my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Old Men (Page 20)

This topic comprises 21 pages: 1  2  3  ...  17  18  19  20  21

Author Topic: Old Men Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 08:05 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 01:26 PM                        Rated G Doug: Do you wear the pants in your house? Bill: I sure do! But you may not see them if I'm wearing too long an apron.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 01:28 PM                        Rated G Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island Rail Road. He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs into a problem rider. One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched. "Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling. "Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler sarcastically. "Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him. "What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger. Returning the punched card,Bob replied calmly,"Ask the ticket."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2006 12:07 PM                        Rated G IF MY BODY WERE A CAR... If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It take me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze,cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2006 10:17 AM                        Rated PG Mr. Hollywood PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run - anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list ...And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2006 12:36 PM                        Rated X The Joker Oral Sex Survey 5,000 men were asked to completea survey on what they liked best about "Oral Sex:" 3% - Likes the warmth. 4% - Enjoyed the sensation. 93% - Appreciated the silence.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2006 10:18 AM                        Rated G Bruce The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named....MR. POTATO HEAD. He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2007 12:42 PM                        Rated PG First Guy (Proudly): "My wife is an Angel!" Second Guy: "Your're lucky, mine's still alive."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2007 09:57 AM                        Rated G Marty A man celebrating his one hundredth birthday was asked to what he attributed his long life. The man thoughtfully replied, " Well, I suppose it must be because I was born such a long time ago."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2007 08:50 AM                        Rated G A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911. The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive.” “How do you spell that?” the operator asked. “S-i-c-k…” the man began. “No, s-i-c-a…..” no, s-i-k-a…. oh heck, let me drag him over to Lake street and I’ll call you back.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2008 07:31 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who c an't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to Build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head an d a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2008 11:30 AM                        Rated G Each Friday night I drove my wife to the station for the train to Weimar, CA, so she could visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train from Sacramento to manage our household over the weekend. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived. One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over. "Mister," he said, "you are sure some man! But one of these days you are goin' to get caught!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2008 11:33 AM                        Rated G Lorraine An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a golfer &that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died? The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead? The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning and that's why he's still alive...he's a golfer." The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grand- father's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 118 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." The doctor said in amazement, "Got married! Why would a 118-year- old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2008 02:58 PM                        Rated G MEN IS THE PROBLEM believe it or not. Woman has Man in it; Mrs. has Mr . in it; Female has Male in it; She has He in it; Madam has Adam in it; No wonder men always want to be inside women! Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman.... Why? BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: MEN tal illness MENstrual cramps MEN tal breakdown MEN opause GUY necologist AND .. When we have REAL trouble, it's a HIS terectomy. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN? Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day. Send this to all the men just to annoy them ......  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-27-2008 08:20 AM                        Rated G the little woman When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten- year married man looks happy, we wonder why.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 21 pages: 1  2  3  ...  17  18  19  20  21

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.