An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other.

The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man LOVED peanuts!

One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts.

When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.

There was this old Italian guy who had three sons.

The old guy goes to his first son and asks, "Son, Whata do you like to eat da most of?"

He replies, "O Papa, I lova da spaghetti. But I always seem to get it in my lap."

The father replies, "Oh no son, you taka too biga bite."

So he goes to his second son, "Son, whata do you like to eat the most of." And the son replies, "Oh papa, I lova da raviolli. But I always seem to get it in my lap."

The father again replies, "Oh no son, you taka too biga bite."

Finally he goes to his third son and asks, "Son, whata do you like to eat the most of." He replies, "Oh papa, I lova da pussy." The father replies, "Oh no son, it taste a like shit."

Three men were in the desert with only one bottle of water left.

They were all very thirsty ,so they deceided to have a dreaming contest.

Whoever had the best dream would get to drink the water , so they all went to
sleep right away.

When they woke up the first man said " I had a dream that I won the lottery!"

The second man said " I had a dream that I was immortal" .

An old man walks into a health clinic and tells doctor, "You have got to do something to lower my sex drive."

The doctor takes one look at the feeble old man and says, "Now, now, sir, I have got the feeling that your sex drive is all in your head."

This old man and old lady met, fell in love, and got married.

Ontheir honeymoon they went to a fancy hotel to do honeymoon stuff. After smooching in their room, The old gentleman said he was going to the bathroom, to get ready for sex.

When he came out, he saw the old girl standing on her head naked, against the wall.

"What the heck are you doing?" He said.

Essence of Being a Man

Q: What is the essence of being a man?

Three guys were sitting around the campfire discussing just about evarything. After having quite a bit to drink they started arguing about who is the toughest man among them.

The first guy said, "I was hit by a car going 40 mph and I stood up without a scratch."

The second guy said, "Once a snake attacked and wrapped itself around me. As it tried to swallow me whole I bit its head off."

20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.

7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.

9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.

12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.

13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.

15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.

16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.

17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

Most Men Lie

My research has has concluded that 99.9% of men are liars. The following list should help you understand what men really mean. That 1/10 of 1% is me. That's how you know this is the truth.

When He Says: “I have a place at the beach” (he's renting a tent for the weekend)

“I've had several leadership Positions” (in the Cub Scouts)

“My company is thinking of transferring me.” (to the unemployment line)

“I have a position in oil exploration.” (He checks dipsticks at the filling station.)

“My salary is into six figures.” (If you count cents)

“I enjoy the theater.” (Rated XXX)

“I'm in television.” (He fixes them.)

“I'm involved in banking.” (He's a guard.)

“My job keeps me running.” (He's a messenger.)

“I'm self-employed.” (He just got fired.)

“I'm consulting.” (He looking for a job.)

When meeting a Women he says: “Hello” (Let's have sex)

“I want to know all about you.” (In 2 minutes or less)

“How are you” (in the sack.)

“I feel something special for you.” (Lust.)

“Do you have the time” (to go to bed)

“I like to read” (Playboy, Penthouse, & The Joker)

Top 10 Dumb Men Jokes

When does a fellow give you the shirt off his back?
When he wants you to do his laundry.

What does "Macho" really mean?
"Men Avoiding Chores at Home and Outside"

Which highway sign is always wrong?
"Men at Work"

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Every man knows that if he puts off changing the bulb long enough, a woman will take care of it.

What's a man's definition of manners?
Saying "Excuse me" after burping.

Why is dog man's best friend?
It won't tell on him.

What do men consider "female" problems?
The dishwasher and vacuum being broke.

How do you know if a man's happy?
See if he has a beer in one hand and a remote control in the other.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35

Communication:

How do men exercise at the beach?

A man was having pain in his penis.

His doctor examined him and announced, "you clearly have Mongolian syphilis. We'll have to amputate."

The man was really upset and went to another doctor for a second opinion.

This doctor, too, after examination said, "Yes, you have Mongolian Syphilis. We'll have to amputate."

The man decided he would go to a real expert, a Mongolian doctor. After examination, this doctor too announced, "You have Mongoloian Syphilis."

The man said, "well, the American doctors said I would have to have it amputated."

Wives eyes

Two guys were discussing having sex with their wives.

Does you wife close her eyes when you have sex with her?