An old guy was due to celebrate his 100th birthday and his family didn't know what to get him - he had everything.

So they decided to hire a strip-o-gram.

One the morning of his birthday the front door bell rings and when the birthday boy opens the door he is confronted by this gorgeous brunette wearing only black gloves and thigh-length boots. She says in a very high-class voice, "Happy Birthday, I'm here to give you super sex!"

The old man looked a bit confused for a second and then asked, "Well, I can't decide... what kind of soup is it?"

A Man's Perfect Breakfast
Rated G

He's sitting at the table.

His son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

His girlfriend is on the cover of Playboy .

OLD BOXER

A cop walking his usual beat sees an old man pulling a box on a leash, down a busy street. "Poor man," the cop thinks to himself. "I'd better go humor him."

"That' a nice dog you got there," says the cop to the old man.

"It isn't a dog, it's a box," replies the old man.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the policeman, "I thought you were simple-minded."

After careful consideration and endless debate,

The Perfect Man has finally been named:

MR. POTATO HEAD

He's tan.

He's cute.

He knows the importance of accessorizing.

And if he looks at another girl,

Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in bed...

A man was unemployed and bored, so he decided to sunbathe in the nude.

His penis got badly burned, due to the fact it had never before seen the sun.

His wife came home that night and they had sex. While his wife slept, he looked for relief from the sting.

He went to the refrigerator to find something cold to put on his body and only found milk. He poured some in a glass and dipped his penis into it.

Why is a Laundromat a bad place to pick up a woman?

Training Courses Now Available for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that
the Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down
and Ten" Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John Wayne on television

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

If Men Were in Charge of Weddings

1. There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner."

2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines.

3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

4. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

5. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

6. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

7. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) wouldget punched in the head.

8. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."

9. There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

10. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

11. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

12. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the
cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.

13. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

14. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

15. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.

16. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be Steak or Steak, Pizza or Bar B Que absolutely no Seafood.

17. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

18. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.

19. Invitations would read as follows: (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol' ball and chain... He's getting married. He either:

A) knocked her up,
B) couldn't get a different roommate,
or
C) caved in to her ultimatum.

Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his life at Mile High Stadium On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game.

How to Impress a Woman

1) Wine her.
2) Dine her.
3) Call her.
4) Hug her.
5) Hold her.
6) Surprise her.
7) Compliment her.
8) Smile at her.
9) Laugh with her.
10) Cry with her
11) Cuddle with her.
12) Shop with her.
13) Give her jewelry.
14) Buy her flowers.
15) Hold her hand.
16) Write love letters to her.
17) Write poetry for her.
18) Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named.

MR. POTATO HEAD

He's tan.

He's cute.

He knows the importance of accessorizing.

A man has 27 parts that don't work:

20 nails that don't nail

1 belly button that doesn't button

2 tits that don't milk

1 cock that doesn't crow

2 balls that don't bounce

1 ass that doesn't do any work

So what are you women smiling at?

"Gentle" Men Quiz

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-pla
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month.You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetiser is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

Q: Men are like bagpipes.....