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Author Topic: Computers Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-11-2003 10:00 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues If Bill Gates Owned the Army..... The service is renamed 'US Army 2003' Your track has a 1-800 tech support number Your gun sights have a WinXP startup screen Tanks play a little tune when you start them up. Every vehicle has 'Intel Inside' stenciled on the side. Units are known as "Company, Tank, Release 6.1A" The medic carries Dr. Solomon Anti-Virus in his first-aid kit. Every platoon's TO & E includes "Novell Certified Engineer (1)" Military funerals feature the "21 beep salute" and over-flights in the "missing file formation" Every day of basic training is ended with the recruits shouting "Good Night, Bill Gates, wherever you are!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 07:24 AM                        Rated G Lorraine In Japan,they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful computer error messages with Haiku poetry messages.They're used to communicate a timeless message,often achieving a wistful,yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.Here are 13 actual error messages from Japan: 1. The Web site you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist. 2. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. 3. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on.You ask far too much. 4. Windows crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death.No one hears your screams. 5. Yesterday it worked.Today it is not working.Windows is like that. 6. Your file was so big.It might be very useful.But now it is gone. 7. Stay the patient course.Of little worth is your ire.The network is down. 8. A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. 9. Three things are certain: Death,taxes and lost data.Guess which has occurred. 10. You step in the stream,But the water has moved on.This page is not here. 11. Out of memory.We wish to hold the whole sky,But we never will. 12. Having been erased,The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. 13. Serious error.All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen.Mind.Both are blank.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-29-2003 07:15 PM                        Rated G Computer user on the phone to Technical Support: "My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!" Technical Support: "Did you back up?" Computer user sincerely alarmed: "Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-05-2003 11:03 AM                        Rated G "Biblical Spokespersons" What if Biblical characters could be recruited as high-tech promoters? Consider the following tech advocates and their ad slogans: Noah for Match.com: We can find a mate for anything. Why not you? Moses for the Excedrin Headache Resource Center (Excedrin.com): Take two tablets and call me in the morning. The dove for UPS.com: Guaranteed delivery in 40 days and 40 nights. Adam and Eve for Dell: No Apples for us.We've learned the hard way. Solomon for Microsoft: Don't cut the baby in half. Joseph for Nikon Coolpix: Only Nikon can capture the 36-bit color of my megapixel dreamcoat. Methuselah for AARP.org: Life begins at 960. Pharaoh for Symantec: If only we'd had Norton AntiPlague 2002 in 2002 ... B.C.E. Job for NASDAQ: 'Nuff said. --Author unknown.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-09-2003 03:24 PM                        Rated G Badtimes If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.Do not open it. this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone AutoDial to call only your mother-in-law's number. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs of infection.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 02:56 AM                        Rated G Lorraine COMPUTER TERMS: BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit." BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill. BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes.Also:What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list. CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals. COPY - What your children may be doing on tests because they spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying. CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You %@& computer!" DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip. DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer. ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom "just to look." EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals. FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes. FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS"). HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer. IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again. MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant. PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up. RETURN - What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider. TAB - What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software. TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers. WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 07:22 AM                        Rated G : Michele Recently got an email from Microsoft Insider Update. One of the items in there was a link to a web page with the following suggestions: Getting hitched? Get organized with Office XP Preparing for a wedding can be a stressful time. But with a little help from the Crabby Office Lady and Microsoft Office XP, you can get a handle on your ever-growing to-do lists, plan a realistic budget, and even create an online photo album and scrapbook. I have a friend who is getting married soon, so I clicked on the link to see if it was something she could use. I read all the way down, and it was the usual mailing lists, gift registry, etc.Then at the very end, I saw: More information - Various wedding templates - Petition for simplified divorce Hmmm... Microsoft thinks of everything, don't they?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 10:37 AM                        Rated G Michele One of our servers crashed.I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed totype a path name to a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused,asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" He said, "Yeah, that's it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 10:34 AM                        Rated G You know,You've Been Online too Long when 1.Technical Support calls "YOU" for help. 2.Someone at work tells you a joke & you say LOL outloud. 3.You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out". 4.You've to get a 2nd phoneline so you can call Pizza Hut. 5.You don't know where the time has gone.(ain't that the truth) 6.Your husband now complains of you moving your fingersin your sleep instead of talking. 7.Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night. 8.You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your husband is asleep. 9.You find yourself lying to others about your time online. 10.You'd rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying to much than the truth - online all night. 11.Your dog leaves you. Your husband threatens to... 12.You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face. 13.You have a map on the wall with lots of red pins to mark where people are you have met. 14.You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.(and Chocolate) 15.You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.(doesn't everyone?) 16.You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you've your first cup of coffee.well what else do you do (while you wait on the coffee?) 17. our relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had. 18.You get up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead. 19.You stop typing whole words and use things like brb, dunno and 20.You type faster than you think. 21.You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted. 22.You dream in "text".( with graphics) 23.You double click your TV remote. 24.You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail. (email is more fun than real mail) 25.You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" (who has time to cook?)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 10:36 AM                        Rated G The student was called into the high school counselor because all he was interested in was computers. "I even dream about computers," he told the man. "Don't you ever dream about girls?" the student was asked. "Or cars? Or sports?" "I don't dare." replied the boy. "I might lose my turn at the terminal in the computer lab."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2003 11:48 AM                        Rated G Michele Computer Bumper Stickers Don't make me use uppercase. A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from? Email is packaged by intellectual weight, not volume. Some settling of contents may have occurred during transmission. Murphy's best friend was a computer. The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL? The Web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 07:00 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Have you ever telephoned a company's technical support number to get a problem solved? Well I did recently, but it didn't go very well... Ring.... Ring.... Ring.... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring.... Ring.... Ring.... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring.... Ring.... Ring.... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Automated Answer (finally): "Thank you for calling Technical Support." "All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician." Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Ring... (All right! They must be transferring me...) Ring… "The waiting time is now estimated at between 15 minutes and eternity.In order to expedite your call,please punch your 63- digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad,followed by your product serial number,which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes,it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do it now!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-20-2003 03:13 PM                        Rated G Michele Driving on the interstate,I saw a vehicle with the license: ALT F7. I checked my 'puter at home,and,as I suspected,it was a Word Perfect command.The truck had to belong to a plumber.Who else would choose the command: Flush Right?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 07:32 AM                        Rated G Michele One of my employees was trying to type an outline on his computer.As I looked over what he was doing,I suggested that he use Roman numerals in the outline.He agreed,but then shortly thereafter,I hear him cursing and seeming quite frustrated. I went to his work area and asked what was wrong. He replied, "I can't find the damn Roman numerals on the keyboard!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-25-2003 09:02 AM                        Rated G Lorraine One night, a few co-workers at a computer data center stayed late and all started to get hungry.They decided to order in food by phone,but the boss thought that,since they work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After the workers contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service,a message appeared on the screeen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."  |  IP: Logged

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