Short Jokes

On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll?

Instead of staring at the bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.

Mixed Emotions -

Watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your brand new BMW.

"She's the kind of girl you'd like to bring home to mother -

Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks" "Shorts" "Cups" "Saucers" "Door" "Lock" "Sink"... You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #7:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule #8:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #9:
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #10:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #11:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Sign of Improvement

Two men are talking over the telephone...

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.”

“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend.

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35" was the reply.

"I'm actually 47 years old" the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is "Oh, you look about 29" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the helland let her slip her hand down his trousers.

Ten minutes later the old lady says "You are 47 years old."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

A couple of hunters in Texas are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. His hunting buddy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think my friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and listen to me. I can help. The first thing you have to do is to make sure he's dead."

Guy Rules   

1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may belegally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
c) When your date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail afriend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who'srunning late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes

7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach.... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at this point in their lives. 

The 80-year-old said, "I'd like nothing better than to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."

The 85-year-old said, "I'd like nothing better than to have a good bowel movement.  I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a  problem."

Two men, who were both a little over weight, were taking a piss beside each other.

One said to the other, "Man, I haven't seen my penis in years!"

The other, replied, "You could always diet."

A man with no arms or legs is on a beach, when three beautiful women come up to him.

The first one say's "Have you ever been hugged?"

He say's no and the woman hugs him.

The second say's "Have you ever been kissed?"

He say's no and the woman kisses him.

The third say's "Have you ever been f****d?"

Men v Women

Q: What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
A: When they remove half the brain.'

Q: Did you hear that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer?
A: Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10 pints of beer. Over 90% of them started babbling like idiots and ALL of them started driving terribly.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Q: Why do women have arms?
A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

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18 The woman always makes the Rules.

The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No man can possibly know all the Rules.

If the woman suspects the man knows the Rules, she must immediately change some or  all of the Rules

The woman is never wrong.

If the woman is wrong, it is a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the man did or said.

The man must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The woman may change her mind at any time.

The man must never change his mind without express written consent of the woman.

The woman has every right to be angry and upset at any time.

The man must remain calm at all times unless the woman wants him to be angry or upset

The woman must, under no circumstances, let the man know whether or
not she wants him to be angry or upset.

The man is expected to mind read at all times.

The man who doesn't abide by the Rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp.

Any attempt to document the Rules could result in bodily harm.

If the woman has PMT, all the Rules are null and void.

The woman is ready when she is ready.

Why did God make Adam first?

So he could get a word in edgeways!

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What should you do if your washing machine breaks down?

Why it's Great to be a Man

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.

Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

Short skirts

Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

All your orgasms are real.

You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

You can write your name in the snow.

Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me".

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

One mood, all the time

You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too mankey.

You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.