Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically,it may
need a ball replacement.Mouse balls are now available as FRU(Field
Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,replacement of mouse
balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding,determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse.Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.Domestic balls
are replaced by using the twist off method.Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.However,excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement,the mouse may be used immediately.It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in
charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

A woman called the Canon help desk because she was having aproblem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was"running it under Windows."

BEFORE COMPUTERS

Remember when...

Lorraine
Rated G Lorraine

Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, "Too bad that girls have no standard interface."

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test
system in a large publicly held company. Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.

One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a
predicament.

I looked up her password and informed her that it was'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password.

She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret.

I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she
did. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.

"Well, what does it mean?", I asked.

She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words."

There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day".

INTERNET TWELVE-STEP!

12-Step Internet Recovery Program:

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand
typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan
dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends
and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling themn to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

If Microsoft was Jewish

1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC
would get "Ferklemmt."

2. When you fill up your "C-drive," you will get a "Hard Drive is
Shtupped" message.

3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Draydles."

4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

5. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high
compression DVB's (digital video bagels).

6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - You're killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn't hear that!".

8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's toukhes."

9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!".

10. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened
floppies."

11. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz."

12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."

13. When running "ScanDisk," you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.

14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud Oy!!!".

15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmootz" on your monitor.

16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Shloofie"

17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

18. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo"or "Mahjong."

19. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

20. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.

21. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.

22. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.

23. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "If I Were a Rich Man."

I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine.

I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one.

So I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one. I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat.

Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman. I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart
with her, figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone. She said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away.

HUH, must not have had any in stock.

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked if they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive. I thought about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed. He started laughing at me said something about me trying to kill him. "You're killing me!" Something like that and walked away.

Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard to keep in stock I wasn't trying to kill him I wasn't even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something about that explaining it. "She's fallen off the wagon, that explains it," like that and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like,"boob" under his breath and walked away. Wonder why he only noticed one? Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores maybe have to order from a catalog or something.

So that's where I am now.

Remember when...

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note...
A window was something
you hated to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a goat....

Meg was the name of my girlfriend...
And gig was a job for the nights...
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes!

An application was for employment...
A program was a TV show...
A cursor used profanity...
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something
that you lost with age...
A cd was a bank account...
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy,
you hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something
you did to the garbage,
not something you did to a file...
And if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while...

Log on was adding wood to the fire...
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived...
And a backup happened
to your commode...

Cut you did with a pocket knife...
Paste you did with glue...
A web was a spider's home...
And a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head...
I hear nobody's been killed
in a computer crash,
but when it happens
they'll wish they were dead

"Chat Rooms"

*******

I'd always been apprehensive about joining a chat room for fear I'd do something wrong. One day after my son, Jeff, had gotten off the computer, I logged on to the Internet to play a game.

Suddenly a screen popped up saying, "Your friend is online."

Apparently Jeff had forgotten to sign off, and I took the opportunity to "chat" with someone I probably knew. Jeff's friend assumed he was still chatting with Jeff, and I was having fun with the situation.

After a few minutes, however, Jeff's friend typed: "Who is this?"

"Why do you ask that?" I responded.

The reply came across the screen: "Because Jeff doesn't spell
that good."

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