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Author Topic: Computers Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 12:26 PM                        Rated G ................Anonymous Author Ten ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow Text on Web pages display as Morse Code and...Graphics arrive via FedEx. You believe a heavier string might improve your throughput You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup and it displays a week later. Your credit card expires while ordering on-line. Playboy web site exhibits "Playmate of the year"...for 1989. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "Ping Pong". Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump. You receive e-mails with stamps on them. You click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out. [ 04-09-2003, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 12:31 PM                        Rated G Useless fact - Why are gasoline prices listed to three decimal places, such as $1.479 per gallon? Many years ago gasoline taxes were less than a cent per gallon.The oil companies simply added the required tax to the current price per gallon.For example, if the tax was nine tenths of a cent,or $0.009 and the price of gasoline was $0.25 per gallon, then the two added together became $0.259.Over a period of time this practice became a custom. The price of gasoline is determined by the price of crude oil, refining costs,transportation and storage costs,and taxes.Taxes are often 40 percent of the cost per gallon.Because many people feel that "gasoline is gasoline,"they wonder why some gasoline stations have lower prices than others.Actually, gasoline sold by different stations is different.Although each manufacturer must adhere to strict government regulations, many manufacturers add antioxidants, metal deactivators, corrosion inhibitors,and other elements to the gasoline.Each manufacturer has its own "package of additives." Higher-priced gasolines have many additives,cheaper gasolines have few if any. ~source used: "Do Fish Drink Water" by Bill McLain~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 07:48 AM                        Rated G Error Messages: Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. Close your eyes and press escape three times. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) User Error: Replace user. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?" Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 08:17 AM                        Rated PG ....The 12 Steps of Windows Anonymous 1.. We admitted that we were powerless Microsoft Windows and that our computers had become unmanageable. 2.. Came to believe that an operating system greater than Microsoft Windows could restore us to greater productivity. 3.. Made a decision to turn our hardware and data over to the care of better software as we understood it. 4.. Made a fearless and searching inventory of our wrecked data. 5.. Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being, the exact nature of Microsoft Windows. 6.. Were entirely ready to have Linux remove all of these defects from our computers. 7.. Made a list of hardware supported under Linux. 8.. Made a backup of all files that Microsoft Windows had harmed. 9.. Corrected data to such files where possible, except where such corrections would harm other files. 10.. Humbly installed Linux onto our hard drives. 11.. Searched through man pages, HOWTOs , the internet and Slashdot, to improve our understanding and use of Linux. 12.. Having had a productive awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to windowholics and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 09:21 AM                        Rated G ...............Becky New Virus Warning: Just got this in from a reliable source.It seems that there is a virus out there called the Senile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of,so be warned. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958! Symptoms of Senile Virus: 1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice. 2. Causes you to send blank e-mail. 3. Causes you to send to wrong person. 4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you. 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 03:34 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues (Sung to the tune of "Somewhere over the Rainbow") Somewhere over the keyboard Fingers fly There's a chat room I typed in Once in a lullaby Somewhere over the keyboard Lovers woo And the people they claim to be Are more wish than true Some day I'll pick a cool ID And be just who I want to be... Online Me I'll type a sideways smiley face And LOL in upper-case And you can't find me Somewhere over the keyboard People chat Finding their true love online How then do I do that? Someday we'll do a face-to-face And meet up at some coffee place... exciting I won't be quite like you had thought You'll wonder how you ever bought Into my lying Somewhere over the keyboard I'll be free 'Cos my online persona's Better than the real me If happy chatters tell white lies Over the keyboard Why, oh why can't I? by Greg Bulmash  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 03:46 PM                        Rated G Lorraine At a computer software course,the participants were given an awkward question to answer:"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had beenresponsible for the flight control software,how many of you would disembark immediately? Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless.The instructor asked the lone brave man why he would be so content to stay on board. "With my team's software,"he reasoned,"the plane would be unlikely to successfully taxi to the runway,let alone take off."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 04:10 PM                        Rated G WHAT THE KIDS TYPE & MEAN IN INSTANT MESSAGING Do you know what your kids or grandkids are saying when they use instant messaging? Of course not! You're over 30! They have a code that's intended to leave you in the dark. For instance, if your child types a message that consists solely of a number, such as 5, that means a parent (you) is in the room. When they double that number up, such as 55, that means the coast is clear. Here are some other codes the kids use when IM'ing: POS -- Parent is over my shoulder so watch what you say POP - Parent is on prowl and could walk in any moment SOS -- Sibling over shoulder who will tell on me ASL -- What's your age, sex and location? TTYL -- Talk to you later BRB -- Be right back HHOK -- Ha hah, only kidding MOATM -- Music on at the moment LQ -- Laughing quietly because someone is in the room G2G -- Gotta go! CTN -- Can't talk now There are many more codes. So my advice is simple. Make sure you watch your kids online. It's a dangerous place.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2003 12:57 PM                        Rated G Caller......Hello, Tech support? Can you please give me the number for Jack? Operator....I'm sorry sir. I don't understand who you are talking about..... Caller.......On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2003 07:09 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee A Colleague was having a hard time operating her desk-top computer. It was apparent that she had reached the end of her patience when she muttered at the screen,"I know one thing.If I had a glass face like you do,I'd sure behave better."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2003 07:00 AM                        Rated G As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships,I am mindful of how important the off-ship e- mail capabilities are to sailor morale,especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary,I noticed another crucial aspect of my job.I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched,she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 08:00 AM                        Rated G I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.I was against it and an argument started.I said there were too few people supporting the Mac. He responded,"When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?" And I said "See,even people who write viruses don't support Macs."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 11:53 AM                        Rated G This is a list I got off usenet where someone wondered what kind of messages a wordprocessor would give when exiting without saving the file if the programmer was of one of various Christian denominations: Non-sectarian:Do you wish to Save your work? Roman-Catholic:Registry indicates user is female;only males are allowed to Save. Anglican:Your work may or may not be Saved Lutherian:If you don't follow the instruction manual,don't expect your work to be Saved. Mennonite:Document contains the word "dancing";it cannot be Saved J.Witness:You are user 144,001;your work cannot be Saved Mormon:Could we interest you in Saving your work? Millenarian:It is almost to late to Save your work S. Baptist:If your work was not Saved,it is because you are evil. TV Preacher:This program has made mistakes in the past,but it will try to Save *this* file. Born-again:Before Saving your work,this proram will erase all existing data.Proceed? Faith healers: If you believe your work will be Saved,it will be Saved.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-23-2003 03:13 PM                        Rated G Urgent Message - Ed in Beantown There is a new virus: its code name is "work".If you receive "work" from your colleagues,your boss, via e-mail or any one else,do not touch "work" under any circumstances!!This virus wipes out your private life completely.If you should come into contact with this virus,put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.Order three beers and after repeating 14 times,you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain. Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends.Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends,this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your entire life.This virus is deadly.Please pay close attention to it and take heed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2003 02:31 PM                        Rated G Swamp frog goes ribb-it....ribb-it....ribb-it;and a Busch frog goes bud....wis....er;What does a Windows 98 frog sound like? Re-boot... re- boot... re-boot.  |  IP: Logged

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