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Author Topic: Blonds Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-05-2008 06:48 AM                        Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont. IRISH BLONDE An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed....'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are stupid.. Not all blondes are dumb, But all men are men.  |  IP: Logged Monte L Fullmer Film God Posts: 8367 From: Nampa, Idaho, USA Registered: Nov 2004 posted 08-06-2008 01:20 AM                     A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a policewoman, who was also blonde. The blonde officer asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. "It's square and it has your picture on it," replied the policewoman. The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop." [ 08-06-2008, 03:09 AM: Message edited by: Monte L Fullmer ]  |  IP: Logged Monte L Fullmer Film God Posts: 8367 From: Nampa, Idaho, USA Registered: Nov 2004 posted 08-07-2008 05:09 AM                     The Blonde Bride's Kitchen Diary Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors loaned me the extra bowls. Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home to dinner and they found me naked! Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice so I took a bath. Can't say it helped the rice. Thursday: Tried a new salad recipe. It said "prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Tom asked why I was rolling around the garden. Friday: Found easy recipe for cookies that said "put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Something went wrong. When I got home, everything was just as I left it. Saturday: Tom went shopping today, brought home a chicken, and asked me to dress it for Sunday. I didn't have any clothes that fit it. For some reason, Tom keeps counting to ten. Sunday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly, I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. How disappointing. When it came out, it was still hamburger! Goodnight, dear diary. Tomorrow I'm gonna buy a bigger oven so I can fix Tom a chocolate moose!.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-07-2008 07:09 AM                        Rated G A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your not asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2 .5 gallons?' The blonde said, 'No. I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with the milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.' The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-11-2008 05:40 PM                        Rated G... Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away; and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from New London , CT with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side; and finding the water only knee deep said, 'Nope, not yet, Bubbles.' So they rowed a little farther.... Again Bubbles asked Barbie, 'do you think were out far enough now?' Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.' So on they rowed and rowed and rowed; and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie broke the surface. Gasping for breath she said, 'OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.'  |  IP: Logged Monte L Fullmer Film God Posts: 8367 From: Nampa, Idaho, USA Registered: Nov 2004 posted 08-12-2008 08:11 PM                     REPLACEMENT WINDOWS Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.  |  IP: Logged Monte L Fullmer Film God Posts: 8367 From: Nampa, Idaho, USA Registered: Nov 2004 posted 08-25-2008 05:24 AM                     A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde."They're watch dogs!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-10-2008 08:38 PM                        Rated R.... A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location. She responds "It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2009 08:35 PM                        Rated G Jokester Blond Detectives A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "For God's sake, what’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?!?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "Now think hard before giving me a stupid answer. This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses..." The policeman is surprised and speechless... "Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation??" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2009 08:42 PM                        Rated G Jokester Lost In the Snow A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-27-2009 09:53 PM                        [b]Rated G Jokester A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 05-19-2009 01:07 PM                        Rated G... A 30-year-old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time. With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say “Hello.”  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 07-27-2010 06:21 PM                 It has been 434 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 07-27-2010 06:21 PM                        Rated PG... A blond wife came running up to her husband in the driveway the other day just jumping for joy! he didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought what the heck, and starting jumping up and down along with her when she said " Honey, I have some really great news for you!" He said "Great, tell me what your so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavy, from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant. He was so ecstatic, they had been trying for a while so he grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and telling her that was great! he couldn't be more happier. Then she said "Oh, honey, but wait, there's more!" He asked "What do you mean more?", she said, "Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, so he asked her how she knew. She said well that was the easy part, I went to Wal-Mart and bought the 2-pack home pregnancy test kits and both tests came out positive!  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-08-2011 02:14 PM                        Rated G... A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"  |  IP: Logged

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