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Author
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Topic: Computers
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-19-2002 08:52 AM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
COMPUTOR CHRISTMAS
T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
The power was on and the temperature right,
In hopes that the input would feed back that night.
The system was ready, the program was coded,
And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
Forgetting his key in his curious dash.
He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.
Then, in the computer room what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;
And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
Chuckled: "My name is Santa...the last name is Claus."
The computer was startled, confused by the name,
Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:
"This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."
With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.
It searched in its memory core, trying to "think";
Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.
Unable to do its electronic job,
It said in a voice that was almost a sob:
"Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry,
Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,
Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know, And
at data
- recall, I am more than so - so; But your name and your address
(computers can't lie), Are things that I just cannot identify.
You've a jolly old face and a little round belly,
That shakes when you laugh like a bowlful of jelly;
My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
Since you're not in my program, you cannot exist!"
Old Santa just chuckled a merry "ho, ho",
And sat down to type out a quick word or so.
The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
As Santa fed this "data" to the machine:
"Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer;
But you won't get anything - that's plain to see;
Too bad your programmers forgot about me."
Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,
" Merry Christmas to All " as he pulled out the plug
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-23-2002 04:37 PM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
On the twelfth day of AOL they gave to me,
12 reasons to cancel,
11 channels not working,
10 hours without mail,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnection's,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-26-2002 08:43 AM
Rated G
Grandma Got Addicted
Grandma got addicted to the computer,
When she opened her present, early Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Microsoft,
but as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
When they found her Christmas mornin',
At the scene of the crime.
There were keyboard prints on her forehead,
And she was still online.
She'd been sending out some emails,
To people she didn't know.
She left her medication on the desk
And said her connection was too slow.
She looked wide eyed as she kept
Typing with her hands.
We knew we had lost her
To a world, with far off lands.
Now were all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
Playin' cards with cousin Belle.
It's not Christmas without Grandma.
She's always in the back.
If we want to talk to grandma, we
Have to join her online in chat.
Now the goose isn't on the table
And no Christmas goodies in the house.
The only cookies she has made are
The ones with her mouse.
Grandma has been busy, scanning
Pictures for her page.
And we just can't help but wonder,
Should we open up her gifts or let them age.
I've warned all my friends and neighbors.
Watch out before you buy.
You could lose your grandma to the computer,
Just like grandpa and I.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-28-2002 08:43 PM
Rated G
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium III, with 128 Megs of RAM, a 12.1 Gig hard drive, and a 48X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to
train me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbott: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button,the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now.
Abbott: Good-bye.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-05-2003 05:38 AM
Rated X
The name Microsoft
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party.
They are talking and Bill says, "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!" Hugh replies, "Well Bill, you know ... Ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed. She's charging a small fortune." Bill said with a chuckle, "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?"
So, Hugh gives Bill her number and bill sets up a date.
They meet and after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling, "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."
To which she replies, "Thank you Bill...And now I know how you chose the name... Microsoft."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-14-2003 09:21 AM
Rated G
Ten things Bill Gates would like to change about the automotive industry
10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker--a first.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.
3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.
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