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Author Topic: Blonds Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2006 09:30 PM                        Rated PG Old guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his young blonde wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, 7 inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded. "What happened here?" he asks. "I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife. Just then a naked guy floats by. "Who's that?" demands the husband. "I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 10:13 AM                        Rated G A blond Gal sees a truck loaded with rolled-up sod going by. She says, "I hope I get rich enough some day so that I can have my lawn sent out to be mowed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2006 02:56 PM                        Rated G Diana This blond guy and his wife won a trip around the world for two, but he turned it down because he wanted to go somewhere else.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2006 11:39 AM                        Rated G Bruce Two blondes were skiing at Aspen, when they got into a debate about the best way to ski down a particular hill. "The best way is down the left side of the course, where it's nearly all powder," said the first blonde. "No, the best way is straight down the middle, where the snow is packed tight," argued the other. "Look," said the first blonde. "Let's get another opinion. There's a guy dragging a sled up the hill. Let's go ask him." The second blonde agreed, and in a few minutes the two caught up with the guy. "Excuse me," said the first blonde. "I say the best way to ski down this hill is to take the left side of the course, where it's nearly all powder, and my friend thinks the best way is straight down the middle, where the snow is packed tight. Can you tell us who's right?" "Sorry, ladies," said the man, "but there's no use in asking me. I'm a tobogganist." "Oh," said the second blonde. "Well, in that case, can I get a pack of Marlboros?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 04:52 PM                        Rated G I know a blond who was so dumb that she took a ruler to bed to see how long she would sleep. What do you call a smart blond? A golden retriever..  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 01:50 PM                        Rated G Hear about the blond explorer? She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert. What's a blond between two brunettes? A mental block.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 07:29 PM                        Rated G A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him. The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No she replies.... Wait for it.... Wait for that punchline..... It's coming............. The suspense is killing you ........ . . . . . . . . . . . . "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye.".  |  IP: Logged Badr Addarkaoui Film Handler Posts: 1 From: Sint-Niklaas, Oost-Vlaanderen, Belgium Registered: Jun 2006 posted 06-26-2006 08:18 PM                     A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one. "Meow," says the redhead. "It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack. "Woof," says the brunette. "Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack. "Potatoes," says the blonde.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-28-2006 09:51 AM                        Rated G Blond Detective Training A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy,we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says,"Well.uh.that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response,he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,"This is your suspect,how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles,flips her hair and says,"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds,"What's the matter with you two?Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks,"This is your suspect,how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well,that's an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face."Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses.Good work!How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied."He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear. [ 02-20-2007, 06:05 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2006 11:05 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 Baptists"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2007 12:47 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. "Well , what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer... "Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2007 07:25 PM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally,after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls"! Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as bad as tennis elbow?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2007 02:30 PM                        Rated G WeWi Dunkin' Donuts Coffee Contest A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" Sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?" But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a Motorhome!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize. The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" She hands the ticket to the manager and He reads... "W I N A B A G E L"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2007 10:20 AM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit A blonde walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn". "I think you mean the 'intern', don't you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a contamination." "You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her. "Well I want to go to the fraternity ward, anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity... what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2007 04:32 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. THE BLONDE AND THE LORD A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subjectand, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of thenice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped, looked skyward, and asked, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?" The voice replied,"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"  |  IP: Logged

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