What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?

A traveller saw a very old man that was also seemingly very happy. The traveller asked the old man, "You're so old, what's your secret to staying so happy?"

The man replied, "Well, I smoke 6 packs a day as well as smoke a pipe. I stay up till 5am every night partying and drinking until I barf. And I'm on lots of drugs and medication."

"So how old ar you?"

At the Old Folks Home

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere, the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says. He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes, and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

Woman Bashing

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A. Phone her.

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.

Q. What is the definition of "making love?"
A. Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, let her cook in the dark.

Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual and B.S.E.?
A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet that on your dick.

Q. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q. Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q. Why do men fart more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

From the Yiddish language:

28 Types of people you meet in the "Men's Room".

1. EXCITABLE:
Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2. SOCIABLE:
Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3. NOSEY:
Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4. TIMID:
Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal as if he had
already, comes back later.

5. INDIFFERENT:
All urinals being used, pisses in the sink.

6. CLEVER:
No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the
floor.

7. WORRIED:
Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8. FRIVOLOUS:
Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or
bug.

9. ABSENT-MINDED:
Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10. CHILDISH:
Pisses directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the bubbles.

11. SNEAKY:
Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in
the next stall will get blamed.

12. PATIENT:
Stands very close for a long time, reads newspaper with free
hand.

13. DESPARATE:
Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14. TOUGH:
Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

15. EFFICIENT:
Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

16. FAT:
Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoes.

17. LITTLE:
Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18. DRUNK:
Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19. DISGRUNTLED:
Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20. CONCEITED:
Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

21. IMPATIENT:
Always in a hurry, pisses down back of guy using urinal in front
of him.

22. HUNTER:
Gets out of camper, unzips fly, steps of cliff, never pisses,
but does scare the shit out of himself.

23. WITHDRAWN:
Places feet in urinal, pisses down leg, thus eliminate noise.

24. CROSS-EYED:
Looks into urinal to the left, pisses into one in the center,
flushes one on the right.

25. CURIOUS:
Looks over at neighbor, pisses in neighbor's pocket.

26. COMPETITIVE:
Stands back, and challenges others to distance contest.

27. SHOW OFF:
Stands with back to urinal, and slings tool over shoulder.

Men and women are different in the morning.

The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.

And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the supermodel Stephanie Seymour:

"I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got ?

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
to see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes.

Manliness Assessment

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to
as:

a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:

a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agreeto
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out
about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
with is:

a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Evaluating the results:

If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make
sure you really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into therapy,you're
a little confused.

With all of the products advertised for feminine hygiene, I recently saw an ad for a male hygiene deodorant spray that is being brought to market.

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there is only one room with only one bed.

Since it's the only motel in town, the guys decide to share the bed.

They get to their room, squeeze in, and fall asleep.

The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says, "I had the craziest dream about getting the best handjob of my life."

The guy on the right side says, "That's incredible - I had the same dream!"

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "Wow, I had the weirdest dream!"

The other two guys nod their heads in anticipation.

What's the difference between worry and panic?

Worry is the 1st time you can't do it a 2nd time!

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!......

I tell you, I just crapped my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have crapped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."