency: (please list the above info in alphabetical order...indicating where you are most likely tobe at what time of day)

Fill out this form and email to all known regs for review and opinion
-----------------------------------------------
This part to be completed by regs, and returned to the silly person requesting to leave us. (make sure you file all the personal info that was given above in case they try to leave us anyway!! HeHeHeHe)

What’s the difference between women and computers ....?

~ Computer Age ~

What boots up must come down.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

Don't byte off more than you can view.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

Guy #1: "You'll never believe this. If you play an AOL 7.0
CD backwards you can hear all kinds of evil and satanic messages!"

THE ORIGIN OF THE INTERNET

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot."

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns (and drums in between the towns) to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply, telling you which hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.

And, indeed, he did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot said, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.

And, as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said,"We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!", said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com...and that is how it all began.

It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Things I have learned from reading my junk e-mail:

1. Everything is absolutely free (or only shipping & handling).

2. I can become a millionaire overnight just by clicking here.

3. Hundreds of young beautiful cheerleaders are waiting to perform any sexual acts I wish performed on me (or my pets,or my farm animals) if I just click there.

4. I can have my penis size doubled, my breasts enlarged two cup
sizes,
my age reversed by 20 to 30 years. Just click here.

5. I can buy almost anything for practically nothing if I just click here.

6. I can see lovely lesbians cavort with each other..virgins lose
their virginity in front of my eyes or famous movie starlets do it
with a hundred horny dwarfs...just click here and here.

7. I can purchase potions to enhance my sex life, restore myhair loss, make me irresistible to the opposite sex (or the same sex if preferred)..what else? click over yonder.

8. But wait..there's more...legal marijuana, sleeping pills,stay-awake pills, lose weight pills, gain weight pills....a set of
Ginzu knives...all by just clicking and clicking.

WHAT A COUNTRY........

To My Darling Husband,

I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you shouldknow what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, Handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent!

The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster made you sneeze.

The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house-keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it.

I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy,Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary