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Author Topic: Blonds Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2005 03:28 PM                        Rated G Someone gave a blond an ipod for her birthday...and she asked, "Where can I get another one for the other eye? Why should a blond never be open minded? Their brains could fall out.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-11-2005 07:27 PM                        Rated G How did the dumb blond break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree. What does a blond and an empty beer bottle have in common? They are both empty from the neck up. Why aren't blonds good cattle hearders? Because they can't even keep two calves together. Why do blonds wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 11:45 AM                        Rated R 10 Know the quickest way to get in a blondes pants? Pick them up off the floor. 9 Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? The vegetable garden. 8 How many blondes does it take to play tag? One. 7 How to tell a blonde has been using the computer: The joystick is wet. 6 How’s a blonde and an instant lottery ticket the same? All you have to do is scratch the box to win. 5 Difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll: About 2 cans of hair spray 4 Why’s a blonde’s brain the size of a pea each morning? It swells at night. 3 What’s five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade. 2 Why are blonde’s coffins Y-shaped? As soon as they are on their backs, their legs open. 1 Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room? They have to pull their own pants down.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 01:50 PM                        Rated G Unhappy with her doctor's diagnosis, Debbie went for a second opinion... Shocked at how bad her eyes were, the optometrist asked, "Tell me, have your eyes ever been checked?" After a few moments, the confused blonde shook her head and said, "No, Doctor ... they've always been brown."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2005 02:01 PM                        Rated R Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? Because there are blonde men........ What do you do when a Blonde throws a grenade at you... Pull the pin and throw it back. How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle.... Shine a flashlight in her ear. What's the advantage to being married to a blonde... You can park in the handicapped zone. How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday..... Tell her a joke on Friday. Why did the blonde get off the pill.... It kept falling out. What did the blonde yell in an emergency...... "What's the number to 911?" What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? The winner of a Hide and Seek game. What did the blonde say when she opened the box of cheerios? Oh look, doughnut seeds. Why was the blonde delighted when she finished the puzzle in 11 months? Because the box said 2 to 4 years  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2005 09:46 AM                        Rated G George When the blonde found out she was pregnant, she asked the Doctor, is it mine?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2005 02:27 PM                        Rated G Unhappy with her doctor's diagnosis, Debbie went for a second opinion... Shocked at how bad her eyes were, the optometrist asked, "Tell me, have your eyes ever been checked?" After a few moments, the confused blonde shook her head and said, "No, Doctor ... they've always been brown."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-19-2005 09:24 AM                        Rated G Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry." At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters, "Will it take ME?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 08:55 PM                        Rated G Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? From crawling across the street when the sign said "Don't Walk". Why don't blondes eat bananas? They can't find the zipper.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2005 04:54 PM                        Rated G A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free." The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try." The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Ah man – this one’s barefoot too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-07-2005 12:27 PM                        Rated G Two brunettes and a blonde walk into a bar. Stepping up to the bar the first brunette asks for a "W.W." The bartender not knowing what she wanted politely asked if she could explain just what a "W.W." is. The brunette replied that it was a white wine. The second brunette walks up to the bar and asks for a "V.S." The bartender, a little perplexed now, looks at her and asks, "Is this is stump the bartender night or what." The brunette giving a teasing smile tells the bartender that a "V.S." is a vodka sour. The bartender gave her the drink and she walked away. The blonde steps up to the bar and giggling she asks for a "15." The bartender, a little fed up with these ladies, rather rudely asks, "what in the HELL a "15" is?!?" The blond promptly replies, "like, duh, you know... a 7-7!"  |  IP: Logged Monte L Fullmer Film God Posts: 8367 From: Nampa, Idaho, USA Registered: Nov 2004 posted 11-11-2005 03:22 AM                     A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2005 10:48 AM                        Rated G A blonde studying to be a counselor always went into her counseling sessions with an ear muff over one ear. After a while the supervisor became very curious and asked her about it. She replied, "It's for confidentiality." "Confidentiality?" asked the bewildered supervisor. "Yes, confidentiality," the blonde explained, "I've been told what goes in one ear comes out the other, and I don't want anyone else knowing what my client says."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 08:57 AM                        Rated G The Blonde Year In Review January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows. March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years." April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into the little packet. June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms. August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down. September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C " October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel. November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120. December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2005 12:57 PM                        Rated G B.B. A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special - $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?" The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year...."  |  IP: Logged

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