A man has 27 parts that don't work:

Three guys are on top of the Empire State Building and they are bragging about how big their dicks are. They finally decide to compare them by dangling them off the roof.

The first guy pulls his dong out and hangs it over the side and it dangles down to the 20th floor.

The second guy pulls his hog out and lets it fly over the side of the roof and it goes down to the 10th floor.

There was very, very polite lady. She was polite to everyone she knew. She maried a man and got pregnant. She wanted her kids to be as polite as her so she took polite pills. She took them evey day of her pregnancy. She was told by the doctor she was having twins.

An old man went into a pharmacy and asked for two Viagra pills.

The pharmacist brought them out and the old man asked him to cut them in half.

The pharmacist winked at him and said, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?"

TOP 20 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED:

20) The cucumber has left the salad.

19) I can see the gun of Navarone.

18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17) You've got Windows on your laptop.

16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15) Your soldier isn't so unknown now.

14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

and The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped..

It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate.

Let's Do The Numbers

134,349,027 men in the United States x 3 whack-offs/week = 403,047,081 whack-offs/week

6 ten-minute-periods/hour x 24 hours/day x 7days/week = 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week

403,047,081 whack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week = 399,848 whack-offs/ten-minute-period

399,848 whack-offs/ten-minute-period x 98% (Kinsey Factor) = 391,851 whack-offs/ten-minute-period

Conclusion

At any given moment (on average), 391,851 men in the United States are whacking-off.

Those Golden Years

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour, crawled painfully on a stool, and ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?"

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

Mr. Jones was an old man with Alzheimer's who lived in a nursing home.

One day he came out of his room, tracked down the nearest nurse, and said, "My penis is dead!"

The nurse kindly replied, "I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Jones, but it happens all the time with men your age."

The very next day, Mr. Jones came out of his room with his penis sticking out of his pants and wandered up and down the hall.

The same nurse saw him and said, "Mr. Jones, I thought you told me that your penis was dead."

There were once two men, Tom and Tim, who were debating on who did the worst sin.

Tom says, "I had an affair with a hot brunette with light blue eyes while my hot blond hair with dark green eyed wife was at home."

This was obviously written by a woman who is afraid to post it.

Q--What should you do when you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A-- Shoot him again.

Q--Why do little boys whine?
A--They're practicing to be men.

Q--How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A--One--he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Or Alternate answer--Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q - What do you call a handcuffed man?
A - Trustworthy.

Q - What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A - You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q - Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A - Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Q - What's the best way to kill a man?
A - Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose just one.

Q - What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A - They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch.

Q - Why do men whistle while they're on the toilet?
A - Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q - What is the difference between men and women?
A - A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to
satisfy his one need.

Q - How does a man keep his youth?
A - By giving her money, diamonds, and furs.

20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room

1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.

7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.

9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.

12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.

13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.

15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.

16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.

17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

SEASONED CITIZENS (aka Senior Citizens)